Bye, February!

Last day of february - what a month it's been. Looking back I'm not sure how I survived it honestly. It's been real highs and real horrible lows all the way. And both at work and at play - in the home and out of it - just too much really.

But you know something - I don't honestly think I've felt this alive in years. Yes, my relationship is still crap, as is my financial situation - but I'm looking forward to things and I feel happy inside a lot of the time - secretly, I grant you - but there it is. I'm looking after myself a lot more - cos I feel I have a reason to - and the biggest gain really has been in my self esteem. Now shouldn't that be more because of who you are, your professional standing and so forth? But no, mine has zoomed upwards because men still want to sleep with me - a lot. How wonderful. But I think I've taken such a knocking over the years because the oh didn't that it's come as a huge surprise really.

Work is going quiet for a couple of weeks, which may just coincide nicely with the golfer's wife taking off for a few days. If not, we'll just do the saturday, when he can do me. And my goodness, the things he wants to do to me - it's cheered me up immensely, I can tell you. Still a bit pissed off I won't see the businessman for a while - but we may be able to speak a lot more from today as his daughter is off on a trip - so he'll be home alone a lot. I must meditate and learn patience - in the meantime, I'll have other men, thank you.

I haven't heard from my dj, but I think he has a big event this week - so I didn't really expect to. I wonder if he's famous or something - I wouldn't know if he was to be honest - not really my thing - but then I do like music, so I guess we can connect about that if nothing else. Looking forward to meeting him actually - and I like where we're meeting - he doesn't sound like he'll be boring!

So, I'm spending the day doing boring things, and planning for the week - got to do well at work this week after my confidence took such a knock last week - bitch. Why are people like that - jealousy has been mentioned - hmmm - I wonder - if so, what a nice little self esteem boost actually??

So bye february, it's been .....interesting!!

Good!

Well, all is calm here today, after a real rollercoaster of a week. Having ground my work colleague into the dust (haha) I'm still feeling pretty good. I'll be very interested to hear the reactions of a certain close friend of mine who works there as well - one of my biggest fans actually - and no bullshitter either.

Oh is still behaving so much better, I'm wondering if I should relent - maybe as I say, I'll just continue to take one day at a time though - I just don't know. It all just seems unbearable sometimes, and then it seems okay. God. We had a nice day out today - but he is sometimes unbelievably rude to me - and normally it's because of his bloody hearing, which he refuses to do anything about. I do get fed up with living with such a grumpy old bugger sometimes - but I know he's trying to make an effort. But does he actually think everything's okay again?

You know, I was wondering - am I having a mid-life crisis? And if I am, is everyone else I have met on the site as well? And actually, what is a mid-life crisis? Is it when you come to your senses and think, hey, enough of this bullshit, I could be dead soon? I guess if I was to tell everyone what was going on, they would think I had definitely lost the plot (and don't forget, I could have been committed not long ago). But I have to say, inside I just feel like I am finally being true to myself. I mean, I have thought about having affairs for a very long time - and probably would have done given half a chance. But it might have been a real mess if I hadn't arranged it all so well, mightn't it? I suppose if you watch soaps you tend to think that all affairs are discovered - but actually, is that true? Why should it be, if you're smart - and I am. Best thing, of course, is this little advantage I have always had in life - I look innocent. My god, I have got away with murder in the past thanks to that. Really. And not just in the sexual arena either. It certainly gives you an edge you know. Funny thing is, my oh is exactly the opposite - he looks like a criminal - so he's always got searched at airports and things - arrested for no reason - you name it. Hahaha!!!

So, the plan at the moment is to meet up with the dj for lunch next saturday, and then go to see the golfer the following week. Then, the lovely businessman returns, so should be able to see him soon after. And, I'm hoping to go to the opera that week too - oooh, cultural. Opera's great actually, cos anyone who commits adultery always dies horribly - haha!! Maybe I should be in an opera - what would I call it, hmmm?

Got a few easy weeks at work as well, so may well be able to fit in some extra-curricular as well. And I do feel I need it after this week. Dear me. I've got a beastly mouth ulcer because of the stress. Attractive. Still, I feel a pampering bath coming on - and perhaps the purchase of some gorgeous underwear - yes, absolutely. xxxx

On Top!!

Hi there. Yes, I'm feeling so much better today! Yesterday was just so much bullshit and lying by a colleague, and I've come out of it smelling of roses and looking absolutely professional - while she's come out of it looking like a backstabbing bitch. Well, everyone refuses to condemn, but you can't can you? It's not on to tell total lies about someone is it? But boy, was she surprised when I went straight to the boss to sort it out. Well, that won't be happening again, I can tell you. But I don't think I would have taken it to heart quite so much any other week - and yes, things have been said before - but no more!! I am woman, hear me roar!!

Quite nice also that my daughter had a similarly shitty colleague - who she just got sacked this week - are we scary women or what?? Still, nice to come out on top, isn't it - I was just sooooo pissed off last night, I was even thinking of changing jobs - which I guess was the idea wasn't it?

Anyway, talked to the businessman last night - we're still fine - a long time to wait though, it seems. He's such a good dad, but that won't keep him warm at night will it - and neither does the significant other it seems. Got to bide my time there and take it easy. Meanwhile, several other irons in the fire - and maybe a couple of meetings next week - hope so, will take the edge off a bit. Also, a bit less work on for a couple of weeks, which is kind of nice. Can re-charge the batteries a little before the summer. And summer is going to be so great this year - lots of men to meet up with - and dear god, it'll be warm. Can't wait. You know, I remember last spring, I seem to get a bit of a hormonal surge or something, and feel really up for it - well, this year it may actually get put to good use mightn't it?? xxxx

Another kick in the teeth!

Oh my what a tough day - feeling a bit battered really. Do you think that somehow when your life's really particularly tough you have maybe a metaphorical sign on your back saying, hey please kick me again, it'll be good for me?? Well, as you know after the talk with the oh, I'm feeling a little fragile, and then a rather tearful chat with a colleague (love her). So then, two major hatchet jobs today - both assaults on either my personality or my professionalism, and both behind my back and reported by others - which makes it even worse, doesn't it? My back feels utterly punctured, I can tell you.

So, I wonder, is it like the vultures gathering or what? So that's three things in less than a week that should send me to the funny farm shouldn't they? And would to a lot of people I'm sure. Maybe I should cry at work - some people do - but I do have my pride you know. And I'm sure my colleague (the one with the damp shoulder) will have something to say to the knife wielders you know. Still, trying to look on the bright side - if it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger and all that.

Nice message waiting when I got home from the golfer - just what I needed - lots of nice things. And a text from the sailor - he's still not well, and I'm getting a little concerned now. But he tells me he keeps going to the doctor, so I guess it'll be okay. My best guy was busy last night, but emailed to say sorry - maybe he'll be about tonight. It's going to be a long wait till I see him again. And I wonder just what his long term agenda is - does he know? I'll bet he does. I wish I could suss it out though. I think lashings of patience are needed here - who knows? Men are a constant surprise aren't they? Hope tomorrow is better, or will I be back with another knife wound tomorrow? xx

One day at a time...

Another strangely good day - weird - given up all pretenses now to my self of being good or moral or any of those boring things, and it feels strangely empowering. Nice. Had some sex this morning with the oh - I guess he thinks I'll come round or something. Well, it was nice enough, but over way to soon and frankly a little of an anticlimax. But I just feel now, hey, I'll get it where I can. I still feel very good at having cleared the air - but also a teeny bit guilty I suppose - but I want to just make me happy now, and sod the consequences really. I've thought about everybody else first for a very long time now. If I'm smart, I can do exactly as I want - and why not?

Talked to my businessman last night - golly - he's a bit ticked off we can't meet for a while, but said he has some lovely images to keep him going. Wow, is he real? Bless - well actually I have too. It was quite a magical evening really, but honestly can't wait to meet up again. And it'll all be a little bit easier too - although I shan't ever forget the adrenalin rush the first time he kissed me with his hands up my shirt. Oh my. After this week it should be a lot easier to talk though, as his daughter is going on holiday - he's a real softy with his kids, which I like personally. But they don't give him a minute when they're there. Could be difficult there, couldn't it? Obviously rather protective of their dad - but also they really dislike the present ladyfriend. So they can't be all bad, can they?

A nice message from my golfer today - how nice to have such a non-judgemental friend - he said I can tell him anything I want and it's fine - he knows things are a bit odd at the moment. Very sweet. He doesn't seem the jealous type, but I don't think I'll try that on for size just yet. And no message from my dj either - hope he's ok, he's having such a hard time. Still, nice to know I'll be meeting up with all three of them within the month, isn't it? And I also have a night at the opera to look forward to - very cultural! Get me!

I'm quite enjoying the oh being nice to me though for a change. It's a bit odd though - when he'd usually be bored, or say something beastly, he's asking about stuff - a bit unnerving actually. And he's been doing a few chores and things. And I think he's been washing a little bit more often too - yes I complained about the soap dodging too.

Next plan is a little bit of pampering before the next meetings - some sunbed sessions I think - nail treatments - hair colour, and so on. I may even go shopping - now, what shall I buy, let me think - underwear??? xxx

Calm

Today has been much calmer - and I feel strangely good for having aired all my grievances - maybe I am just totally selfish, don't know. But my oh has suddenly gone all caring and stuff which I suppose is a good thing - shame I'm not appreciating it though - it would have gone a long way a year ago, believe me. I just feel now that I should take one day at a time and let the future take care of itself to some extent. I mean, we aren't going to sell the house in five minutes are we? I don't know, maybe things might improve between us - doubt it though - and honestly, in my head, I'm gone. But at least things haven't turned unpleasant - which I feared they might. I'm talking to one close friend about what's happening - she's in such a similar place it's ridiculous - which is very nice actually - haven't told her about my other guy though. There is a limit you know!

Talked to him last night - he really is wonderful - and looking forward to 'getting together' again. Can't wait. He is always anxious to talk - and we have very amusing conversations as well. How would I feel if I didn't have him - would I have had the nerve to say what I did? Good question. My golfing guy said he was pleased I seemed to be getting the confidence to do what I want! Wow - how true is that? You know, in many ways I wish I'd set off on this path years ago - I really don't see that I'm doing any harm to anyone - especially if I'm as careful as I have been. Just think, I could have been having loads or wonderful sex for all these years it's been so meanly rationed. How depressing. Never mind, I just have some catching up to do, don't I?

I'm just slightly worried the oh may think that having sex might solve all our problems - he knows it's a big issue for me. I can't understand really why he didn't think it was strange I'd stopped complaining - well I told him last night I'd given up on it, cos I was fed up with the rejection, which is partly true I suppose. I guess it would be nice to have sex, but I'm not sure I'll ever feel the same again with him - it's just gone too far now. God, what a tangle! Maybe I should move into the spare bedroom. xxx

Meltdown!

Omg, what a terrible day. And night. Had a truly ghastly heart to heart with my other half. I was absolutely honest, and told him I wanted to split. He didn't take it too badly considering. The plan, such as it is, is to sell the house and split the profits. It's the fairest thing I think. A very upsetting business all round, but I do feel a lot better, madly, for having got a lot off my chest. I have been extremely miserable for a long long time you know. And he's the person who's supposed to care about me and didn't even notice. Ho hum.

So, a couple of emails from the guy I'm meeting next week - who had a similar day to me actually. And the other guy I met the other week. And that really helps - at least I get some attention from them you know. Going to meet up saturday week with the new guy - should be nice even if there's no spark. And going to see the other guy soon - date not fixed yet. Well won't this all be so much easier if I am living on my own one day. What a thought. Quite intoxicating actually.

Not yet heard from the businessman, who was supposed to be on last night! But I'm watching out for him tonight. I don't know whether to tell him what's happened - perhaps not - don't want to put pressure on this soon eh? But I do hope he's about, I need cheering up a bit - although I still feel it's the right thing to do. Not easy, is it? xxx

Good Weekend!

I've had a great weekend, which was actually rather unexpected. I have had a couple of dark moments I guess, but I'm not unused to that. I actually thought the oh might initiate some sex this morning, but sadly it was not to be. Other than that I have been having some thoughts about the future and where I want to be in, say a year. I think not here. And suffering this horrible emotional rollercoaster all the time - no - I think I deserve better than that. But exactly what I want, well, I'm not too sure about that yet. In the meantime, I think I'll just sit back and see how things pan out. And in reality, I think I'm going to have to stick it out for a while as dd has no intention of leaving home just yet - which I was actually a little surprised at. But I guess that could change in the blink of an eye, couldn't it?

So, I re-read the rules, which seemed like a good idea as I'm getting so pathetically hung up on this guy. And the bit that helped me a lot was, that you don't owe him explanations and stuff until he loves you - until then you're just dating. True. So, in the spirit of getting on with my life, I've almost arranged to meet another guy next week, and am going to visit another in the next few weeks. I was wondering if I should blow them out actually, but you know, they're so nice and I don't want to. And according to the rules, why should I?? No, I need to keep my head screwed on here, don't you think?

But, pathetically, I am here waiting for him to come online as he promised. And I also know that I would blow them all out if he asked me to - but then he doesn't know there's anyone else, does he? But I have come off the site - well, I've asked them to take me off anyway - I just feel that's enough for now. If this all doesn't work out I could go back couldn't I?

Actually also had a lovely night last night listening to my friend's band - yes, I went on my own. It was a lovely evening and nice to hang out with some new people. I need more of that in my life - I've definitely been working too much and not having enough fun. Trouble is, everytime I think about that, you know who I want to be having all this fun with don't you - and it's not my other half. xxx

Dammit!!

Well, I have had a rather nice day, and have a couple more things planned for this evening. So it's all good! Went shopping with the oh, and we decided to have a bit of an adventure and went to a town near us we don't know all that well. And had a lovely time. It still makes me a bit cross we can get on so well otherwise, just not in bed - why is that?? And it was an absolutely gorgeous day - if a bit cold. I did one of my favourite things - which is mooching around a market looking for food I can cook. Enjoyed that a lot. And had a delicious nap this afternoon, then watched 'Brief Encounter'. Not the ending I would have liked though, lol.

But.....had a message from the businessman. Can't make the meeting - got too many meetings apparently - shame. Nice he let me know I suppose - will chat tomorrow I think. I do hope we don't have too many long gaps like this you know - but he does have a trip to go on, so needs must. And absence makes the heart grow fonder I guess. You know, it's weird but everything we did together is still vivid as hell in my mind - and really it's not healthy to be thinking about it this much is it? - but I can only hope he feels the same as well. I suppose that's what happens when you do without for so long, perhaps?

Have also fixed up some other meetings - I may well meet this alternative guy for a coffee I think - I like him, he's very interesting company. And I may well have a day out and see the other chap as well - although probably not for coffee, lol. Might be a good way to get my mind off the businessman - I could turn into a stalker at this rate otherwise. And who gives a toss about being faithful - not me - omg, the flood gates are opening, aren't they? xxx

Better today!

Well, I'm feeling so much better today - had a nicer day at work and all - and of course it is the weekend, which is always good - don't have to teach anybody anything for a couple of days. Phew! And I've got some nice things planned for the weekend - better that than mooning about thinking about men isn't it?

I spoke to my favourite guy last night - everything just seems to be going so well - I'm just really trying to take one day at a time and not second guess everything too much, but it's very hard. I really get the impression he's feeling quite similar to me, but also trying to be cool - and the wonderful thing is he wants to see me really much sooner than he said. Which can't be bad, can it? I also continue to lose weight, not really through anything other than emotional turmoil. But I'm determined to look my best - so will spend some time on that this weekend. Although, as I've said, he's a pretty appreciative audience anyhow.

However, maybe it's not good to analyse things too much. We have great chemistry, we like each other and we get on great - perhaps it'll turn into something more, perhaps not - but my goodness we do have fun together - and that's something I haven't had a lot of for a long time. When we chat on the computer it's very light and fun - and I think it's best to stay that way. Really, I'm taking my lead from him. It's the best way. xxxx

Quiet

It's been one of those 'get through it' type of days for me - just didn't want to be bothered today. I'm just a bit fed up with the cold and the hassle and the bitching. Also I think I'm coming to terms with just how little I'm going to see of this guy - which is quite hard actually. Not heard from him tonight, though he may appear yet - we'll see. He is a busy guy and does have to go to a lot of things - I understand that, but I guess I've just come down off the high a bit, and the reality is going to be that I'm taking about fifteenth place in his life. Tough. But the same thing the other way I suppose isn't it? He did say something about things being balanced with someone like me - so he wouldn't actually want someone who was single and available. Which I can understand. It's hard though.

Spoke to the sailor - feeling a bit better, but things aren't going too well in his business and he's been wondering about selling the boat. Oh dear - would be nowhere for us to meet then! I guess he's thought about that though. Maybe me and him are always just going to be text buddies - who knows? Also heard from the chap I met saturday. He's actually been rather guarded since we met - whereas before he was quite naughty - I suppose it changes things when you meet though, doesn't it? He's sweet though - they both are - I'm really quite lucky.

Anyhow, tomorrow is friday, which is always good. Mind you, I'm finding the weekends are actually quite tough for me in a way, cos my guys are always with their families aren't they? And I'm not so keen on mine. God, I'm on a big downer tonight, I think I'll sign off and go and have a nice bath. xx

What a ghastly day!

Well, it hasn't been good today - work was very difficult for various reasons - even the journey today was a bit of a pain. Mostly because of people deciding to throw their weight around and make life hard for other people. And why do people seem to think they should always get their own way these days and sod everyone else? I don't really get it - but I do find it a bit of a pain. Who said hell is other people - well, he was bloody well right wasn't he?

You know, it's been a bit odd today. And I'm not sure if this is just guilt or paranoia or something, but the oh has been being extremely nice to me. I wonder if my friend said something - did have a bit of a moment at her place on valentine's day - and deservedly so - cos I get very little attention these days, and sometimes wonder if he notices I'm here at all. Except of course when I'm interrupting his viewing. I suppose it's nice that he's trying a bit, but I can't help thinking this horse may have already bolted - at least in my mind you know? I guess you can't undo years of neglect in five minutes though, can you?

Two messages tonight - the lovely sailor - still feeling poorly, but a bit more cheerful. And my lovely man - he's gone to the cinema, but sent a quick message to see if I was ok. Nice he's thinking about me, isn't it? Maybe my men have dwindled down to just these two - and if so, that's actually fine. I really think I may take myself off the site - I just can't be bothered with it any more, and why not concentrate on what I'm doing. You know, it's been a great experience, but how many messages and conversations do you need? I think it's time. xxxx

Great!

How wonderful - I chatted to my guy last night, and he wants to meet up again - and sooner than he said he could manage before - golly! You know, it's all rather intoxicating, someone actually wanting to spend time with me - especially after years of the oh trying to get away from me as much as possible. Maybe I've still got it??Also very positive feedback on the whole thing - I won't go into details - but I think he may have had an even better time than I did. And he's talking about things we'll do in the summer and so forth. Well, I was very cool and calm and it was just perfect - don't want to overdo it this early really - and I do feel that this could go either way - and most probably will end up with me being stabbed through the heart (metaphorically only). But I'm on that train now, and I honestly don't want to get off. He did ask how I felt about my 'first time' - and I said, actually fine - and I do. Mad, isn't it. But I don't think I could have coped emotionally with this before now - there's got to be some benefit to getting older and wiser hasn't there?

Another nice side effect of all this - I've lost weight! Now, I have to say, I wasn't trying at all. But now I have, I may try and continue - after all, what better reason is there? But you know, I love that he likes me as I am - how great is that? A lot of guys 'say something' no matter how slim you are, don't they - well, he was just happy to be with me it seems. I wonder if he'll notice? He is smart and really doesn't miss a thing. So I'm going to try and look as good as I can - maybe some new undies for next time? Yes, I know, I tried it at home but what a waste of time that was! I can't think it'll be wasted now.

Also heard from the lovely sailor who is now feeling better, but had to go somewhere this afternoon after telling me how he's going to shave me and so on and so forth. I was in a bit of a bad way on the bus to be honest. He's adorable, and I hope we do get a chance together - but I honestly have mixed feelings now - maybe I'm just too monogamous for my own good? And perhaps I should just get over it!! xx

A New Week!

Well, I had a lovely day at work, and am still quite pleased with myself at everything going so well! I keep feeling like I should pinch myself - yes it was real! You know, I really deserve this, all the shit I've put up with over the last few years. Time I spent some time with someone nice who won't treat me like a doormat ( or try to perhaps).

I'm hoping to hear from my favourite guy tonight - it seems so long since wednesday - but that's probably a good thing, isn't it? Mind you, probably can't meet again until March, so there we are. Still, would be nice to chat if nothing else - see how he felt about everything as well - but he has sent some rather nice emails when he's had a chance - I don't know if the daughter or the ladyfriend were stopping him though - hmmm.

I'm really starting to think about when and how to get out of this relationship - trouble is I guess it's just a bit too comfortable - and of course I have my daughter to think of. How the hell does all this happen without people killing each other? I think in all honesty I'd best sit tight for the moment and see how things go, and also let my daughter sort herself out a bit - not the best time for her to be suffering a second hand meltdown. But I do feel much more optimistic about the future generally. I just have to be brave I guess.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well happy valentines everyone - I must admit to not liking it too much myself, but there we are. I have never, ever received anything from my oh - as I was telling my friend this morning. I also had to admit to not even having had a cuddle or a kiss either - made me feel a bit tearful in all honesty. As well as my men being all tied up with families and whatever, so no contact with them - no, one message from the guy I met yesterday - short but sweet though.

My friend with the 'stalker' got a massive bunch of roses while I was there - she let me open the card, so I did have a little vicarious pleasure from that though. I keep thinking about my businessman spending the day with his ladyfriend and feeling quite sick - I'm in a bad way I think. But then I did sign on for this, didn't I? And he did lead me to believe he may be up for going public in the fullness of time - I think he likes me. Well, the feeling is certainly mutual, but I do think it could be a bit of a rocky road you know. But maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think - plenty of people split up don't they? I just never thought I might meet someone so bloody wonderful.

So I guess I'll hang on in there and keep chatting to other guys and try desperately to keep my head! I half expect he might be about later, so we'll see. Anyway, for all those of you who are less than loved up today for whatever reason - here's a big hug from me xxx

Words Fail Me!

Well, I went - we did it, lots - and boy it was fabulous. Just fabulous. Honestly about two years rations all in one afternoon. Oh My God. I honestly may never recover I think. What a fabulous man - he just slung me round that bed like a rag doll - but a very happy giggly one - wowowow! I chose this picture cos this was how I was watching the sunset that night - gosh, what a view that was.

You know, I was honestly beginning to believe that my libido was easing off with age, and I could do without it and all that - well, sorry no, absolutely bloody not. All I needed was a man with a bit of know how and my goodness - well honestly, I was never that orgasmic when I was younger, so maybe I've grown into it - is that normal, or is it just me - or is it him?? Who knows - good though.

So, feeling pretty good about all that, but also thinking 'oh my god, keep your head' ; I made another date for today with a guy I've been chatting to for a while. Now, I have to say, I was not all that enthusiastic about this, as I was still pretty spun out by wednesday. But I have had a lovely time with him. We met and drank coffee and walked around in the freeeeeezing cold, and, well, he isn't a looker in all honesty, but he's great company and I like him a lot. Hmmmm. Well, why not?

We met in the big city by the sea - and it's so lovely in the cold - looked round the shops and chatted. When it was time to go, we said bye, had a hug, and a bit of a snog - not full on, just normal. Well, some fat chav with a buggy and a fag shouted 'oh my god, look at that, that's disgusting!!' How funny - I think she was much worse to look at myself than a couple of middle aged people kissing - got a terribly teenage attack of the giggles though - quite exhilarating! Nice to be disgusting, isn't it??

24 hours to go!

The countdown begins - and a no show for the dreaded monthly beastliness - how convenient - maybe I'm pregnant? rotfl hahaha!! Had a lovely long chat with the man of the moment last night. It all feels so comfortable, it's just insane isn't it? I can't help thinking he's going to smash my poor little heart into smithereens and I'll be worse off than before - but then at least I'll be feeling alive and not like I'm buried in a hole or something.

I did run the fact that I might have a problem by him - and he said, well if it comes, it comes. I do like a man who's not pathetic about periods, don't you? For god's sake - an eggcupful of blood in total - what's to be scared of - some men just don't like women enough do they? Bodes well though, I think.

So I guess I am unlikely to be reporting back for a couple of days - actually maybe longer, cos I may never recover - swoon. But wish me luck with my first foray into illicit sex for many many years - it does feel a bit like I'm recovering the real me, madly. But it sure feels like a good thing. Oh my, this time tomorrow ....... xx

Fantasies

You like the photo? This is kind of what I'm imagining for wednesday afternoon - oh yummy! Two sleeps till wednesday - golly! I'm definitely not feeling guilty or anything about this, but I guess it is a bit of a life changing moment, so I'm a little anxious in that way. I mean, it is the first time I've been 'unfaithful', but I rather think it won't be the last. I mean I would much rather be having all this excitement and fun with my oh, but he has made it pretty clear that's not going to happen. But will it be the start of the slippery slope? And is that necessarily a bad thing? Have I turned into a complete trollop? Yes, probably - certainly that's how the world would see it, isn't it? Though, I rather think if I was a man they'd have a lot more sympathy with my predicament.

Had a lovely afternoon with the sailor on the phone - got home from work early - he confessed he feels horny when he's ill. I said, hey, I don't care, I'll ravish you whether you're ill or not, haha! And I did, but only virtually, more's the pity. Very positive feedback though xxx

I've had probably the longest email in the world from a guy - not sure about him still - he seems a bit mad and off the wall for me. But, boy did he need someone to listen. Well, I can do that. Sent a picture too - but I must say, I think his significant other is having some kind of a break down, so I'm not sure I'm comfortable getting any more involved. Sounds like she might come after me with a knife or something, you know? And I'm not sure I can cope with a real life alternative person - yes, I admit, I'm a bit old fashioned. But, hey, I'm getting on and I'm not sure I want to live in a bus or not wash for a month. Heyho.

Waiting for my businessman to log on now - he said he'd be about - hope all is well for the big day. I've even picked out my underwear ready - now I don't think I've ever done that before - or is it just too long ago to remember? xxxxx

Unlikely love affairs?

Well, a short update on my friend tonight. I really have nothing much to report for myself, but have heard from my two favourite men of the moment, who have both worn themselves out and are in for the evening. Okay, so she met this guy and her immediate reaction was, oh god, that hair! He's a bit bald on top, but long on the sides if you can picture that, oh dear. But other than that, apparently he's a really lovely chap.

He's spent a lot of time travelling and has not really been in a serious relationship for some time as he was bringing up his son alone. Well, I think it's all very promising myself. He seems to have a decent career behind him, and a house and, well, a bit of wherewithall. So unlike her usual men who are all complete losers! I certainly am rooting for him. He also seems to be pursuing her quite relentlessly - and actually phoned twice while we were having tea. She made him wait - good girl! Now, you probably know my view on this, but I really think men need to pursue - if you pursue them it almost inevitably goes wrong. I have tried to teach my girls this as well, and it's stood them in good stead you know.

You know, I'm so pleased with the way things are going for me, I kind of wish I could share it with my friends - except I think they'd be rather shocked and things. But then I guess I always knew that was out of the question, and why I'm here in part. It's just nice to write it all down. Golly moses, three more sleeps till wednesday - so excited!!

Interesting??

Well, my friend has a most disastrous history with men - really! I mean, so bad, it's just ridiculous. She had her door kicked in on boxing day this year by the latest catastrophe, so is at present on her own. And she's just lovely - good looking, slim, independent and good fun!! But my god, these men she chooses!

Anyway, here's what's happened. She went to a shop and ordered something, and was noticed by a man, who then made an excuse about ordering something himself and got to lift her number from the book. Well, determination is always a good thing, isn't it - and let's face it, men like to chase! So he rang her and asked her out for coffee. So she rang me. I said, yes absolutely, why not? So, she's meeting him right now as I write and I've really got my fingers crossed for her.

And after all, I'm hardly the person to condemn anyone for unusual ways of meeting people, am I? She was a little uncomfortable with it at first, but I said, look, this meeting guys in the pub has just not worked too well for you has it? Maybe it's time to try something else? I would dearly love to tell her about my experiences, but best not - she's really good friends with my oh - it'd be difficult for her.

And another point in his favour, he has a beard. OOh I said, you've never slept with a man with a beard before? Well, it's something to experience, go for it! Hahahaha. We shall see.

So I've spoken to my businessman last night, but he's busy till tomorrow now. At the moment, I'm a little worried that my period may appear on exactly the wrong day, so I'm willing it to start now and end my torment! Still, we can always improvise I guess. Golly, I can't believe this is all coming together now - how totally wonderful xxx

Are There Rules?

Well, I came home to two emails and one message - what a lot of lovely attention. One from my businessman, saying sorry, went out for a beer so couldn't chat last night - I said, well you're obviously a lush, maybe I should think again. Haha. Not a chance - next wednesday - can't wait. Also a lovely message from the sportsman - I'm getting to like him a lot. Will hopefully meet up next week if the excuses hold up. And a message from the sailor - I'm ill but I miss you - aaaahhh xxx

So, I'm thinking now, am I being too greedy? Not that I care too much, but I don't feel that there can or should be rules here, do you? I mean, if I can see all these guys once a month, that'll be great - and why the hell should I feel guilty? It's not my choice to never have sex again with my other half. And lately I've been thinking, well, hey, if he cared so much, why the hell didn't he ever marry me? Bearing in mind, he was married twice before. What am I, sloppy seconds?

So, I'm not feeling the guilt yet, and I'm not following the rules, perhaps, but boy am I ever having a good time. Can't wait for wednesday - golly. And then saturday - hope we get on too, would be just perfect. I've kind of given up on the surveyor - I do think he thought my job was a problem - well good luck to him, but the desperate housewives type may not be the best choice if you want to avoid a drama meltdown I'm thinking.

But you know, it gives me a warm glow all day to know I have these lovely men - and that they want me. And let's be honest, it's been a long time since the oh made me feel like that - basically because he just does it occasionally to shut me up - lame, I guess you'll agree. Well, I'd rather not bother. And you know, when youngest daughter leaves, I wonder just how long I can stick it. Not long I think! And why would I? I mean, I did tell him once during quite a calm discussion about all this, that if it carried on, I would find someone else. He didn't believe me. But I said, yes I would. So, honestly, deep down, he knows. But you know, if I do go, I know I'll be treated like the biggest bitch on the planet, because we're seen as the perfect couple - just feel the irony. xxxxx

Feeling Good!

Well shortly after I finished writing I got a beep - yes it was him the lovely man. Good lord. He's so organised, he was booking the room. Bless him. So it looks like my blog and my life are both about to get a whole lot more interesting, doesn't it? I mean, no offence, but the other guys I've spoken to are really paranoid and hesitant, but this guy just makes the decision and goes for it. Gosh.

He's booked a hotel which is just a stone's throw from where I work, so I could actually walk there - so will save me money too! And the perfect excuse has just appeared, as they are doing an evening activity at work - well, I won't be going, will I? Oh my I almost can't bear the waiting. What a lovely man.

The sailor is still ill - bless - but sent a few messages this afternoon. Don't expect he'll be up for our usual friday afternoon entertainment, do you? But you never know???

So, I'm eating out tomorrow, which I daresay will cost an arm and a leg - finances still are just not funny! But I'm absolutely not going to let that get me down. Just wish I could afford some new undies and stuff - maybe there's a way. Mind you, I imagine he'll get them off me pretty quick, don't you? Good lord, how wonderful it'll be, a man who actually wants me. I'm feeling so much better as well - I mean it's quite a self esteem boost, isn't it? And that's probably the best part you know - I mean that part of me has suffered quite a beating recently, so if someone sees me as the sexy woman I know I am really, then that's got to be good for me, hasn't it?

I'm hideously curious about his ladyfriend though - I think I may have to hit myself in a minute, cos he so obviously does not want to discuss her at all. At least not yet. I do understand the loyalty thing though. He is so wonderful and hot, and smells wonderful and is an absolute gentleman. He's so obviously fit as well, when he moves, omg. Goodness, I can't wait to get my mitts on him. But the thing that's worrying me - is that going to be enough for me? xxxxx

Is This It?

Well, I've met him and he's gorgeous. That's it really - wow. I think I've found the one I've been looking for. I honestly could eat him alive. I'm just a little worried it's all a bit too much and my poor little heart will be damaged beyond repair - but then I think it'd be worth it - honestly.

I think he likes me too, but then I'm going to wait for a message on here before I'm absolutely sure - you know, distance and all that. But, he definitely wants us to spend some time alone - and you know what that means, don't you? So next week, hopefully will be the night. omg I really have been so lucky to find someone so lovely. What have I done to deserve it? Steady on could still get a message saying I'm just not that into you, couldn't I?

The sailor has a cold, so is feeling quite downhearted - so cheered him up with some happy filthy suggestions I hope. Still got some plans for the summer him and me - involving rogering the cabin boy mostly (me being the cabin boy!).

Anyway, short post tonight cos I'm rather tired. And also a little worried at having no message. Hope he meant it xxxx

Another Day, Another Date!

Well, tomorrow is my date with the businessman - oh my! It feels so important, it's ridiculous, surely something will go wrong, or he'll be awful or something. Mind you, I do feel I deserve a break. I've been up to all this mischief since last June, and this is the first one who actually feels like it's going somewhere. However, now I seem to have a band of followers as well - oh, the irony!!

He contacted me last night, but we didn't manage to chat - computer problems - he's off the site too, cos he's found me!!!! So we can't chat on there either. I've told the oh I have a course, and I'll be home a little later. Also fixed up a few things to do on my own over the next few weeks so it doesn't seem weird if I'm off out on my own again - totally innocent things, like dinner with friends - but not friends of his!! I rather think this one might work out very well - he just seems to organise things so easily - which I rather like, being rather a dithery person, especially at this!!

Just hoping now that it all goes rather better than saturday - which let's face it, was a bit of a pain really. Kind of wish I'd saved up one of my lives for another occasion now - but then, who was to know?? I'm not sure the surveyor hasn't cooled off quite a bit - he said something about my schedule being difficult for him - well tough mate! Didn't get that rubbish from anyone else. He's been spoilt by the last woman he had who used to meet him at her house (!) Imagine - all that washing of sheets!

So wish me luck for tomorrow, I will hopefully write about it after if I'm not back too late (!!!!!) and soon may have some more interesting activity to report. xxxx