Weekends!

Don't like weekends much at the moment. For one thing, I tend to be stuck at home - and on my own most of the time. And it tends to be the time we try to speak to each other - I say try, and I do mean try. Just tried to have a conversation now - it didn't go well. Anytime it doesn't go well, he tells me to shut up. You know, he's spent his whole life being somewhere else - now I wonder why we have nothing to say.

He says I nag - well, I am a little fed up with the not washing, the walking round the house eating food, the coughing, cos he won't give up smoking and so forth - and the lack of conversation, cos he's generally asleep - and of course, the no sex thing. Can't imagine why I'm pissed off. Now he's jealous of my students - dear god. I've had to listen to stuff about his work for thirty years, and apparently my job is boring so he can't listen to that.

Well, I said you won't have to listen too much longer, will you. Well I was annoyed. So he went to sleep and ignored me. He's asleep now. Well I suppose he knows nothing's changed - but why can't he have a conversation about it. We did the other week I guess, but he obviously didn't listen, did he? I don't want to live like this any longer - it's not good enough is it? Despite being together thirty years, he's still not willing to try is he? But then I guess I can't change him into someone else can I? Maybe it's just time. I suppose I'm really going to have to get things moving. How the hell do you start - and is he going to start being difficult now?

I'm also worrying about the golfer - not heard from him since friday - I replied to him and said I might be seeing someone else this week. Now I'm a bit worried he's annoyed with me. Hope not - maybe he's just busy. He did tell me I could tell him anything, so I took him at his word. I think I'm probably just over-analysing actually - will probably get something tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm feeling rather upset and vulnerable - god I wish it could all just be over sometimes. It's just too hard.