No Guilt!

I have a new motto - 'I don't do guilt!' I think it sums things up rather well, don't you? I just don't feel it - I know perhaps I should, but it's just not there. And I also feel, perhaps this is unreasonable though, that if he cared enough about me being his, he would have married me. I know perhaps after so long this is slightly irrelevant, but I've felt that more and more lately. After all, he managed it twice before - was I not good enough, or what? I suppose it also means that when we do go our seperate ways, it will all be a lot easier won't it? Or will it actually - not sure.

So in the spirit of not feeling guilty, I told the golfer I was meeting another guy this week - well, he did tell me I could tell him anything. He hasn't replied, but then I guess he's playing golf. But I really don't think I'd tell the bm about anyone else - it's a judgement call really, isn't it? Maybe I should be honest with everyone - except the oh of course! So I'm wondering what he will say - interesting. Also been clearing out cupboards today, and buying some new clothes - strangely I do feel like I am rediscovering my character. I was always a bit of a quirky dresser you know, and I feel that side of me coming out again - along with the self esteem soaring I guess. And I continue to lose weight! It's all good though, isn't it?

It's a strange wasteland at the weekend - cos my guys are all busy with their families, as perhaps I should be. But I rarely am. The oh is asleep in a chair having spent the lunchtime in the pub, and the youngest daughter is playing computer games I think. Maybe I need more than this in my life - and maybe I will have. I do think things are as they have to be at the moment - I would feel guilt messing my daughter around at an important time for her.

So, just a few days to go. I do hope it's as totally wonderful as it was before. And why shouldn't it be. I do feel an emotional connection with this guy, but I'm still trying desperately to play it cool as much as I can. After all, he wasn't looking for love was he? Dear me - will I survive? xx