Lovely weather!

Well what a gorgeous day, reflecting my new found inner peacefulness, perhaps? Cos I am, you know. It's just so lovely to be appreciated by some lovely men, makes life worth living. So, talked to the doctor for a long while last night - he is going to Spain - still likes tormenting me though, says he' s going to find a woman and give her a good seeing to and all that. Don't really think he will, and actually why should I care? But I feel very territorial about my men - crazy isn't it? Yes, I know they're married, blah blah, but they belong to me!! So, he says he'll call me lots, so I don't have to miss him. I said, would you tell me if you met someone? and he said no. He drives me crazy sometimes.

Talked to him for a long time about the oh last night - and how I'd been to the doctor, thinking there was something wrong with me? Got sent home with a load of leaflets about the menopause and told to lose some weight. Well, bullshit. Its taken me about a year to work out that I don't have the menopause, or anything wrong with me. What I do have is severe frustration due to lack of sex along with a side order of damaged self esteem from trying to persuade said oh to have sex with me. The doctor agrees with me (love him) and says all I need is some good old fashioned sex. Well, I agree. Bloody doctors. Useless. Also sent oh to doctor to find out why his sex drive had driven off - well it took some persuading, I can tell you, but he went. Trouble is, he came back with a load of sympathy from bonding with the doctor, something along the lines of 'bloody women' and a prescription for viagra. Well, I have to say the viagra was quite impressive, from my point of view anyway. But it only works if you take it, doesn't it? So after taking it once back in November and once in December, I think (half a tablet each time) the rest has been left to gather dust, along with my private parts (sorry, feel a bit bitter sometimes).

So, I don't know, I've done all the right things I think. We've talked discussed, I've got really upset and depressed, he's got defensive and nasty. I've just had enough of it all. It's been years now since I feel things have been 'normal' - whatever that means. Surely it means you feel like your husband wants to sleep with you, which, quite frankly, I don't. That's why I'm here, and I do feel so much happier, although I do know that my friends and family probably wouldn't see it that way. That's why it's so important that it all stays secret.

So talked to the doctor about it all for ages last night. I said I'm sorry I hate moaning like this, but he said he finds it fascinating. Guess that's why he's a doctor hmmm? Love talking to him, he's so smart - I told him so last night - he said you don't know that. But I do - he's just very sharp and intelligent, even though his wife tells him he's not. I like that he's a bit bad sometimes as well, and is quite rude to people when he shouldn/t be. Great fun.

Didn't talk too much to my sailor today. A couple of quick emails and a text - was tied up with work and oh and things. He's quite anxious about everything. I said, look there's no rush. I'll wait for as long as it takes, and I won't get bored, I don't want you to be uncomfortable with anything at all. Trouble is, this other woman rushed him into things a bit, and it didn't end well. Not going to make that mistake - anyway, she's not me. Been tormenting him with new underwear and stockings and things this week - cruel aren't I? Still I think next week may still be on - a little afternoon delight - otherwise known as a teacher training course - wonder what I'll learn? xxxx