Serious!

You know, I think I'm getting far too serious and philosophical in my posts. I definitely need to have more fun, don't I? And perhaps write about it in a little more detail, hmmm? I'm not sure it would come naturally to me, but I can always try, can't I? Would be nice to look back on in my dry spells too.

Well, I guess it's like being the other woman at times like easter; the only difference being that I have a family of my own. But I do miss the online flirting a lot - weekends are a bit tough, but I've been making a concerted effort to (a) finish my novel, and (b) give the oh some attention. So that does take up a bit of time, doesn't it? I'm also reading a psychology book about what attracts people to each other - field research if you like. What attracts me? Being clean for one - and a sense of humour is essential - other than that I'm not fussy, although generous attributes are most welcome (mmm golfer).

Maybe that's why I've been quite successful in finding men - I'm not that fussy? - or perhaps character actually is more important to me than looks? I think it's got to be as you get older though, hasn't it? Plus, I'm not meeting guys to show off to my mates, just to boff me senseless (which they have done very well so far). Madly, I am converted to meeting guys like this, which I never thought I would be - and talking to my friend, she is too, cos so many women at work have met someone like this. One girl she knows met a multi-millionaire - swears she wants him for his body though - why not? They're getting married and everything! Wow!

Well last day at work tomorrow, and next week, working with complete idiots, so looking forward to that immensely - summer's here! Should hear from himself tomorrow as well - let's hope so. I was toying with being unavailable just to mess with him, but I'm sure I'll crack, don't you think? Perhaps he'll have good news xxxx

Industry?

What a strange thing! Do you ever think that the universe moves in mysterious ways? Well I do! Such an odd conversation today - someone at work used to work as a private detective, tracking down unfaithful spouses. He used to zoom round on his motorbike and take photos and everything. Apparently it was very lucrative. Well, I was absolutely intrigued as you can imagine - and wondered how hard I would be to track - not too hard I guess. But what about my significant others - would their oh's track them? Oh, the paranoia!

Anyway, the next thing, someone pipes up - do you know there's a website where married people can arrange to have sex??? Well, yes I do actually, but of course, I didn't say that. It was all becoming very surreal now, and I was really struggling a bit, apart from the old 'really, wow' and all that. Thank god, they went off onto politicians and oranges and things then. Whew!!

It strikes me though, what a growth industry all this is. Apart from the detectives, which is surely only for the very rich, from what my friend says; there's the website, which must be raking it in; as well as hotels and things, and underwear sales and so forth, as well as condoms and sex toys! Wow, we're keeping the economy afloat. Which brings me to another point - which is, why the hell don't we have love hotels in this country - there is nowhere to go for a bit during the day at all is there. I guess you can pretend to stay overnight and bugger off. But we need something a bit cheaper please - can't someone sort this out - think of the money to be made???

And yes, I did hear from the bm last night, but he only managed to escape for a minute. Dammit, getting ticked off with this. It's been so loooooong as well! It'll be about two months at this rate you know - lucky I have the reserves on the bench isn't it? And it stops me having an attack of the clingys too, doesn't it?

I also have a mad new friend on another site - he's in a similar situation to me, aka no sex - we've taken to comparing notes - I think he's quite entertained by my antics, although he hasn't done anything yet. It's quite refreshing really - he keeps telling me things I should do and say to drive my guys mad - don't you love it? And he's hysterical - wouldn't mind you know, if just for the sense of humour. But he is a little way away, so maybe not so easy. I do like a man who makes me laugh (amongst other things, lol) xxx

Summer Time!

It's summer, the clocks have changed and boy have I come a long way since I got on the site last June. I was reading something today about how society keeps us from doing what we want, and makes us behave. Yes, that was definitely me! A large part of that was my upbringing you know - and that's quite hard to escape isn't it? Maybe the only way is a heavy dose of mid-life crisis??

So, a few messages for me today - the golfer is very happy with everything and can't wait till we meet up again - me too! Just a shame it's so long, really. Also, the sailor has plans for saunas and all sorts - hope so. He's so nice - he's still not too well - hope they sort it all out for him. And still waiting to hear from the bm. He's got daughters in residence, so I know it could be hard, but hope he may appear tonight. We'll see. Can't see him till after easter - he's taking everyone up to London, including herself I guess. Still, I need to see my family too - mustn't neglect everyone all the time you know.

You know, I was thinking today about how selfish people are these days. But I don't feel like I'm being selfish at all. I've actually spent a lifetime putting everyone else first (despite what the oh says now, I know he didn't!). So I deserve to put myself first a bit, don't I? And really I'm being so careful no one finds out. And what lovely men I've got - I know they won't drop me in it. I wonder if I can just stick things out as they are - would that be such a bad thing? Would I be selfish to leave at this point? He thinks so - was very nasty when I mentioned the possibility. But he finds it so hard to communicate. I think if I ever do go, I'll just have to walk out you know. Rational discussion is totally out of the question. God, how confused am I? I do think I need to stop thinking too much and just go with the flow - yes, that's the new plan. And in that light, I'm going to go and have a lovely soak in the bath - lush. xxxxx

I don't like Sundays!

Sundays - blah! Well, a week since the big row and all is fairly quiet at the moment. Which makes a nice change. I'm really going to have to find myself some things to do at the weekend, otherwise I'm going to be picking rows all the time to keep myself entertained! It is seriously beastly being at home and bored, and all my guys are with their families and other halves and stuff. No, I need a plan I think. Not like I'm having any sex or anything at home now is it? And the oh spends most of the day asleep now.

Maybe now the weather's warmer I should work at getting a bit fitter - go swimming and walking and all that. It certainly can't hurt and it raises morale a bit at the same time, doesn't it? I'm also going to make a concerted effort to finish my novel I started in November - I've been working in dribs and drabs, but I do need to get to it to get a bit more coherence I feel. And another thing is to really start tidying out all the junk in the house - especially clothes and books - honestly, you could drown under it all. Will make a lot of difference in the summer in the busy time if everything's a bit more organised too won't it?

Saw my oldest friend last night - lovely. We just know each other so well - even though we don't get together all that often. You know, I could seriously tell her everything, and it would go no further. Well, if I ever feel I have to tell someone. Maybe one day I will. She has a guy who I'm not sure she's all that happy with, but they seem to rub along reasonably well. We did talk about internet dating - a lot of people she knows have been really successful - some not, but there you go. She actually said she thinks it's a really good thing. I wonder if she goes on the site? Probably too busy really - her career is flying high - I'm so proud! Me and her actually did nothing at school - we've had to fight every step of the way - but a misspent youth does give you a certain wisdom I think, haha.

Well, will be looking out for the bm tonight - haven't spoken since before our overnight that never was. Let's see what he has to say, hmmm? It's going to be at least a couple of weeks till I see him though, and he's going away for easter - it's so hard not to feel jealous, but in all honesty, it's what I signed up for. I just so like spending time with him. Haven't heard from the dj either, but then that's not too unusual - wonder how he'll feel about me giving him a bit of a talking to? Maybe we'll see tonight. Got to go do some planning. See you tomorrow.xx

Rights and Wrongs?

I've been thinking about this whole business of infidelity and the rights and wrongs of it. I mean, yes, I do know that society as a whole views it in rather a dim light. But think about it, nearly half of all married couples in my part of the world are indulging in it! And it really is a whole different ball game, isn't it?

I was thinking about the time I spend with the golfer for instance. I don't mean anything by it, but I don't think we'd ever be a bona fide couple you know. But there's an honesty to it - just getting together and getting naked. None of society's rules seem to apply when you're naked do they - it's just the two of you - no outside influences at all. And actually that's a good thing isn't it? Think how curious people are about your relationship - it's terribly intrusive sometimes isn't it? I don't want to tell them what we get up to in private, thank you.

I also think I might get on very well in the sack with the dj; but we'd not really have much in common otherwise perhaps. He seems to have rather a different, sort of alternative type of friends. I don't feel that I'd really fit in. And all that stuff can be difficult, can't it? You know, thinking of the bm, does he stay with his lf because she acts the part so well, I wonder? That's an interesting thought, isn't it? I wonder how important all that is to him - well, there must be a reason, mustn't there. He did say he didn't like the pressure his friends put on him - you know, should I buy a hat, and all that. But in all honesty, I don't think he's the type of guy to be railroaded - and the crucial thing in this scenario is that, even if all their friends like them as a couple, his children do not!! There's the deal-breaker, right there, isn't it?

You know, I really feel a fundamental honesty in myself in what I'm doing. It's not like I'm doing anything I don't want to you know - and really, who am I hurting? Well, perhaps if he ever found out - but I'm doing my utmost to not have that happen. But if I'm completely honest, I do feel more like myself, my true self than I've felt for many many years. And you know, I'm not getting any younger. There's something wrong about wasting your best years sexually isn't there? And it does feel like I'm in my best years xxxx

Honesty?

Hi there -I'm actually feeling rather optimistic today - no damn good reason actually, but there we are, I may as well savour this strange thing while it's there. Well, I made it through yesterday which was not an easy day for me, but I guess it makes you stronger, doesn't it? And got such a lovely email today from my golfer - wow - talk about a rave report. Said he'd be happy to do a three hundred mile round trip if necessary to see me, cos I'm worth it - gosh, could turn a girl's head, couldn't it?

I was just waking up this morning and the local radio was on - and guess what the subject was - infidelity!!! Well, my specialist subject these days, I thought - and listened, pretending to be asleep just in case the oh made a comment. Interesting. Turns out that my county is the top statistically for playing away - wow - 44% are at it!! Well, I always thought a lot of people were, but my god, that's beyond my wildest dreams! So I guess most people are getting away with it too - which is good. What is it, though - something in the water - or do we have more than an average number of non-sexual spouses? I wonder - wouldn't you like to know more - I know I would. Fascinating. I wonder also if the counties with only 12% or whatever are just better liars!!

So, easter is fast approaching - and I guess another weekend with the family at home - which always pans out so well at the moment, doesn't it? But, the bm is definitely up for a meeting very soon - and will be seeing the golfer in June - lovely. I wonder if I will actually get together with the sailor too - would be nice, wouldn't it? I had a bit of a rant at the dj today, who is feeling very miserable - he's such a sweet guy though, with such a lot to offer, not least a great sense of humour, which really tickles me. I told him so as well. I don't honestly know if we'd hit it off, and I rather think not, but I still like talking to him a lot - and I told him I'd met someone, so not to give up, cos if I can... Wonder how he'll feel about that. Well, the golfer was cool. It's a whole different ball game isn't it, with no rules - but I'm thinking honesty is good, and we're all adults. If they can't handle it, tough. But I honestly play it differently with the bm - I feel I'm playing for higher stakes than a shagathon with him - and I really don't think I'm fooling myself you know. His reactions this week were quite genuine I think. And it's kind of different, he's not married or even living together, so it doesn't feel so illicit if anything.

Still, maybe I am fooling myself - if I am then it will sure be a comfort to know that other men find me attractive though, won't it. Wow, haven't things changed. You know, I remember on my birthday last year I cried for about two hours - an offhand remark by the oh, and the general lack of intimacy just sent me over the edge. I just can't imagine feeling like that any more. It may be a cliche, but I feel like myself again - it's good! xxx

Keeping busy

Well, I'm keeping busy and trying not to think about where I should be by rights, and what might be going on seeing as I'm not there, and all that other twisting your brain in knots stuff. I did talk to him last night, and he does sound severly pissed off - I really do think even more than I am - and that's a lot. Reckons he'll find it hard not to imagine me there - and how he won't enjoy it - hope not. And he's also very keen to meet up after easter, which is good - and can come to my town, which is a lot easier for me - can save up one of my nine lives, can't I?

You know, it is a strange business isn't it? I mean what are the chances that in this peculiar world that is the internet, you'd meet someone who you clicked with quite so completely? Dear oh dear. This is very bad - especially as me and the oh are trying to 'make a go of things'. Maybe I need to meet up with one of my other guys - it helped last time, didn't it?

Anyhow, I'm off to keep busy - what on earth am I going to do with myself - wish I'd bought that rabbit now, but would probably only serve to remind wouldn't it? Maybe I'll go try on my new undies -maybe the oh will like them - no, maybe not, haha xxx

He's Back!

The golfer has returned - actually he didn't go anywhere, just couldn't get on the computer due to unaccustomed attention from the oh! So glad to hear from him, and he had no problem at all with me seeing someone else as well - in fact he wants to see me again soon - wonderful - he really is rather gifted. I really needed some good news, so that was good.

Was also cheered immensely when I got a rather depressed message from the bm, who actually sounds more upset than me that tomorrow is off - which can't be a bad thing, can it. He wants to meet asap after easter as well, which is excellent news too. I said well, I've got all this underwear and nowhere to go - no one here is interested in seeing me in my undies. So at least I have several rather nice matching sets and some rather fetching stockings - delicious.

Another funny thing - it's been a funny old 24 hours actually, hasn't it? - got a drunken ramble from the dj - wonder where he'd been? Was rather sweet actually, so not really a problem at all. Then another one apologising for being a bit of a plonker. How nice. He says I can add him on facebook, but I really think that might be a bit dangerous, seeing as my kids are so often on there. We'll see - can still have a look.

So I'm working for a while, and hoping maybe the bm will put in an appearance. But I know he's busy, so maybe he won't - I still have work to do. Will be gritting my teeth tomorrow cos he's with someone else in my hotel room - grrrr. Best find something to keep me busy I think xxxx

Disaster!

Well, what a could week I'm having! Disaster has struck - well, I guess not disaster exactly, but it will certainly mean me not getting what I hoped I would this week! The bm has cancelled this week - dammit - seems the oh has decided to traipse along too. Well bugger! And after I'd bought all those undies and things too. Not fair is it - it's not as if my oh will appreciate them, is it? So I managed to be all fine with it and light hearted and so forth - but I'm actually pretty pissed off. What can I do, though? I guess with easter and everything it'll be some time now, won't it? May have to make contingency plans, haha.

Still not heard from the golfer - is he pissed at me or is he just busy or is the computer buggered? Will I ever know? Trying not to crack and send some sort of pathetic, I'm sorry I didn't mean it thing; but I may not last the week. But a good thing is I heard from the dj - well, that was a surprise, wasn't it? I still think he may have possibilities you know. And think of the street cred - although how much drum and bass one person can take, I don't know. Will message back and see what happens I think - well I was all up for meeting before, but he disappeared - won't make it easy for him, haha. So I'm going to do a bit of work, and maybe the bm will turn up for a chat - I may have to sit on my hands if I feel the evil witch S trying to find her way out.

Still a good thing is that I still have a day off this week, when I was supposed to be getting rogered senseless. The best thing is probably to give the oh some attention isn't it - store up some brownie points for the future. All is fairly quiet here at the moment on that front, with me frightened to even mention work or even to say stop picking your bloody nose. But no real improvement on the physical contact side - no surprises there I guess - maybe you're just not supposed to stay so long with one person? Well, I'm not now am I ?? xx

Talk, talk, talk!

Sick of talking - bloody talking. Me doing most of it. Stupid. Why are men so shit at actually talking to you. Yes, the blame thing - you said that, you did this. Hard work, and probably not worth the effort anyway.

So the upshot is, we're both going to try and get along (read, me) - and see if we can't carry on. Last chance I think. Mmmm - just not sure how I feel about that. You reckon he's going to start washing more and conversing - we'll see.

Still nothing from the golfer. Well, I'm rationalising that he is very busy - but I wonder if he really is cross with me. Maybe give it one more day - then I might crack and send a message. Not heard from the bm either - but he is usually tired on sundays and busy mondays. Lamb.

I went buying underwear today. That cheered me up. Got a lacy set (thong!) in coffee - and a little sleep set in leopard - lovely. Hope they fit well - got my usual size - just couldn't do it in this cold I'm afraid. I felt it was worth the effort after the you look good in your underwear comment.

You know, I am feeling a little bad about meeting him this week after the row - but I just can't bring myself not to go! I like this guy so much. Maybe things will work themselves out somehow. xx

Weekends!

Don't like weekends much at the moment. For one thing, I tend to be stuck at home - and on my own most of the time. And it tends to be the time we try to speak to each other - I say try, and I do mean try. Just tried to have a conversation now - it didn't go well. Anytime it doesn't go well, he tells me to shut up. You know, he's spent his whole life being somewhere else - now I wonder why we have nothing to say.

He says I nag - well, I am a little fed up with the not washing, the walking round the house eating food, the coughing, cos he won't give up smoking and so forth - and the lack of conversation, cos he's generally asleep - and of course, the no sex thing. Can't imagine why I'm pissed off. Now he's jealous of my students - dear god. I've had to listen to stuff about his work for thirty years, and apparently my job is boring so he can't listen to that.

Well, I said you won't have to listen too much longer, will you. Well I was annoyed. So he went to sleep and ignored me. He's asleep now. Well I suppose he knows nothing's changed - but why can't he have a conversation about it. We did the other week I guess, but he obviously didn't listen, did he? I don't want to live like this any longer - it's not good enough is it? Despite being together thirty years, he's still not willing to try is he? But then I guess I can't change him into someone else can I? Maybe it's just time. I suppose I'm really going to have to get things moving. How the hell do you start - and is he going to start being difficult now?

I'm also worrying about the golfer - not heard from him since friday - I replied to him and said I might be seeing someone else this week. Now I'm a bit worried he's annoyed with me. Hope not - maybe he's just busy. He did tell me I could tell him anything, so I took him at his word. I think I'm probably just over-analysing actually - will probably get something tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm feeling rather upset and vulnerable - god I wish it could all just be over sometimes. It's just too hard.

No Guilt!

I have a new motto - 'I don't do guilt!' I think it sums things up rather well, don't you? I just don't feel it - I know perhaps I should, but it's just not there. And I also feel, perhaps this is unreasonable though, that if he cared enough about me being his, he would have married me. I know perhaps after so long this is slightly irrelevant, but I've felt that more and more lately. After all, he managed it twice before - was I not good enough, or what? I suppose it also means that when we do go our seperate ways, it will all be a lot easier won't it? Or will it actually - not sure.

So in the spirit of not feeling guilty, I told the golfer I was meeting another guy this week - well, he did tell me I could tell him anything. He hasn't replied, but then I guess he's playing golf. But I really don't think I'd tell the bm about anyone else - it's a judgement call really, isn't it? Maybe I should be honest with everyone - except the oh of course! So I'm wondering what he will say - interesting. Also been clearing out cupboards today, and buying some new clothes - strangely I do feel like I am rediscovering my character. I was always a bit of a quirky dresser you know, and I feel that side of me coming out again - along with the self esteem soaring I guess. And I continue to lose weight! It's all good though, isn't it?

It's a strange wasteland at the weekend - cos my guys are all busy with their families, as perhaps I should be. But I rarely am. The oh is asleep in a chair having spent the lunchtime in the pub, and the youngest daughter is playing computer games I think. Maybe I need more than this in my life - and maybe I will have. I do think things are as they have to be at the moment - I would feel guilt messing my daughter around at an important time for her.

So, just a few days to go. I do hope it's as totally wonderful as it was before. And why shouldn't it be. I do feel an emotional connection with this guy, but I'm still trying desperately to play it cool as much as I can. After all, he wasn't looking for love was he? Dear me - will I survive? xx

Friday!

It's Friday, and I have a day off - isn't it fab? And I also have next Friday off, cos I'll be esconced in a hotel with the bm, yummmmm. Ain't life grand? Yes, we spoke last night, and I am such a cunning beast, cos I logged on after him - hence looking all busy and whatever - haha - but was having a conversation with my single friend with all the men - a bit cryptic, but I think she understands better than most what's going on with me - she's coming over in a couple of weeks - lovely!

Well, the upshot is, we're still on for next week. And then we got onto all sorts of things he wants to try - oooh - well, toys and things and this and that. Well, to be honest, I'm a bit in the dark about all this, and actually so is he apart from vibes, so I've got to do some research here. I said, hunni I'm just happy to be having sex again, and I'm sure not bored yet - and he's not either, but it would still be fun I think. I feel like I've been in a convent sometimes, but someone's just given me the key - mad!

So lots to look forward to this week - and today I'm off out with the oh so he gets some attention - probably not that sort of attention, but you know, time. And will do some things over the weekend as well - one day at a time remember. But only six to go - wow! xxx

Tired!

Feeling tired but strangely happy today. Went out with my friend last night to the opera - lovely. And also met her husband which was interesting. You will recall this is the only friend I have shared any of my marital woes with at all - and not all the naughty things I've been up to - and she identified very strongly with a lot of what I was going through. Well, my friend is the most lively, youthful woman, but her husband, well he's very nice, but boy is he old! I don't mean past it or anything, but not like she is at all. But they do seem to have a rapport you know - been married a similar life-sentence type length to myself. The house is also what I would think of as an old person's house too - you know the smell, the dark furniture, the feel. Is this what me and my oh look like to other people I wondered? You know, I almost feel I want to tell her what I've been up to so she might get up to some things herself. Best not though - anyway, I do think people have to make their own way really, don't they? But I do know she's thought about it....

And while I was out, the bm tried to get in touch - hurrah! Does them good to wait you know. I honestly believe that - I mean who wants to be the sad case with no life who waits by the phone anyway? Not me. So he messaged, and then obviously remembered - excellent job I think. Hope he might be around tonight - but might not wait all night. One week today xxxxxx

I'm just a little worried about the golfer - he hasn't been in touch at all - but I guess he's away, so maybe that's it. I hope he hasn't got an attack of conscience or something. And dear god, he has those photos - and actually I want to see them again. So, spending the weekend preening and pampering this week - and spending time with the oh so he doesn't feel neglected. Might go shopping to - hmmm what do I need?? xxx

Hurrah!

He's back, the lovely man, and the first thing he did was contact me! How nice - and I wasn't there, so he can't have realised just how much I was hanging over the computer waiting. Perfect. So nice to talk again. I have missed him you know, and maybe he missed me.

It's just so easy between us, is it too perfect - who knows? But I do genuinely love chatting with him - in person or online. I find myself thinking I must tell him things. God, this has got to stop, hasn't it. I really should be a bit more hard nosed - but is it possible for me to be like that? Interestingly, I don't feel at all the same about the golfer, or even the sailor - despite having slept with one of them, so it's not just that is it? No, this does feel like more - but there's no rush is there - got to be careful here or I'll be wounded beyond repair.

He's gone out tonight, and I'm out tomorrow, so can't talk for a few days - which is always a good idea, isn't it? It's all a game isn't it, haha! xxxx

It's been a lovely day, just beautiful and it feels just so good to be alive! Also had some major steps forward financially which was nice - yes, that's all still a constant struggle. But it feels like I'm winning the battle in so many ways now, which can't be bad, can it?

Well, got everything set up for next week - overnight, wow! Who'd have thought even six months ago?? And yes, I am hanging round the computer like a sad case as he's due home today - and I am a little bit anxious about it as you know. Strange, but it's been nearly two weeks since we spoke and I guess I need a little reassurance. And I'm also feeling a little neglected as nobody else has sent me any messages or anything :( Still, I guess I didn't really expect any, as the golfer is away, and the sailor's internet is messed up.

I've consigned the dj to the metaphorical dustbin I think - just too screwed up perhaps? And I'm actually off the site - took some doing though - but I can easily start it up again if I want to. Who knows, eh? It's actually quite nice not to be on there though - it's awfully like dating again - and has its' painful moments - I still haven't quite got over the two fat men who ditched me after they saw my photo - a bit rough I think you'll agree. Still, perhaps it was worth all the shit after all. Waiting hopefully .....

Irritated!

I'm feeling more than a little irritated with my oh today. And really, it is the usual rubbish it always is. Well he woke me up really early today, I guess wanting sex - but you know I'm not feeling quite so desperate as I did perhaps even a week ago, so just diving for the pants area is not quite enough I'm afraid - especially as I was actually really sound asleep. So I woke up irritated - good start to the day. Then of course, he gets to feel hard done by - but I told him, I'm not getting over this in a hurry you know. While I hate to be the one refusing, I still feel he's doing it to shut me up, and that's never good is it?

Then he forgot every bloody word I said to him yesterday. So we had this whole conversation - I'm going out on wednesday, then I'm off on a course next week, blah, blah. Well, this morning, it's what course, you never told me and so on. Why doesn't he listen to me? He did tell me I was boring not long ago, so I still feel bloody angry about that - but isn't it rude, just plain rude, not to listen to somebody talking to you? It's just getting too hard sometimes.

Of course I'm comparing him to some extent to my other guys now, and they actually like talking to me and remember what I said! Sometimes from weeks ago. But then, so do people I work with, it's not that bloody hard, and isn't that what relationships actually are, taking an interest? Thinking back though, I guess he's been like this for years actually, and I've buried my head in the sand to keep the peace. I've been neglected, haven't I? There's that, there's all the hours spent in the pub, and the lack of sex - but that's it, I've been neglected. Makes me feel really miserable sometimes. Now I know he's going to come home soon and fall asleep for hours as well - so even when he's here, he's not.

I've been wondering lately if he isn't ill in some way - he actually sleeps so long it just can't be right - that and the loss of libido and everything. You know, he told me he'd given up smoking, but it turns out he still is, at least two or three a day - hence the continual coughing and the lack of improvement in health that you might expect. Dear god, I feel like a bloody nurse sometimes, he's just so old and depressed all the time. And of course, that's why I feel so bad about wanting to go as well. If only things were more black and white.

On a happier note, the bm is back tomorrow. I actually feel rather anxious about this, as I'm wondering about his relationship with his ladyfriend - well, you know I found that a little hard to take anyway. What's been happening, has anything changed? Well, I guess I'll soon see - fingers crossed for me? xxxx

Best Friends?

I've been for such a lovely walk - it's just so wonderful living by the sea. I was sitting watching the water, and where the sun was hitting the waves it looked like little stars dancing in the sea - better than taking drugs - don't do that anymore! No, sex is so much better, haha.

And I had a long think about everything - no conclusions I'm afraid, other than to take life as it comes really. Rushing is never a good idea is it? But I have taken myself off the site - really cannot cope with any more meetings - it's just too stressful - and I do have enough men don't I? Maybe the doc will get back in touch - I think he's cross with me, cos I admitted talking to other men - well, I only hear from him maybe once a fortnight, and we've never met, what does he expect? No, three men is more than enough - the bm, and occasionally the sailor and the golfer. Nice balance I think. And all three fabulously sexy and gorgeous - lucky me.

You know, I had a strange thought today - the one person I would really like to share this with is the one person I really can't. Cos actually, that's what we've become - best friends. And that's not a bad thing I suppose, but is it enough? You know, a couple of times I have nearly said something - got to be careful! I don't actually think I would unless I was very drunk - which I don't do anyway.

So the bm is back on Monday - will be so nice to hear from him, and it actually didn't seem as long as I thought it would. And I'm seeing him in about ten days - and overnight - hope I don't snore (yes, I do sometimes). Well, can't help it if I do - and if he likes me enough he'll find it adorable - yes, okay I know. I'm a little bit anxious what he'll say when he gets back - and honestly I kind of hope he had a horrible time with her - if he had a really brilliant time and they've decided something, then I think I have to get out. I actually don't think I could cope with that. Still carrying that torch I guess - back to what I said before - take it as it comes. xxxx

Spring!

Well, hello - and what a beautiful day - I really feel very spring-like today. I've had a couple of days of which have been just lovely, and I'm also feeling very pleased with myself that everything seems to be panning out so very beautifully.

I had such a nice email from the golfer - well that little arrangement worked out very well didn't it? We won't be meeting often, but that's just fine - and safer that way of course. But wow, I may need a fairly long recovery time from that I feel!! It was just awesome - haven't had sex like that in years - actually, did I ever? Good question.

And I've managed not to moon too much over the bm being away, which I was in real danger of doing. He's back in just a few days, and got our overnight planned for a few days after that - excuse in the pipeline. And will more than likely meet up with the sailor over the next couple of months. You know, I think that's enough men to be going on with - any more might be a bit greedy, don't you think? So, I think I may seriously try to get myself off the site - it's not easy, you know! And of course, I have to think about being safe and not getting found out. Safety wise, I like all three, and feel very safe with them - and I think I've had enough nervous first meetings to keep me going for a while. And really, the only one I can see with any real regularity is the bm, and as he's my favourite, that's ok. So the risks are not too great - not too many patterns being set I feel.

In all honesty, I feel I've been pushing my luck a little, so I'm working on a really creative excuse for being away soon - and I think I've got to make it watertight. Don't worry, it'll be fine - and worth it for him I think. But I do feel I need to lay low for a while - and spend some quality time as well perhaps. Well, been doing a bit of that today. Was nice, actually. I'm feeling a little less urgent about escaping at the moment - amazing what a bit of sex and sunshine can do isn't it? Just a shame the sex wasn't with my oh, I suppose. Well, a few days of laying low coming up, and building up my excuse for the overnighter - yes, I can do it. xxxx

So Tired!

I'm so tired - I've had such a lovely day!! Well, I told the family I was going to work, and would be back late, and so on. What did I really do? Well, I went to meet the golfer - changing into heels and stockings etc on the way - which was not such a great idea as it was freezing - but boy was it appreciated! And I've had such a lovely naughty day. I'm really a bit tired and achy now - serves me right I guess. Worth it though.

You know, I think I was definitely right about guys who are not so handsome - boy is this one good? Yes! You know, I thought I had a decent enough sex life a few years ago - well was I wrong? Both the guys I've slept with have made me come over and over - just fantastic - don't remember that way back when. Maybe it's me - maybe it's because they're older and wiser - don't care, I love it!! And I've gone and got away with it again.

I suppose the prevailing wisdom is that I'll get caught sooner or later, but I'm not sure that's necessarily true - I guess the odds get shorter, but you've just got to be smart and cover all your bases don't you - oh, and don't push your luck too much! Definitely feel a lot better about the bm being away - maybe I'm just too blissed out to care. My goodness. We took some photos too - my goodness, never done that before - is it wise? But I do look pretty damn hot in them, to my surprise - and he's got as much to lose as me, so I think I'm safe. He's going to send them - not posting them, so don't even ask!!! Wow, what fun xxx

Tomorrow!

Well, a lovely day of naughtiness tomorrow. I'm supposedly working, but I'm not - and I'll be back late! So a looooong day of naughtiness as well. And if all goes well, back for seconds at the weekend - even longer perhaps? So, I'm all waxed and trimmed and so forth - a nice long bath tonight, and off we go.

I've actually had quite a nice day with the oh - we went out walking and stopped at a pub for lunch. He did make rather a perfunctory attempt at something this morning - but I'm afraid I'm not so desperate now, and reaching straight for my crutch really doesn't hit the mark. If only I didn't feel quite so responsible for him, I'd probably just walk straight out - and my dd is here still, so have to think of that. Still, I think I'm approaching breaking point - there comes a time you know when you have to put yourself first I think. But I don't find it very easy, I must say. Hanging in there at the moment.

Still counting the days till the bm gets back, but hoping for some wonderful distraction tomorrow. You know, I read something about guys who are not so good looking trying harder in bed - so am now feeling very optimistic - cos he's not really a looker as I've said before. But he's so nice, and we get on - so why the hell not?? And he's promised such a lot! I think this could be a really great arrangement - twice a year - and no strings. Love it. And the timing is nice to stop me getting too obsessed and bunny boilerish about bm. Should be fun - wish me luck - a full report tomorrow. Boy, the genie is really out the bag, isn't it? xx

The Genie is Out?

You know, I read something very interesting today that really struck a chord. It was one of those smutty memoir type books - rather good actually - but she said, once she started having sex with lots of men, it was as if the genie was out of the bottle and she couldn't get it back in. That's true I think. I mean, I haven't been that bad, or for too long, but I sure don't want to go back to being good, being miserable and being frustrated. No thanks. I can see how addictive all this is. But I also feel that I really would have been happy to have been faithful if he had made any sort of an effort. Yes, we had a couple of days of being nice, and one extremely quick fuck - but that's not really enough, is it. Yes, that genie's out now - I've had a taste of the apple - naughty old me. But really, wouldn't most people have cracked years ago - certainly most men - just the old good girl programming held me back I think.

Well, today, in pursuit of the general all over improvement plan I went to the library and got some books. I got make up, dressing well, men are from mars and so on and so forth. I also got my hair done and went to top up the tan a little. Now, I know the sun is shining and so forth, but I'm sure it's not my imagination - I was getting the eye a lot more than usual. Whether this is because of the hair or whatever, or the new confidence perhaps, I don't know. And that's really the crux of it isn't it - my confidence is growing by the day - and that's a good thing. You know, I talked to my friend who split with her boyfriend not long ago (partly thanks to me) - and she now has several on the go - she finds it very empowering. Yes, it is! And it feels damned good.

You know, I may go on a visit to see her - but with the businessman. She lives somewhere he goes on business quite often - in fact in a couple of weeks, he's going. But you know, I could absolutely trust her - still wouldn't be too happy about telling anyone anything, but I may just have to. Cross that bridge later, I think. In the meantime, I'm having a quiet day, and will do some pampering tonight I think. Got a lovely few weeks planned, so need to look my best xxxx

Well done me!!

Feeling very pleased with myself today. Last time for a couple of weeks I have to work with the beastly cow who tried to stab me in the back the other day - excellent. Don't even have to see her. Fine with me. And a few days off too - well, I do need it you know. Got to recharge the batteries a bit.

And the best thing I've done is have a really lovely conversation with the businessman - he's gone today :( but I played it just perfectly. You know, I thought hard about it, and I thought the last thing he needs is some desperate bunny boiler - I need to do what I do best - and be fun! So I was - well, I was so good, he's booked a room for us for when he comes back - that's what I call a result. And we made some really rather naughty plans. And I'll need to go shopping. Hahaha - he won't be forgetting me in a hurry - I wonder how things will go with the ladyfriend now I've planted those particular seeds. I was so pleased and excited I could hardly sleep after. My goodness. I guess this is all a game really isn't it? I wish sometimes I'd known at 17 what I know now - and you know, it's really all about looking after yourself - common sense I think. Glad I taught my girls all I know!

Also, am meeting the golfer in the week for a day of naughtiness, as you know. Golly, got a terrifically smutty message from him today - quite bracing! And the dj was in touch - can't make it tomorrow - just as well, cos I may have had to hitchhike to get there! But would like to meet soon. Yes, I think so. What a lovely time I'm having, and all I had to do was to abandon all that moral nonsense I was brought up on about being a good girl. No, I've had enough of that - this is more fun. xxx

Holiday!!

How lovely - I have a few days off - and I'm going to be getting up to mischief too - what could be better?? You know, I spent the day feeling really bad about the businessman going off with his ladyfriend, but then I got to thinking well, you've only been on the scene a short time you know - and I guess this was planned ages ago - what with visas and all. I can't expect to change his life after one night I suppose - all I can hope for is that they have not such a good time together, I suppose. I don't know if I could cope if he came back and said they'd decided to move in together or something - that's a bit of a different ball game isn't it? And not fair on anyone I feel. Hmmm - will have to pray for patience here I think - and hope I made a lasting impression - which actually I think I did in all fairness. And don't forget the reason he was out looking was that she was 'lacking in the bedroom department' - well, no one can accuse me of that! But at the same time, I hardly know him really, no idea what makes him tick at all. What is he looking for? Who knows? Well, not much I can do except wait I think.

The other thing is that having a few days off means the meeting with the golfer is on - lovely - not the real thing perhaps, but will be great fun I think - and could be part of the cure for the other thing. And I'm looking really good - been tanning and lost weight (yes - how??) and so on and so forth. Not bad, if I say so myself. And such a self esteem builder - that and the men, haha!

Heard also from the dj - he's so fed up, it's a shame. Hope to meet him at the weekend if he can make it. That would send my street cred soaring, wouldn't it? I've not a clue about dj's and all that - they just used to put records on and read requests in my day - god, sounding old there! But it's all a good steep learning curve isn't it? Maybe we'll get on too? It'll be a nice day out if nothing else, won't it? xxx

Be Strong!

Well, I was contacted today by the lovely businessman - but I'm now feeling a little bit down, cos I found out he's taking his ladyfriend away with him on his trip. Dammit. Was a bit of a shock to feel quite so jealous - but then I am meeting another guy next week, so that might make me feel a little better, mightn't it. Don't worry, I didn't lose it and get ridiculous - lucky it was on messenger really, wasn't it? But you know, this is what I signed up for, we're all adults and all that, but I guess I've just been out of the game for a long time. Never mind - will be tanned and hyper-gorgeous when he returns. Just hope the sex doesn't improve while they're away, hmmm? God, it seems just so long till I'll see him, but I'm sure I'm doing the right thing keeping myself otherwise engaged, don't you?

I am also a little worried about the dj - remember I'm supposed to be meeting him this week? He hasn't been in touch at all - wonder if I've blown it there, or what?? Who knows?? Never mind, how many men do I need actually? And I am definitely meeting the golfer for a whole day of naughtiness when I should be at work - wonderful, and probably just what I need right now. Should be fun, and I like talking to him. And we may get another day too if all goes well - just what the doctor ordered I think. I do feel a little fragile though - I wonder if I'm really tough enough for all this. Will go and have a nice bath I think xxxx

Pampering!

What a lovely day, and I have been out pampering myself and thoroughly enjoying doing so! And with the aim of looking fabulous naked, I had my first sunbed session - should look amazing in a couple of weeks I think. And isn't it nice actually that I've been told I look good anyway - and that's in february when I feel like a dishrag most of the time!

Also had a good day at work - feel like I'm back in my stride again which is nice. You know, I sometimes do have to remind myself that I'm actually rather good at this - all part of the self-esteem issue I know - well, we know what's helping with that, don't we?

Two messages when I returned - yes!! - the businessman is back - his dd came home unexpectedly, and made it all rather difficult to get online - especially to me I guess. He's going to try for a chat tonight. Yummmmmy. Also a quick message from the golfer - I'm trying to get some extra naughty time next week - I think it may all work out rather well - gosh. But not heard from the dj about saturday - a little odd, but we'll see hmmm?

I think some attention to nails and bod tonight - and may even do the hair colour as well. Well, bugger saving it for special occasions any more - I have a lot on! Not that it was ever noticed here anyway. Well, it's being noticed now xxx

Hurrah, it's March!

I can't tell you how much more optimistic I feel today - partly it's the weather I guess, partly it's that february is finally over, partly it's cos I seem to be on top of my situations - feels very good, I can tell you. Work has settled down I think - I hope - at least everyone was going out of their way to be pleasant today - and things went very well in lessons too. Hope there won't be a problem I don't know about! We shall see!!

So, talking to the sailor today - what a smutfest that was - just lovely. He still thinks that it may be really hard for us to meet up - but I don't feel so desperate about that as I did before, for obvious reasons - I do like him so much though - it would be a shame if it never happened really, wouldn't it? And as I'm meeting up with the golfer next week, we've been talking too - he has plans - oooh - and rather nice ones too. I think this could fit in rather well you know - he seriously thinks we'll only meet up perhaps twice a year, but I think that's rather perfect - especially as I have other irons in the fire as it were. Now, I know I'm not going to fall for this guy, but that's fine - and not what he wants either - but I do think we could have a lot of fun - and he does sound like he knows what he's doing.

You know, a rather strange discussion with my daughter at the weekend - she now has an older boyfriend - and well, has found it rather a good thing shall we say. I'm impressed so far by the superior skills shown by the older man, I have to say. And I say this as someone who honestly thought she might be better off with a toyboy at first. No, I think that would have been a mistake - who wants to do things on the cheap anyway? I said a couple of things that she could easily have gone off and thought about - and come to a conclusion! But you know, I'm not worried - I know she'd never rat me out even if she did know. But interesting that we share that particular opinion??

So, I now have some work to do - and I'm trying also not to get too cranky if the businessman doesn't call tonight. Dear me, I've got it bad you know - the only known cure is other men!! But then, if you look at it another way, could be seeing him in only a couple of weeks with luck - hope so - but I do fear his other dd may be around and make things tricky - let him worry about that though - I'm playing it cool! (yeah - good luck with that - I know) xxxx