End of the Year!

And what a year it's been! God when I think back to how miserable I was I honestly don't know how I didn't hurt myself. It's been so much better being an adulterous floozy, I can't tell you. Very empowering. And so much more sex than I've had perhaps ever before. Really, it can't be bad can it?

Well, the whole issue with the H has died a death - seems he really is quite happy never to have sex again. Well, I'm not.

I had such a lovely message from my new guy - he didn't say happy new year, he said Happy Our Year - cos that's what it's going to be. Wow. Maybe it will be. It's all a bit overwhelming, but he's now thinking of extending his stay in this country - I said, well, might be difficult for me to see you - he said okay, but I'll be nearer to you. How wonderful, it's ridiculous. But I have to say I have several friends who have met people online and are very happy, despite the ridiculous, we were living on different continents thing. Why shouldn't that be me??

Also sent a severely rude picture to my Canadian friend to cheer him up for new year - golly. I do like him so much. And heard from the golfer too - let me know when you want to visit. Well, yes I do - although I may have to give up all these other men for the marine you know. Oh, he's gorgeous - I must have done something so good in a previous life - or maybe it's just a reward for all my misery? Who knows - why not just enjoy it? Happy new year to all xxxx

My new man x

My new man is back and chatting with me now Christmas is over. We're making a lot of plans of what we'd like to do and things - will be amazing if it all comes true won't it? You know what else, he's an ex-marine, hence the hot arms and nice bod xxxx Boy, have I done well there!

It's all getting very intense and we're talking about the future, tentatively. But mostly looking forward to March. Goodness. But why the hell not, lots of people have got together that way. I'm not honestly sure I care what people think anyhow.

You know I'm back in the marital bed too for the moment. He started touching me - shut me up sex on offer, oh great. I said no. He said, don't you want me to touch you ever again - I said maybe not. Sounds horrid doesn't it? But it felt strangely empowering being that honest at last. I mean, he feels the same doesn't he? Surely. Or he wouldn't have avoided it for so damned long. Maybe I haven't heard the end of this, we'll see. xxx

Tired and Emotional?

Well, the main Christmas thing is over. I feel very tired and more than a little emotional - I think I'm going to have to concentrate on keeping my own counsel today more than usual! Had a nice evening with my oldest friends last night, so that was good, but there's always the nostalgic shared past thing - and I was thinking how we might never do this again. But then again, do I really want to do that every year for the rest of my life?

It's all about resistance to change really isn't it? And how scary is change actually? I think if I'm brutally honest, that's probably what's kept me here for about the last decade - fear. Not really a good basis for a relationship is it? I really must find a way to embrace change - even though I do find it so hard. Other people manage it, why not me?

Otherwise, very little going on - everyone's busy with family stuff. Hopefully less so today, and I so miss my American xxxxx

Contemplating

I'm feeling very thoughtful today, which is not surprising I guess. When I look back at the last year, I really can't believe how far I've come. Wasn't I brave?? And wow, wasn't it worth it? When I think back to last christmas and how completely miserable I felt, it's very hard to believe that things have changed quite that much. They have. And amazingly, no one seems to have noticed. Isn't that odd?

Now, I have to wonder what next year will bring. Well, I'm not going back to being the down trodden doormat I used to be, trying to mend my marriage. That's never happening. What I hope will happen is that I will move on and find myself in a brilliant relationship by next christmas. What I think may well happen is that I might be with this american. Honestly. It's sudden and crazy, but it feels totally unstoppable. And he's talking crazy stuff too, it's not coming from me.

Now I'm wondering what to do about my other men. Maybe nothing for the time being. Let's see. I always thought I'd end up with the bm, but seeing as he can go without talking to me for weeks at a time, I wonder if that would be wise honestly. This new guy can't bear it for one day. There's a lot of logistics to work out, but you know, he will. I know it. I feel loved and needed and valued - and that hasn't been the case for such a long time has it? Is it too perfect? Maybe not - maybe miracles can happen. Have a lovely boxing day xxxx

Hunky!!

Well, I've taken a look at my American, and boy did I do well - he's a real hunk! Absolutely delicious - no idea why a woman would let that go to waste!! Still, her loss is my gain. He's going to be wonderful. He took a look at me too, and thinks I'm very sexy - how nice. How come my other half doesn't? I get treated like a nagging harridan here.

As you know, I've had enough, so christmas is quite tough for me. But it sure helps having some lovely men to look forward to doesn't it? Also, the bm is home I think, so should be seeing him very soon I think. But I'm getting very excited about the American - he's not shy about his feelings either, which is rather refreshing. He really is a breath of fresh air xxxx

Christmas and everything

Well, it's all starting, and I'm doing pretty well keeping up the facade of normality for the family. Because everyone's staying, we're sleeping together again, which was quite uncomfortable the first night, but seems ok now. He's not attempted anything though, which is not a great surprise is it, honestly? I'm really not sure how I'd react now though, just don't want him any more. That's what constant rejection will do to you though, isn't it?

March is looking good - and this guy is just wonderful. I really think this could be quite special - that throws up all kinds of problems seeing where he lives, but he's ready for that, and says let's just take it one step at a time, okay with me.

You know, I have been thinking about this a lot. Maybe this is better for me in a lot of ways. I like having lots of different men, despite it being something your normal man in the street would definitely not approve of. I just feel like taking a huge great bite out of life, and sod the consequences. Why limit yourself? And I surely feel I have enough love to give to lots of men, I really do. Is it wrong? If it is, why?

I guess really I should think about the future and things, but at the moment, I just feel in limbo. Let's see.

Oh, me and my guy are fine now - it was very very close I think. We decided to draw a line under it and move on. He's a bit sad he's not the American I'm meeting in March, but there we are. If he gets over, we're definitely spending time though. It's odd, this internet thing - we are such close friends, better even than a lot of my real friends - who obviously I never talk to about all this, too dangerous!! And I know he feels the same. It's a precious thing, and I don't intend to lose it.

My good friend x

We've been talking about it all for a couple of days, me and my friend. I think we're going to be okay, and that's only because we've both been really honest, and we value each other's friendship so much. But it was touch and go there for a little while. He's so important to me though, and I can't see that changing whatever happens you know.

Also planning to meet my American guy in March. We're actually getting very seriously involved - it's a little bit scary. He asked me yesterday if I thought you could fall in love over the internet - I said, honestly, well I know someone who did, and now they live together. You know, it strikes me as actually a better way to meet people in some ways - you get to know their character and stuff first, which I think is probably a good thing. This really could be something though.

But then, there's the bm - due back yesterday, so may well hear from him soon. Adorable man. Don't want to have to choose just yet though - I'm way too greedy. Maybe I'll have to one day xx

Strange?

I don't know what to think about this, so I thought I'd write it down. Well, I chat to this guy in the states, and honestly we get on pretty well. He's quite well off, won't leave his wife, nice family, an upstanding citizen and all that. A bit frustrated yes, so he sleeps with other women, and yes, the odd escort, which I guess I can understand.

Well, he told me he's planning a trip. This trip involves him and several friends going to Singapore and holing up in a suite with a bunch of chinese hookers. Well, since he told me, I've been feeling quite sick. And then I've been thinking, well, am I being cranky? Is it me?? I just find this the most horrible sleazy thing I could possibly think of, and honestly not what I'd expect of a nice guy like him at all. And that's before I go into just how vile I think the sex tourism market is.

But you know, I really liked this guy, and I feel just horribly let down. He really can't be who I thought he was can he? Or is this actually what all men would like to do if they had the opportunity? And if they can, does that mean they should? I'm honestly debating just cutting any contact with him at all, which surprises me a bit, cos I'm quite easy going and liberal. It's getting to me though, and I'm not all that sure why - perhaps because I did care about him quite a bit. Can we still be friends and get past this - should I tell him what I think?

Perhaps the worst thing is, he asked me if I'd like to join them - no!! I really can't think of anything I'd less rather do - would he expect me to screw his sleazy friends too, so he could watch? I guess he thinks I'd enjoy it. Maybe I should just block him. Any opinions would be good - I'm confused x

Wonderful Day!!

I have had such a great day! Well, according to the family, I went shopping. But (bet you've guessed) I was actually having vast and greedy amounts of sex with my golfer fella. What a wonderful day. We had the camera out, and it all got very extremely naughty! Will I be brave enough to look when he sends them? And we had a lot of fun too - chatting about everything, making lunch, having a shower. You know, I like him a lot, and he's so great - and I honestly can tell him anything. I talk to him about the oh and my other fellas too.

He said something interesting today. He said, maybe your oh has another woman, or several - I said, oh, he spends all his time in the pub. Well, he said, why do men not see that as cheating? It's the same thing - spending your time and energy with other people, when you have said you wanted to be with your significant other, supposedly the most important person in your life. I said, you know that's exactly it!! That's what's made me so angry all these years - I guess I could stand it when I got some attention (read sex) - but now I get nothing at all. No, it's not good enough is it. Nice to clarify my thoughts though.

And even more good news - a lovely long email from the bm in a far distant country. He'll be back next week. I wonder if I can see him before christmas - if not, soon after I think. I told my fella about him. He's fine with it - but it wouldn't be vice versa I feel - I said, maybe that's cos he couldn't handle it, or maybe because I like him so much - bit of both probably. Gosh, so many men - how things can change in a year, can't they? Remember last Christmas when I felt so fat and unsexy? Wow - seems like a different person - and perhaps I was in all honesty. A wise friend told me recently, that the people close to you are the last to notice that you have changed. How true. I actually told someone I was sleeping with three men the other day - like you do - she laughed and said, oh, you'd never do that!! Oh yes I would - ain't life grand xxxxx

Still so cold!!

Well, what will happen - third week of attempting to have sex - will the weather finally be kind to me? We think it might and we're planning accordingly. Photos, yes I think so, haha. Not forgetting lots of sex - hope he has the heating turned up.

Also, looking at possible hotels for March - it's really going to happen, me and the American. Wow. What a classy floozy I am, I'm casing out some nice places too. What I really want is a log fire, but it seems health and safety won't allow them in the bedrooms - but I want sex in front of a fire!!! Come on, it's not too much, is it?

Also looks like I'll be working right up till Christmas - perfect. All adds to the swelling escape fund doesn't it? I think he's bought me a Christmas present from some bloke in the pub - impressive eh? I used to feel sad, now I just feel angry. I deserve better - and boy, I'm getting it xxxx

Blah!!

Well, we now have ridiculously heavy rain - and I have a ridiculously heavy period - not that interesting I'm afraid, but again, both good reasons why I can't get to have any sex!!! Very annoying. Maybe next week will be kinder to me?

My American has sure blossomed - sounds like he's given this lady the ride of her life to be honest! Just a little jealous, but not too much. I feel very pleased that he's crossed the line actually - and it is a big deal really isn't it? He is absolutely coming to see me in march - we have dates and everything - how amazing is that? I do feel a little better cos he keeps telling me he wishes it was me. And so do I - I am getting a greedy girl aren't I??

About time I had a call from the bm - maybe this week? What an aggravating man he is. But you know, from his perspective, I think perhaps he doesn't want to pressure me too much. He knows the situation, he knows I've had it and am in the spare bedroom. And perhaps it's wise not to move too fast really isn't it? Who knows. But I miss him terribly xx

Snow!!!!

Snow and more snow!! Can't somebody do something?? I want to have some sex!! This is really getting beyond a joke. If I don't get going soon, it'll be Christmas, and I sure won't be getting any then! Very annoying.

Never mind, he's been in touch and has the camera and the props, and we're going to have some fun with the camera. Ho ho ho!! Take my santa hat too?? Yes!! So fun.

I had a little success this week. I've been talking to this guy in the states - he contacted me first and said he was thinking of getting a little extra. He sounded very nervous, and we chatted about his worries. Then he went on his business trip on Sunday. Well, he'd barely arrived when he got the receptionist naked on his couch!! Good going. Maybe I should take up sex coaching and give up teaching. I guess he must also be very gorgeous for a woman to throw her knickers off so quickly, don't you? He's coming to see me in March.

What would I call myself? Sexual confidence for the depressed married? Coaching for the useless shagger? I do seem to have a knack xxxx

Frustrations!!

Well my lovelies, it all went wrong this week. I was supposed to be spending all day Saturday having fabulous naked naughtiness, but then the snow came. Well, I possibly could have got there, but then getting home at all was in serious doubt. Very annoying indeed. Still, maybe next week, or at least soon? Hope so. It'll be nice when I don't have to cover my tracks so much won't it?

It's really looking very good for me - financially I reckon I can do it. The practicalities are worrying me a bit, but the more organised I get, the easier it will be I think. It's just stuff, that's what I keep telling myself - nothing compared to my freedom. I know I can get the house sold quick too, and have some money to do some things with, as well as a deposit for the future I think. I actually can't wait. Every day I get more irritated at the way I'm treated here - I've had it, really I have.

And of course, there's all the possibilities I will have for meeting my lovely men isn't there? I'm so hoping the bm will call. It's about the right timing for him. I'm not counting on anything as you know, but I really do feel we could move onto another level you know, very easily. I don't want to spook him, because he just got out of one relationship, but if it's right, it's right, isn't it? But fear not, several other prospects on the horizon - an American who wants to come and see me in March, oh, yes I think so, don't you?? Plus, the lovely swimmer who wants me to go to France with him in the summer - boy, that's something to look forward to, isn't it? xxxx

I've been saving like I've never saved before. Didn't know I had it in me!! Well there we are. Flat deposit is in the bag if I carry on like this. Just need the motivation I guess. Also scouring the place for more things I can sell to add to it. The debts and stuff are much better now as well, so perhaps I could even get a loan. Who knows.

A nice surprise from the golfer - come on saturday, oh ok then. xx A little bit concerned about the weather, but what the hell. So at least I won't be completely frustrated, yum.

Still waiting to hear - I'll be in touch!! grrrr Still, it's what he does, isn't it? I really wouldn't be surprised to get one of those urgent type messages again sometime soon.

Spoke to middle daughter - told her I'm going. But the upside is I want to move nearer her, so that might be really good mightn't it? Oh is going to see her tomorrow, so I've sent her a message to not say anything, or try to 'help' - please? It could get really bad if he know - snowstorming is the way to go, I know it.

Anyhow, hoping for a call.....x

Baby Steps

The plan is coming together very well. Finances are my chief stumbling block, but that does seem to be sorting itself out amazingly well - much to my surprise I must say.

Also had a kind of cryptic conversation with youngest daughter. She knows what's going off. It'll be fine. Difficult, as I don't want to lay it all on her shoulders, but she has to have some idea - and yes, she does. Wonder what else she knows? Caught me talking to the bm on msn once! Actually saw his name - omg! Has she told the others I wonder??

Well, a plan afoot to see the golfer. Yum. I didn't think I'd have much work next week, but suddenly turns out I have lots, so may have to do the weekend instead. It's so worth it though. He is reliably lovely.

My American is deadly serious about coming over as well. Wow. He's coming with his friend - and do I know anyone I can fix him up with? Goodness, no idea. And obviously not about to divulge my secret life to all and sundry - or even my best friend! How do you go about that - hey, want to have some sex with a sex-starved married yank? No, never met him. Can't see it going over too well, can you?

Other good news is the bitch from work has gone for a whole month - and is becoming very unpopular with the powers that be. Isn't that nice? It's just karma at work isn't it? Always worth the wait, in my opinion. Things could get real nasty for her then couldn't they if it works as it should! xxxx

Change?

Well, I feel change is in the air - I have decided I am absolutely leaving this wash-out of a marriage. Time scale - loose, but by the spring. And taking a friend's advice and pretending all is well until the escape is planned and in operation. Of course that will give me the chance to be incredibly naughty and do what I want as well, which just sounds excellent, doesn't it? Time to live a little!

Intriguingly, some of my guys seem to be cracking into action as well. The sailor wants to actually meet! Well, there's a thought. And so does the lovely squaddie - that's got to be done too, even if it's just to see that lovely cock for real. And the best, my american guy is getting a trip together to London. How great would that be?? Blissful I think.

Well, not heard from him again, on a more downbeat note. This is becoming the norm isn't it? And annoyingly, he is the one I care about the most. As you know. What did he say? I'll be in touch - is that the most aggravating phrase in the english language? Probably xxx

Busy Day!

Well, I sent a naughty photo to the sailor late last night and was rewarded with an early morning horny message. Lovely start to the day. Sent one to the squaddie too last night and he kept me awake with filthy texts telling me what he wanted to do to me. Quite fun he works a night shift, but I'm missing my beauty sleep. Mind you, he does get me excessively horny, so what can I do?

I chatted to that new guy today. He's being a perfect gentleman at the moment, but he does sound really nice. He lives near my brother - that opens up some possibilities doesn't it? Not that I think my brother would let me shag a guy in his house, but it would give me an excuse wouldn't it? I guess I don't have to shag everyone I make friends with though, maybe I shouldn't jump the gun.

I talked to my favourite swimmer today too - things are going well for him and he's making lots of money. Well, money may be filthy, but it's freedom and independence too, so more power to him I say. He's been doing some legal stuff to get free too - sounds good doesn't it?

But where is the most frustrating man in the world you ask? I'll be in touch. Hmmm But then he always turns up when I least expect him doesn't he? And don't forget, he's free now. xxxxx

Optimism

I feel so much better today. Just making plans and looking forward can do that I think. Made a new friend today - a guy in the same situation as me - sounds really nice actually. Can I juggle another one - oh yes, I think so. Just imagine how much fun I can have living alone and shooting off to see my guys as and when the opportunity arises - probably not much different to now really, just a bit less lying involved I guess.

Also had an uplifting bus journey - a lovely photo from the sailor - with a ruler for perspective. Boy, is his confidence growing, along with that lovely thing of his. It's rather tantalising really, cos we haven't managed to get together yet and I so want to get my mitts on it. I'm being so good - I deserve it, don't I?? Please??? xx

A Better Day!

Bit of a grim day yesterday in many ways. Made better by a lovely chat with my favourite doc. Yes, still. I know. But he's left his wife now - is this becoming something of a theme with my guys or what? He still wants to meet up, and you know I'm thinking why the hell not?? So I might - not sure how or when though, it might take a bit of arranging methinks, but then if I'm a free agent, it would be easy wouldn't it?

Been looking at flats tonight - and thinking nice thoughts.

Also a nice chat with the sailor this afternoon. The old favourites are hanging in there aren't they? And I'm seriously expecting some nice smutty texts in the middle of the night from my fave ex-squaddie - who is seriously stacked I might say! And yes, I have kept that photo, lol!! Why not?

Work is a bit of a bore this week, but needs must. Might skive off and go to see the golfer for the day soon - yes, I do want to! Might actually have some money next week, so some clothes shopping I think to balance out the mass clear out in effect at the moment. You know, you'd think he'd have some idea, wouldn't you? Especially as I told him. What can you do. xx

Sunday again!

Well it is indeed Sunday again, which is actually one of my most-loathed days. Shouldn't be, should it - day of rest and all that? But the general way of things on a Sunday is that I'm on my own most of the time. Oh gets up and ignores me all morning, cos reading the paper is so important. Then goes to the pub. When he comes back, he eats and falls asleep. So I'm alone most of the day in fact. Can't imagine why I want to leave, can you?

Anyhow, I've been writing a lot today, which is nice. And also had a nice chat with my guy in the states. He's so smart and easy to talk to. He doesn't seem to mind me talking about my home situation a bit either and is a good sounding board actually. And a lot of fun too. He writes me lovely naughty stories, and I do for him too - they're rather wonderful, hope we get to try them out one day.

But it also sets me thinking as well. I seem to be developing a type - and he's very clever, professional and smart. Not really what I would have imagined from who I live with (not to put to fine a point). But they seem to like me too, more to the point - and what a boost that is, isn't it?

Anyhow, I've been seriously thinking about moving out today - and the thought is actually rather exciting. I'm not quite there financially, but moving towards it. I do wonder about asking for help from somewhere - I mean, people do this all the time, don't they? How hard can it be? Some more research I think.

Hoping to hear from my favourite guy this week (yes, I know - as always!). But I know he had to go abroad and things, so I reckon he might be back now. Wouldn't that be nice? xxxx

Pondering?

I'm feeling very ponderous today - is it the weather closing in or just the shit state of my home life? Not sure, probably both. Anyhow, I'm haven't seriously blogged too much for a while, so will catch up with things a little bit. I'm still at home with my oh and my daughter, but I've now moved into the spare bedroom, which actually is quite lovely: I can mess around all night with the guy who works in a hotel and sends me filthy texts at three in the morning. It actually disturbs my sleep a lot less than the oh coughing and getting up to pee fifty times a night, and a whole lot more welcome. Of course, if I get really wound up, I can sort myself out too, which is really nice as well.

Of course the sex life here is now dead and buried - and I think honestly the relationship is too. I'm kind of waiting and planning and getting things sorted. Now you'll remember I did tell him I wanted to go in a deadly serious, let's be adults sort of way. Since then as you might imagine, he has totally ignored the fact, and wouldn't you know it, not made any effort at all on the home front - well I haven't noticed if he has.

Of course, like an idiot, I've been trying not to do the so-called annoying things that he couldn't stand. Like talking about work, and so forth, and being boring. Funny isn't it, how my guys don't think I'm boring at all, but then I suppose they do want to get in my knickers don't they?

So I've been sorting out finances, and tidying up things around the house and so forth. I seriously want to sell up and be gone next year. I'm so hoping my daughter will be gone, but I'm not sure if she will. It would be so much easier wouldn't it? I just keep imagining how great it will be to live on my own. You know, he jokingly calls me his carer - but that's actually what I feel like - and I guess partly why I'm so nervous of going - how on earth will he survive??? But this is my life, what can I do?

The other thing on my mind a lot is my lovely bm. Of course, I've not heard from him since the yummy evening together, but that's okay. But it's changed the whole game somewhat now he's not with the girlfriend any more (with the stupid foreign name, haha). Mind you, should be a lot easier to see each other too. It just makes me a bit uneasy he doesn't want to see me for quite so long I guess. I suppose I shouldn't be so cranky and what will be will be. Trouble is, I do really like him - really.

But I'm still keeping busy with various other guys, which is still fun, and keeps me from obsessing too, which can only be good can't it? I've still only managed to sleep with three, so I'll give myself a mark of 'could do better' I think. Maybe I should add a couple more soon - I think it's time I went on another course or something don't you? And got shagged rotten as well.

I have this amazing guy in the states, who wants to come over and spend a few days in London - how great would that be? We're very much on the same wavelength and he's just lovely. Married of course. He told me though that sex with his wife had been the same for over twenty years - lube up and get it over with - ugh! He's like me, he sees some other women too - and tells me all about it, lol!!

Anyhow, a long post, but I feel I needed to catch up a little. I'll fill you in on some of my other guys as it comes up. In the meantime, I'm going to go and do some writing - I'm hoping to get published soon, but it actually needs to be finished, doesn't it? Hey ho xxxx

Sick

I knew it was too good to last - I've got a rotten cold. And of course, when I get a rotten cold I also get horribly maudlin and introspective. Hope I didn't give it to my favourite guy, but I rather think I must have - after all, all those bodily fluids, lol!

I do think I've got it really rather badly for him. I don't particularly want to talk to my other guys at all - with the exception of the swimmer of course, who I love unreservedly. I just want him again, that's all. It's bad isn't it? But we are just so perfect together. My poor heart is going to get mashed isn't it? I guess like he's done to the girlfriend with the stupid foreign name. Still, let's see eh?

I do think I need to get a bit busier, especially now it's the winter and I'm not working so much. I also need to get a bit fitter - my guy's been going to the gym and now looks even more mouth watering - I'm in danger of looking like the blob next to him. Nice to have an appreciative audience for the efforts too. Hmmm Swimming and running I think - and some free weights at home. Did wonders before - how long ago was that? A lifetime - I still thought if I lost weight I'd get sex - who was that stupid person?? xx

A kind of nice surprise

Well, what a busy week. Got a new phone, and of course I couldn't work it all that well. So, of course, it went off in the middle of a lesson, and guess who had sent me a text - yes, the most frustrating man in the world. Well, having great difficulty finishing the lesson with a big cheesy grin on my face, but the great news was, he wanted to meet the next day. So, even though I meant to play hard to get and all that nonsense, of course, I said yes.

Well, so nice to see him - ssooooo nice. And he had news - he is now single - and that's a large part of why I haven't seen him. It took a bit of trying to do it nicely, and then just having to do it and cut the chord, and was actually quite vile from what he says. He's fine though - but she still thinks he's having some kind of a crisis or something, and expects to hear differently. So, despite him saying, I don't want to talk about this all night, we did for a while. I do understand very much how people don't listen to what you're saying - happened to me, right? I'm so glad we talked - it was so nice. And I'm even more glad we went to bed, it was just incredible. And I do mean incredible - and emotional too. Of course now I guess I'll be eaten up with the thought he might be dating or something. But hey, what will be will be won't it? And you know, he would tell me.

It may be we can see each other a little more often now - wouldn't that be nice. He said that he knew staying with her would be okay - but he knew he could be happier. You know, I do hope really that I could be the one who made him happier - and I'd give up the others like a shot you know - but if not, I genuinely want him to be. He deserves it, he really does. What a wonderful man xxxx

Surprise!

Well, I have had a surprising few days - in mostly a good way I think. Had a nice note from my golfer guy - we have a nice time together but that's it. Perfect. Still yet to hear from the most frustrating man in the world. But you know, he would tell me if he'd had enough. I know it. I would love to see him soon though.

Looks like the swimmer may not be down as soon as we thought, due to a change of plan by his daughter. Shame, but I think we'll meet soon anyhow you know. The big surprise is the doc got in touch again. Now, things have changed a bit, he's living away from home. And he wants to meet up for a weekend. How mad. But why not? Indeed. He's still paranoid as hell, my goodness I do hate that, but I guess I can't blame him. Especially since what happened with the golfer. Still feel a little guilty to be honest, but what could I have done?? So, I may well have to think of another brilliant excuse soon.

And I'm thinking a lot how much easier this would be if I lived on my own. Wouldn't it? Still planning and plotting. It's hard though isn't it? I need a man again and soon. Hope someone gets it together. xxxx

Mellow!

Well, I'm feeling so much better today. Spent most of the day having lots of lovely naughty sex and my whole body feels like it's glowing and happy today. See, it is a physical need! Lovely day with the golfer, who cooked me lunch, and we had such a lovely time talking about stuff as well. His wife's gone, which I still feel a bit bad about, but he made me feel better, and said he knew it would happen sometime. And he's actually quite happy on his own, despite the drop in income and so forth. But we talked a lot about the future and he's quite optimistic.

You know, we both said how we'd probably never set up in a relationship again - either living together or married. This is so much better. Mind you, he is not having much success finding someone else, but hopefully that will change soon. He is rather spectacularly good in bed, and I made so much noise I'm surprised the neighbours didn't phone the police or something - goodness me. Trouble is, a lot of women look for a good looking man don't they, and they're not always great in bed are they? And honestly, he's not great looking, but he's nice, clean, a gentleman - what the hell?

Still not feeling the slightest tiniest bit guilty - amazing. You'd think I would. Life isn't black and white though is it - am I doing a bad thing? Probably. But I need to! And that's it. xxxx

Exciting!!

Off tomorrow to have some sex - oh yes!! First time since August - two months!! Christ, I've got all these men, and that's the best I can manage? Guess it's just as well I do then isn't it? I've been doing a lot of writing lately - and I've been writing particularly naughty stories for my lawyer in the states - which he likes very much! Maybe I'll make some money at this one day. I'm seriously getting to the point where I may do. Wouldn't that make a difference to me? Plus I could tell that witch at work I was a published author too! I'm getting lots of support from strange places too - the universe is odd isn't it?

Tomorrow, meeting the golfer - reliably naughty, large and a gentleman. What more do you want? Should be great. And hopefully I won't have to wait two months till the next time - Christmas?? Don't think so.

That young guy is still in touch - and treading very carefully now. Which is a good thing. He knows I was severely pissed off - well who needs it? But we're still moving on I think. Never ever slept with anyone younger than me I just realised - about time perhaps. Should be good I think.

And still the bm continues to drive me crazy. Oh, fuck it!! Well, it's too much - he could actually be dead couldn't he? Or married - well, I wouldn't know would I? I'm so very glad I have other men.

My online friend wants me to tell my story to go in his book. So, do I tell the truth or do I tell a version of it?? Well, I don't think it's too bad honestly, and maybe if more people did what I do, the world would be a happier place. I know I'm happier. Wish me luck tomorrow xxxx

Three Days!

Three days to go till I get some action!! Go me! Nothing since August, which is depressing, but this should more than make up for it. Quite excited. Hope he's okay.

Kind of made of with the young guy - not giving him an easy ride though - how horrid am I? Well, fuck it, he upset me. And he needs to know that. This other bird is in fucking Australia or something, and how likely is that to happen - he needs to remember what side his bread's buttered on doesn't he? Just want to play with him a bit now, mwahahaha.

The swimmer wants me to go stay with him in his daughters fabulous house - well, yes I think so, don't you?? Working on my excuses as you can imagine. But may have to cut the visit short for daughter duties - I don't mind really, but, god, the timing!! It's all good as work is kind of tailing off a bit at the moment - not good for the money side of things, but gives me time to play with doesn't it?

And yet nothing from the bm!! WTF!!! This is now getting a bit much, but is not unusual for him at all. Dear god though. If this is what it's like with a successful man then I'm kind of glad I didn't do this before - however, his plan is to retire soon - and my plan is to be with him. Wonder what he'd think of that. Best not tell him eh? xxxx

Bitchy??

Am I being unreasonable - do I even care?? Well then, this young guy came back online. We chatted a bit, he said let's go on skype - I said no. I said I felt embarrassed about it and a bit foolish. Was that my fault, he said - I said yes. Well I don't know, was that a bit over the top? He did, and it was and I'm buggered if I'm going to pretend. I said who is this amazing person you can't stop talking about then? He said, well I do talk to other people. Well so do I, I said.

Well today, he's taken his status off. And I'm glad. You don't go showing bits of your body to people to have you tell them about all their other women do you? Maybe I should tell him all about my other guys - let him feel bad - cos I'm pretty sure he's all talk and no action. Or shall I just mess with him. God, this internet thing is a whole can of worms isn't it?

I still think it's kind of bad form to do well, cyber sex with someone, and then post on your status how great someone else is - or is it me??? Maybe someone should write some rules about this, cos I think that's just rude.

Last night he started apologizing -it wasn't my intention to, blah blah..... well what was your bloody intention you fool?? I didn't let him - I said I'm going - and went. Let him stew. Honestly, for someone who was a counsellor, he's a bloody fool isn't he? Sensitivity of a gnat.

You know, I do know lots of guys I see have other women - I just don't want to know all about them. Now, is that unreasonable or not? And do I actually care if it's not? The jury's still out I guess xxx

Not sure??

Hmm well not sure about new guy. I guess he sounded too good to be true actually, so hey I told you so? Well, we skyped and got on okay and I thought it was pretty good. Then I saw his profile - he'd met a wonderful new woman, couldn't stop thinking about her, blah blah - not me!! Well, bit put off if I'm honest. Yes, I know, how unreasonable - but I did feel really put out. Anyhow, Friday I gave him a bit of a cold shoulder to be honest. Not really on purpose cos I was busy. Not heard from him since. We'll see I think. Anyhow, I do have enough men really don't I? I was just being greedy.

So, next week seeing the golfer, yum. And soon will see the swimmer - my favourite man. Still not heard from the bm - love of my life, but trying hard to be cool about that. Not easy. Haven't seen him since June, which is a bit much isn't it? You know what, it's okay though, because he's not the only guy. Would be hard else I really do think.

More good news - got tickets for Glastonbury. Well, mixed feelings about this really. Remember when me and the other half had the talk? You can't leave, what about Glastonbury? Will I still be here? Honestly I hope not. But the plans are moving along, and things so who knows? Will he ever talk to me about things - I rather think not, he prefers the head in the sand - or going to the pub. Still, one day he'll come home and I'll be gone. Always said I would - and he has always known how much I hate that pub. I said I wanted to petrol bomb it once - I would too! Hate it. It's hard to come second to a load of old men. And he has the cheek to be annoyed that I go on the internet and write! Oh dear!! Rant over xxx

New Guy

I have a new guy - yes, I know, greedy girl. He's very keen. And he's ten years younger than me (remember long, long ago, I was only going to go for younger men?). And he looks pretty yum. Lives a long way away, but I'll let him figure that one out - men seem to enjoy a challenge don't they? I like this one.

Also seeing the golfer in just under two weeks - reliably hot kinky sex - a lot to be said for that I think. And may well be seeing the swimmer too the week after-ish, when he'll be about again. Golly, he was older, but the best oral of my life - still getting over that!! I could also go and see him, that's a possible - he's been staying in a cottage at his daughter's - so could go and visit. Will think about that. Also wants me to go to Cyprus - not sure about that, or how I could get away, but we'll see, eh?

Still not heard from the bm since he said he was so busy. Hmmm - I'm never sure if I should read anything into it or not. But I do know he'll be getting two daughters off to university at the moment, so is probably hideously busy in reality. Wish he'd email or something though. Really wonderful sex with him - an all round good performance, lol!! Still I think this new guy might be quite special - not worried about older women either.

I'm still thinking a lot about Maslow - it's so obvious isn't it?? I have to do this or I lose my marbles. However, I'm still considering faking a depression as a reason for leaving - just not too sure I can keep it up. Good idea though. We're in separate beds now - and it's actually so much better. No rejection, which is good - and no being woken up constantly, also good - and no listening to constant wheezing - excellent! Daughter is visiting next week, so I guess I'll have to go back for a night or two. Think he'll want sex? Me neither. Don't care any more. xxxx

Wow!

I just had a bit of a revelation - which is also to say that it's so simple, and why the hell didn't I see this before?? Well, when I was starting my teaching degree, one of the first things we learnt about was Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Now I have to say, at the time it seemed like stating the bleeding obvious, so I kind of took it in and thought no more about it. Well, someone posted it today on a website I look at - in the spirit of this is why you feel like shit.

Well, it was so blindingly obvious. I knew I felt bad, I knew why, but to see it like that in a diagram, well it just hits you between the eyes doesn't it? And it also made me think that I can't really move forward in my life and achieve what I want to while I have this big gap in my support system.

On a physical level you need sex. Yes, obviously, but there's vibrators and hands and whatever isn't there? The big gap for me is connecting and affection - that's what I don't get at home - that's what I need - and that's what I'm getting from my guys. It's so obvious isn't it? And so, that's why I feel so cranky at the moment, cos they're all neglecting me!

Mind you, my American guy sent me a link - how to make lots of money - cos I said if I had loads I'd obviously spend it coming to see him! Not sure if it's legit, but could sure do with lots of money! I'll check it out. xxxxx

Sunday

I've had a much better day, and I really don't feel so bad. What was going on last week? I just felt horrible. Strange. Still no action for S, so a bit sad really, but a few things in the pipeline I think. My favourite guy who does my head in all the time, will be in touch when he can give me a definite date. He always does this - annoying, but I really don't think he can help it. Still, it helps you to be calm knowing you have other men doesn't it?

I think the swimmer will visit soon, and I'm going to see the golfer in about three weeks. So, plans are looking good. I'd like to see this other guy, but not really sure how that's going to work out. We'll see about that I think. He's definitely up for it, bless. I also have a wonderful man in the states - I think I've mentioned him. He may well come over for a visit - wow! - wouldn't that be something! I'm going multi-national!

You know, I've started to write again, and one of the things I've been writing is my thoughts about what has been happening to me over the last couple of years. I think people could be interested to read it, what do you think? And also about the whole sexless marriage thing, which I've found out so much about. It's a real epidemic and I can't believe now I ever thought I was the only one!! Also trying to finish my novels which are more likely publication material I think. Reading them again after a break was nice - they're pretty good! Need more naughty bits though - I would say that though, wouldn't I??? xxx

Change

I'm still sleeping in the spare room - and wow do I feel better! I did think about going back at the weekend, but honestly, when he got up three times in an hour to pee, I thought, no, I can't stand this. I've been sleeping so well, all wrapped up and dreaming of my lovely men. Only thing better would be if one was actually here wouldn't it?

Waiting to hear from the bm about thursday. Not holding my breath though, honestly. Bloody men! Obviously not thinking of me, sat here like a crazed nun!! I've not had sex since August and the swimmer - mind you, that kept me going for a while didn't it?? Could definitely use it though.

I was feeling really down yesterday - you know what, it's Sundays isn't it? I've got to avoid them at all costs. How do I do that?? Well, I could meet a man - I could get really busy. Must think of something though. It was bad and I haven't really got past it all day. Made me wonder if I wasn't risking my health sticking it out though. Still, what better excuse to leave - I've had a breakdown because of you!! Oh, the guilt - oh the possibilities. xxxx

Feeling Good!

You'll never guess why! It's probably not the whole story, but I've started sleeping on my own - a step backward you might think. But a good one perhaps. I feel so much better, it's like I've been suffering from sleep deprivation for the last year or something - my oh does not sleep well, and all the coughing caused by the resumed smoking doesn't help a bit. He sleeps a lot in the day too - usually an afternoon nap and an evening doze. Well I don't and I bloody well need to sleep. Of course, it also means I can mess about a bit, which does aid restful sleep I think you'll agree.

Now I'm considering whether I want to sleep with him just at weekends - and honestly, I'm thinking not. It's not like we have sex is it???? So what's the point? Did have a chat with my daughter today - said I can't see myself being here much longer. She's not surprised - she's not daft. I think she'd feel bad if she thought I was staying for her. It's not just that though - I am having to pluck up courage to an extent. And I know I'm going to be seen as the guilty party - although I was much encouraged by my friend's experience - her husband wanted all their friends to agree she'd been a bitch, and they all said, well you neglected her, what did you expect?? So I wonder if people are really as daft as you think always. Still, I know he'll try and say I'm this that and the other. Hey ho.

Really hoping to see my favourite man next week. Possibly thursday. He had some sort of work problem last week, and something with his daughter. Okay. He's a good man, actually. I know it. It's just been so long, and he promised it wouldn't be this time - and yes, I know I'm whingeing, but oh my goodness, four months!!! I don't know - the sensible part of me says, well he doesn't really care if he leaves it that long. The other part kind of thinks he's testing me in some way. God knows. Probably just means he's busy. Hope he does care, but not much I can do about it, is there? xxxx

Another rain check!!

I'd been looking forward to meeting my favourite guy for the night this week. Well, he had to go and do some business stuff apparently. Damn and blast. But next week might be good with a bit of luck, so all is not lost. And the great thing is that he's so keen to see me, and actually sounds really annoyed about it. Nice.

Well, I continue to correspond with lots of guys at the moment. Fixed up to see the golfer next month. And the swimmer is coming down in a couple of weeks - love him. I do. The best thing at the moment is this guy from the states though - I know, it's so ridiculously unlikely isn't it? But I think he's actually going to come to London just to see me! Wow! We do get on astonishingly well - he is really such a lovely guy. Wife is hopeless apparently. A recurring theme in my life at the moment. What's wrong with these women?? Don't they know men love sex - end of?? Well, they do with me, anyhow. Fine with me. I do seem to be getting a type - he's rather wealthy and distinguished and tall and thin. Nice, eh? If only I'd realised that was my type a few years ago - could have done rather better for myself maybe. Mind you, someone wrote something to me today, that made me think. He said that because of all the pain we've suffered in our sexless marriages, we must be better people for it. I'd never thought about that, just saw it as a waste of my life. Perhaps he's right though - and I'm damned sure I'm going to make the most of my life from now on. Might have a busy few weeks coming up with a bit of luck. What a year it's been!! xxx

A bit of a crisis

I had a bit of a funny moment early this weekend. Something of the 'what the hell am I doing?' variety. Weird, I didn't see that coming - I just felt awful. I started thinking about how everything would look if people were talking about me - why, because we'd been gossiping - always a bad idea. So, of course, I wrote to the swimmer, and he is so wise. He said you're on a journey, nothing you do is wrong - what other people think isn't important. I said what about you and me, I don't want you to feel bad. He said, we're sharing the journey for a while. He's right I think. This isn't something you can try and categorise.

And I'm talking to several guys online, but I'm not sleeping with all of them, so what the hell. I told one guy I was seeing someone else - he said won't he be upset if we talk. I said, until he loves me and puts a ring on my finger, I'm a free agent. And I really feel that now. If my other half had done that I might feel differently, but he didn't. So.

And....... heard from the bm. Week after next for another night of bliss. If he asked I'd be gone - ring on finger, the whole kit and caboodle. I would. So I honestly think my other guys are my safety valve. Not the swimmer though - will always adore him. Unconditional love - that's it. I'm so lucky, what lovely men. xxxx

The worst summer!!

Tomorrow is the last day - and then the summer is over - work wise I mean! What a relief - and I'm seriously wondering if I want to do it again! I've been looking at various different ways of earning a buck and having a good old think. Not sure I want to do this forever to be honest - it's just too bloody hard. Still, we'll see.

Heard from the swimmer - will be down in September for another fun-filled stress free couple of days together - adore him sooooo much! Not heard from the bm - well, wouldn't you know it?? And still talking a lot to my guy in the states. What a classy guy - so good for me! I think I'll run away with him.

Anyhow, so looking forward to chilling a bit at the weekend - and then a bit of normality. Might start to think about other things too - and seeing men! You think?? xxxx

A Quandary!

A woman I work with is making me quite angry at the moment. Not the first time I hear you say. Well, this is pretty relevant to me and my situation. This woman is about 35 years old and has two small children. Mum is about 64 and looks after the kids for her - heroic, cos they're very small. Now, dad (the sainted one) has been dead for exactly two years. Mum, good on her, has got herself a boyfriend. But my friend at work is pretty unhappy about this - apparently two years is not long enough for her to mourn. She doesn't understand why and how mum can move on at all.

Well, I've been mostly listening - today I said, have you met him? No. I thought, well how can you judge anything. And actually, what I've been thinking all along is, it's none of your damned business!! Well apparently one brother has met him and he looks like a cross between George Clooney and Harrison Ford. Well, I said if she gets tired of him..... Haha - went down like a burning spitfire!!

But in my opinion, when you're 64, you're going to grab a slice of happiness if you get a chance, aren't you? Anyhow, I asked my daughters what they thought about this - what a bitch, they said! Leave her alone, none of your business.

I was so pleased about this, I really was. I mean, you know what I'm up to - and maybe one day I'll have a similar situation, and if they behaved like that I'd be truly embarrassed that they were related to me - I honestly would. One thing she said was - I never thought mum would need to have a man to be complete. I thought, hey you do need a man to do some things hunni - or don't you think your mum does that any more? Bit my tongue though.

I'm waiting to hear from him again - grrrrrr. He always has this effect on me, doesn't he? I was so right to get myself some other men, it definitely helps a lot. Still, it's Wednesday, should hear in the next day or two. Bloody men xxxxx

Bad news!

Well, a bit of a bombshell today - the golfer has split with his wife. He told me she'd got into his email. Well, I was horrified as you can imagine - there were photos!! But apparently she only read one fairly innocuous note - thank god!! But I still feel a bit bad. He seems quite optimistic and feels it's probably the right thing in a lot of ways. I guess he's a free agent now and can search out more women much more easily if he wants - and he does, I know. It was difficult for him being with her all day, and also with no sex. They were like companions, and nothing more. And that is a bit hard, I know. Still, might go see him soon - we do do sex well the pair of us!

Another note from the bm - will send some possible dates for a meeting - yummmmm xxx And been talking to the swimmer quite a lot - adorable man. Got to see him again soon - I think he might have the record you know - the most orgasms in one afternoon record. Wow. He's really going to do this housesitting thing - I'm rather tempted to do it with him. Maybe now is not the moment though. But soon. I really feel like I don't want to still be doing the same job this time next year - and I could really go for something mad like that you know. The summer has been so hard. I told my mate at work, it just makes me feel ill that I might be here next year. He knows what I mean. I'm always saying it, but life's too short! xxxx

Love it!

Well, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all my men today. It takes a fair bit of upkeep you know. Especially now my favourite man is back on the scene (another message today x). Then I got a message from a good friend in the states - she has three on the go and has never been happier. So I said, hey, I'm catching you up!! She goes for much younger men - good for her! I don't know, I quite like older guys - at least you can have a good conversation, that's important to me, I find.

I really like this new guy in the states - he's very special. Such a shame he's so far away, isn't it? I really think he will come over though - I do!! Wouldn't that be amazing. He really likes me a lot too. It's enough to turn a girl's head isn't it?

My swimmer is going to couples counselling on monday - oh dear, I said! He said, don't worry, I won't tell! He's going to make a new life for himself, and he's going to do a lot of housesitting - which sounds brilliant doesn't it? You get paid to do it too. I could do that, couldn't I? And he's registered to do it abroad as well. How interesting, don't you think? We're absolutely definitely meeting up again - and maybe forever - I adore him, I really do.

The bm meanwhile is away in Bristol or somewhere - probably with the girlfriend. But wants to meet up soon, which is good. I'm really into this guy you know - well, you do - but I still feel it's early days and need to be cool. It's hard. But it's different with him - so wonderful. I just hope he feels the same. And I do honestly think he does. xxxx

The best news!

Well, he's been in touch - the bm - the favourite man! I was so right to sit on my hands, and not send pathetic begging type emails! Seems he's just been away, and busy, so that's fine. And he wants to meet up again ....soon!!! Well, I left 24 hours before replying - well you know, I am a rules girl! And that gave me time to be cool, but not gushing. Very well done me!

Heard from the swimmer too - we're both very happy with each other! My bestest friend. And we'll do it again soon as well. And I continue to have these lovely conversations with the lawyer in the states. What a lovely man. Goodness, what a lucky girl I am. Time was, I'd have been happy with just one of these guys I think, but maybe it's karma after going without for so long. Life is good xxxx

International??

Well, it looks like I may be about to go international. I've been talking to a lovely guy from the States - all the while thinking, hey, nothing can possibly come of this. But now, he's decided to come over and visit me!! It's just so flattering isn't it? We got to talking and he tells me all sorts of things, like how he hasn't been able to have sex with his wife in 20 years without using lube! Yeuch. I told him I'd never used it - well, I never have! We really do get on ever so well.

You know, the reason I think I do so well at this is that I don't want them to leave their wives. And of course, I genuinely love men. But most of them are a bit scared of bunny boilers - and rightly so in my opinion. This guy (the lawyer) said that he couldn't believe such a demure looking lady had such a dirty mind! Go me! Well, it's true isn't it?

I've also done incredibly well in that I've got rather well educated, smart guys. Why didn't I the first time around, that's the question isn't it? You know, I'm less and less inclined to settle for one guy in the future, if I can have lots of them. Who cares if they're married - those wives should screw them properly once in a while, then they wouldn't come after me, would they? It's not rocket science, is it? And obviously, if I was getting screwed, I probably wouldn't have gone out looking for it either. So glad I did though. Maybe I missed my calling, hmm? xxxx

Funny!

Well the dust has settled a bit, but I'm still really happy about this week. I think I'll be seeing this guy for all eternity to be honest. However it goes. The first person I had to tell was my friend in Carolina - and he really is a good friend. I don't think I've mentioned him, but he was married to an englishwoman, sexless of course - and is now with a lovely american lady in the blue ridge mountains. Idyllic or what? Mind you, they still have their problems with the daughter and the ex. What I love about him is his acid tongue - and my god, he's so witty and clever. Someone did a forum - who would you want to sleep with on here - he picked me!! How sweet, and I was incredibly flattered.

They reckon I'm the most english person on the website - not sure how to take that really! Funny though. And they've invited us over - how cool would that be? His latest is he wants me to kill my husband - now I said, he's doing a bang up job himself with the smoking and the booze. He said, no, do it for me - cos I so wish I'd killed my wife, and I'd be a million pounds richer. I can hide out over there too. Love it.

Now I'm thinking I might hear from the bm next week, cos he'll be back at work. Or have I blown it in some way. Not sure - I really do think he's just been busy. And my swimmer told me to see my other guys so I didn't turn into a crazed nun! He is perfect for me, isn't he? xxxx

A Perfect Day!

Well, sorry to be so sickening - but yesterday was even better. What a lovely man I've found. He took me to lunch, and he'd bought me a present too. Then we went to his room for the whole afternoon. Oh my goodness. You know, he may not be able to keep it up too long, but more than made up for it with enthusiastic linguistic activities - goodness me, how many times can a person come?? I'll tell you - a lot!!! We might try the blue pills next time, but he did fine without them anyhow. He's just a wonderful guy - we get on so well in every way.

He took me out to dinner as well - we had seafood, lush. You know, I was a bit nervous I might see someone I knew, but it was fine. I was looking at the other couples - so many people don't have anything to say to each other do they? No problem with us though - I guess we intrigued people a little as well - who cares? At least we're not dying slowly in a marriage with no words.

Definitely meeting up again - and soon I think. I'm so pleased I took a chance with this guy. I was a little afraid I might end up losing a good friend if we slept together - but that's not going to happen. Really. He's going to be my best friend whatever happens - shame I didn't marry him really isn't it? It really was perfect xxxx

Success!

Well, we met, we got on so well, and we ended up in bed - a perfect afternoon. And guess what, I'm doing the same tomorrow! Life is sweet. He's so nice and funny and smart! Just like I thought. And he hadn't had sex in 13 years! That's just wrong. He didn't need the blue pills either - go me!! Well, you know, I'm getting good at it now. But I have to say, he was pretty magnificent - made me come umpteen times, and the oral, oh my god!! I don't think I've ever had better - ever!!!! We had a shower together too - that was nice. Crammed a lot in in a short time actually. Tomorrow should be nice as well. And we're going to eat as well - he's so easy to talk to. And he knows everything. My darling man x

I think the lawyer was absolutely right - I need more men. He'll be coming down this way a fair bit, so it'll be perfect. You know what was nice too - my first vasectomy - so no worries at all - and he came right inside me - god, I'd forgotten how wonderful that could be. I guess I'd better save my strength for tomorrow xxxx

Tomorrow!

Well, we're meeting up tomorrow - and have it planned so I can stay out Friday if the fancy takes me - you know where I'll be don't you? I do hope we get on - and I found the coffee coloured undies too, you'll be pleased to hear. It's always so nerve-racking, this bit - I'm not too keen on it honestly. But there we are. Where will we meet? Don't know yet - could be awkward, but then how often do I see people I know? Not much.

The lawyer sent me such a nice message - you know, the sort of what we'll do when we get together message. So, I sent one back. I'm getting quite good at this. Maybe I should finish those books - you know, I do think I stalled on the naughty bits - well, if you don't get any, it can be a stumbling block, can't it? I'm quite inspired these days! He thinks I'm smart, sexy and intelligent - can't be bad can it? Wish me luck tomorrow xxx

Tuesday!

Well, as you might still imagine, not heard a thing from the bm - where is he? Although, I really think he's probably on holiday somewhere, and got his girls home. Well, be that as it may, I have been plenty busy without him. Things are getting really hot with two of my online guys - one is in the states, but he does come to england quite a lot! And he's actually quite yummy. The other, is actually quite close to home, but I'm not sure of his circumstances - so might be difficult to get together. Still the flirting is fun - I sent him some naughty photos, he went barmy, bless.

Still meeting up with my swimmer on Thursday. I gather this job might not be going to work out, but he says he'll still be travelling down this way quite a lot - sounds excellent to me? You know, if we don't get on it'll be a huge surprise, and he'll be the first one I haven't hit it off with, won't he? I'm such a slag. Hahaha. Like I care. So, getting my work done, so I can relax a bit for a couple of nights - look my best and all that - where are those gorgeous coffee lace undies my golfer liked so much?? xxxx

Money?

Well, the summer is drawing to a close, workwise - so the hectic activity of the last few weeks will give way to a much calmer me. And, to be honest, I'm getting a little fed up of my hard work making lots of money for other people. So, I think I need to start thinking and planning. I reckon I could earn good money for myself in just a few hours a week - and have lots of time off for mischief. It's got to be done!

I'm also thinking of doing some more exciting things, like travelling and so forth. You know, I really want to go on a tall ship - there's a charity that does this, and you help disabled people to sail. It just sounds brilliant. Next year?? I think so. Well, my aim of having more sex this year is working out very well isn't it? Maybe I'll have some more this week???

In all honesty, I'm a bit nervous - and partly because I think I may fall headlong for this guy when I meet him in person - I love him to pieces now, if I sleep with him, who knows what madness may ensue?? Still, It's not like I'm not going to, so let the chips fall where they may!

The other thing I've got to do, is to do more writing! And stop fooling around with men all day, when I could be writing. I've got two half finished novels - and they're both pretty good. Just need finishing. Still, nanowrimo is coming soon, if I haven't got much further by then.

I have announce to the oh that I may not come home friday - looks like that decision is made then, doesn't it? He'll be my first vasectomy - how lovely - I think that's so cool! You know, I really can't wait!! xxx

Should be exciting!

Well, I've been horribly busy at work for about eight weeks now, so of course, my pursuit of men has suffered a little bit. But not too much, I'm glad to say. This week, I am meeting, yes, meeting with the swimmer - who has almost left his wife, and is travelling down this way to see about a new job and a new place to live. How exciting. Now, we haven't met before, but we have talked so much, and actually in so much depth, that it doesn't really seem like meeting someone new. He's adorable - hope he'll be fanciable as well.

He's going to stay in a hotel in a nearby town for two nights - should give us some time. I'm debating staying out on the second night, or is that too forward. God, I need some though - and so does he. Shall think about it for a day or two I think.

And I've made such a lovely friend in the states - I shall call him the lawyer. He's rather posh, but I like him a lot - he looks rather like the bm - and I like him, don't I? He has a wife, but she's just not interested, so he sees lots of escorts - and a few amateurs. I said, hey come to england and see me. He says he might soon. Well. I like a decisive man, don't you?

So, I told my new found friend about my bm, and he said, well it could be all sorts of reasons - why don't you just drop him a note? Hmmmm I thought, perhaps I could do that. He said I should ask how the girls were and just leave it at that. What a good idea. Men are so sensible sometimes - he doesn't think I'll seem like a bunny boiler if I do. But he agrees how annoying it can be when people disappear. Well, it is if you like them a lot. He says, well, put it down to experience.

I heard from the golfer too. He's very well and looking forward to our next meeting in October. Me too! He likes to hear all the scandal - cos nothing much happens where he lives.

Talking of scandal - my friend who got caught online - well, they've had a week with no kids, and they're trying to sort it out. Apparently, he told the whole world what she'd done and how she was such a bitch. Well, actually not many people agreed with him - they said, well you leave her alone all the time with the kids, what do you expect? So it's been a bit of a shock for him - maybe it was his fault too??? Wish someone would say something like that to my oh - but then I'm not going to broadcast anything I do if I can help it. But maybe I should - after all, he's neglecting me, isn't he? Take care xxx

Reading

I'm still fairly addicted to reading about the sad thing that is the sexless marriage - I know, there's not rhyme or reason and I'm going round in circles. But I did read something so interesting today. It was about the refuser (of sex) and how they won't join in with the trying to do something about it at all. Now, boy, have I been there?? I think I've spent about ten years of my life trying to do something so that I would be worthy of loving. Mind you, a lot of that is good and useful stuff to carry me forward. A lot is not. You know, the waxing, the losing weight, the bloody tanning sessions and the underwear - and boy, all those fantastic meals waiting for the microwave to finally ruin them.

Well, I've made my peace with the sad case I was - and I'm not doing it any more. Now, this is the exact moment the refuser decides to try isn't it?? And yes, it's true! Do they realise the ultimate parting of the ways is looming, or what? He's trying to be nice, he's cooking, he's even trying to have sex!!!!! But I just can't be bothered. Anyway, he's not trying that hard to be honest - he came home from the pub yesterday afternoon and slept all evening on the sofa and then all night in bed - what, over fourteen hours!! I used to hate that pub and want to burn it down - but I'm glad he goes now, cos at least I don't have to watch him sleep any longer than that!

But, on a serious note - I just know that when the final conversation happens, and I leave, he'll promise to try harder - I know it!!!! But it's too damn late - and it was over a year ago. Last June was when I signed up on the site, and I've come too far now. And I honestly don't care if he does smoke and drink himself to death now - bring it on!! That maybe sounds harsh, but being ignored for decades will do that to you! My guy thinks he's an idiot, and I'm not sure I don't agree. xxx

Grim!

Well, my friend who got caught by her husband has decided her marriage is over. She's not had a good week - been sleeping on her friend's sofa. Not seen her kids. Apparently they'd come close to this a couple of times before, which I had no idea about - I've not known her too long actually. Sad though I think when kids are involved - but perhaps even sadder to stay together for the kids.

I've made a new friend in the states - a very eloquent man who is in the same sexless marriage thing. He goes to escorts, and he's been telling me all about it. Very interesting. I guess all that is very expensive though, cos he's not doing it down an alleyway - and he says it's just brilliant. He reckons they enjoy it as much as he does - I'm honestly not convinced. But he's just great to talk to - very entertaining. He's made me think about my situation a bit. I either need one man a lot (well, we know who that is, don't we?) - or perhaps a lot of men a little. Cos this twice a year nonsense is not cutting the mustard really is it? Maybe I'll get back on the site, mmm? Thinking about it anyway - and someone closer to home would be amazing wouldn't it?

And no, I've not heard from him. Having done a bit of stalking like the sad case I am, I think both daughters are home at the moment, and the factory is shut - and I know there was a big family gathering planned for this week. So I guess he's busy. But can't he manage a bloody email once in a blue moon? Obviously not. More men I think - I'm turning into a crazy woman. Probably just need some decent sex actually. Got an offer from the oh this morning - but I just can't be bothered. He thinks if he grabs a tit that I'll feel like it. Well, in all honesty, it takes a lot more than that with a two month interval. Like trying to start a car after a cold spell - haha!! More men - mantra for the day xx

Fed Up!

I'm feeling a bit fed up to be honest - I've not heard from the bm yet, and I'm beginning to wonder what I've done. Maybe I should email him - no, maybe not. Can't bring myself to do that, but I've been sorely tempted I can tell you. In the meantime, I'm kind of internet stalking him in the hope of finding out what he's up to - not doing very well though, unfortunately.

Been nice chatting to the doc again - things very bad with his marriage, and I think he's appreciated having someone to talk to to be honest. Poor thing. Also, continue to chat to the printer, who is nice. The swimmer should be back soon too - lunch is promised, remember?

My friend today got caught having an 'affair' on the internet - she was so upset. I don't know that she was sleeping with him, but a fair bit of flirting I think - her husband read it all. How awful. Reminder to self never to teach husband how to use internet! Not really much chance here I think.

Anyhow, would so love to hear from him - but I don't think he'd just keep me hanging on for no reason - if it was over, he'd tell me. I think. I'm still wondering about this flat he bought too - why couldn't we meet there? How nice that would be, wouldn't it? And he did say we'd go away and go out somewhere - wow - haven't been out since that first meeting have we? And that was pretty nice wasn't it? You see what it does to me? I'm a crazy woman! Grrrr - need sex - now!! xxx