Health?

A lot of time to myself this week, which has been rather nice. I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of reading. One thing I did do, was go for a mammogram - which got me thinking. Now, I haven't got the results yet, but hopefully they'll be fine. But I got thinking about stress and how it affects you - which I was the other week. I'm realising just how much stress I'm actually under by staying here and trying to function - and my god, it could actually kill me couldn't it? A friend died just after christmas - she was taking antidepressants and drinking a lot. Now, that's where it leads to, isn't it? That could be me.

The other thing that got me thinking was how sex is good for you - less risk of heart attack, less stress so on and so forth. So, what does it do to you, not having sex? And being miserable, what does that do? My girls still haven't gotten over the fact that I was offered antidepressants - maybe they will start to understand when I go, that it wasn't all me being selfish, as my H will no doubt tell them.

Well, seeing one of my guys tomorrow, which should be lovely. We're very comfortable with each other now, which is nice. And my wonderful american is coming in march, I'm actually counting the days. I really think we might have a future you know. And why not? He has such similar ideas to me on how to live his life. I was actually thinking about, how if we all switched off the tv and had sex, what a better world it would be. It sure would have been in my house, wouldn't it? Then he said something about he hated wasting time watching tv. No telly for us then - but lots of sex.

I've been reading a very interesting article about a women who, when her husband was forty gave her the present - of having sex every single day for a year. She has a lot to say about all the things I've been thinking about - and echoes a lot of my thoughts about how important it is actually. Nice when things appear to help you along isn't it? I've seen that a lot lately. xxxx

The future!

It's already looking to be a very interesting week! Had a very honest conversation with a close friend at work - she is close and totally trustworthy. Apparently where we work might be going to merge or something with another business - what will it mean for us? Well, she said she wasn't bothered - and I said neither am I - can't see me being here too much longer anyhow. Well, I didn't say, but she totally got it. We know each other well.

But what was really interesting again, was just how excited I felt about it. Being somewhere else - doing something different - being happy??? Dare I hope?

You know, I met with my other friend later - who knew I was having troubles. I think she thinks it's all blown over. Well, I nearly told her but I didn't.

What's really intriguing though is how it all fits in so well with my plans. Amazing. If it all happens I suppose. Just goes to show how the universe can be pretty peculiar sometimes, can't it? xxx

Depression!

I've been thinking very hard still - and I'm still trying to make sense of everything - and I reckon I was still be trying to do so a long time in the future. Cos, actually it all makes no sense at all does it? No. Well this week my H went away for a couple of days - doing a friend a favour. One, I resented it a bit, cos I never go anywhere. Two, I was pleased to have some time on my own. But, I didn't actually expect how good it was going to be - I was so happy to come home when he wasn't here. Me and my D could eat dinner together and chat and watch what we wanted on the tv. It was quite exhilarating. But my god, it made me think. Cos I could feel my heart sink when he walked back in the door. And when it became obvious the first place he'd been had been the pub I thought, oh typical - but I didn't care. I used to, now no.

I told my girls the doctor had offered me antidepressants - they were quite shocked. Didn't go into why, but they have some idea I think. Obviously that's not what I need though is it?

Also had a couple of days without speaking to my american - and my goodness I missed him. And when he came online last night, the joy I felt was just ridiculous - can you fall in love online? My instinct is to say no, but something is definitely happening, and it's not happened with anyone else. Bloody typical I go and pick someone on another continent isn't it? Still, it's not like the H can ever travel there, so might make a lot of sense - not that he'd ever leave the beloved pub for long would he? xxxx

Thinking!

I've been thinking about my life - really, really thinking. And it really has become impossible for me to stay here. This relationship I'm in is toxic, really really damaging. And if I stay, I think there's every chance I might wind up dead like my friend did. I'm fed up with someone trying to control me all the time, telling me I'm not good enough, boring, fat and so on. No, it's not good enough. And you know, I really don't care what people think of me any more either.

I am feeling like I have a million and one things to deal with before I can go - but then most of these things are just that, things. It's all about possessions and not wanting to leave them. And how sad is that - that's what it's become. And after being accused of only wanting money, I'm buggered if I'm going to let worrying about things stop me. No, I'm going - however I have to do it, I'm getting out.

And I have my American waiting in the wings who wants to look after me. Could I really be this lucky?? Well, why the hell not. xx

Looking forward!

My new guy is so perfect - is he real? He loves archaeology and ancient history too - a huge chunk of my degree. We're making so many plans together, where we want to go and what we want to do. He is really wonderful - I just so hope it'll be good when we meet.

Also, not so good, a friend died. I'm a bit shocked cos we're the same age. But it does make you think, hey, I'm not wasting any more time. And I got to thinking - I wonder how much the stress of all this has cost me in terms of my health. And how much better would I be with someone who loved me. I actually can't wait till march, it's going to be so great xx

New Year!

Well, strangely after the New Year, I'm feeling a bit odd - partly excited and partly daunted. Now, my horoscope was good today. It said this year would be a huge adventure, but also not to panic and think I have to rush in with both feet. Good advice perhaps.

I've actually been looking at flats - some are just horrid, but I honestly could manage anywhere if I had to you know. Plus, it's not for ever, is it? Well, the house will have to be sold some day, and then again, my parents aren't going to live for ever, are they? I could end up with a nice little place if I'm not silly.

My favourite marine has been ill for a couple of days, so not speaking too much, poor thing. I'm still a bit ticked off not to hear from the bm, but maybe that ship has sailed - who knows? He is so peculiar sometimes, and it does make me a bit uptight to not hear from him in three months, and then get called up for sex the next day. Is it me?? Shouldn't I get paid for that kind of service??

Still, will go and see the golfer soon, and then the marine in march for a weekend. I have my excuse, I've applied to be an examiner - all the courses are on the weekend, haha. Clever me. And all the exams are too, mwahahaha. Still, hopefully I won't have to tell lies for too much longer.

You know, I keep looking round the house, and thinking, oh, I want to take that with me. It's peculiar. I honestly in my heart don't believe in possessions, but it's still keeping me nailed down, all this stuff. How odd.

Moving forward then, into the new year. It's very exciting actually, as I'm so utterly unlikely to still be here next christmas. But I will have to find a new courage to do it you know, it's been a long time x

End of the Year!

And what a year it's been! God when I think back to how miserable I was I honestly don't know how I didn't hurt myself. It's been so much better being an adulterous floozy, I can't tell you. Very empowering. And so much more sex than I've had perhaps ever before. Really, it can't be bad can it?

Well, the whole issue with the H has died a death - seems he really is quite happy never to have sex again. Well, I'm not.

I had such a lovely message from my new guy - he didn't say happy new year, he said Happy Our Year - cos that's what it's going to be. Wow. Maybe it will be. It's all a bit overwhelming, but he's now thinking of extending his stay in this country - I said, well, might be difficult for me to see you - he said okay, but I'll be nearer to you. How wonderful, it's ridiculous. But I have to say I have several friends who have met people online and are very happy, despite the ridiculous, we were living on different continents thing. Why shouldn't that be me??

Also sent a severely rude picture to my Canadian friend to cheer him up for new year - golly. I do like him so much. And heard from the golfer too - let me know when you want to visit. Well, yes I do - although I may have to give up all these other men for the marine you know. Oh, he's gorgeous - I must have done something so good in a previous life - or maybe it's just a reward for all my misery? Who knows - why not just enjoy it? Happy new year to all xxxx