Calmness!

Good news - a message from the bm. And I messaged back, but waited ages to do it. Had to keep busy though to stop myself! His computer's been out of action apparently - let's see what happens now. At least I didn't leave a load of pathetic messages for him - although it was a close thing I have to say.

Work is busying up which is nice - and I don't have to spend hardly any time with the witch. Perfect. Some of my good friends from last year are back too - great! Should be a good summer I think.

The swimmer and I are I think coming to a sort of understanding. We are going to always be good friends I think, but that's probably it really. We do live a long way apart and he's a lot older and so forth. But we do both enjoy each others company. I dare say if we did get together ever we would end up in bed because the energy between us is so strong - but then we understand each other so well that I think that could be quite cool. Goodness, I have come a long way. I remember actually thinking you should only be sleeping with one man at a time. Sod that for a game of soldiers. I'm living by my own rules now. I really think what I used to believe was a king of indoctrination or something. I certainly didn't do that when I was younger. And maybe i would think differently if I was actually married - but I'm not!

I'm quite angry with my oh at the moment - but in the spirit of trying harder, I'm just saying what I think and moving on. Let me explain. The sexless thing has gone on for a long time. I thought perhaps if he gave up smoking it would help - and actually it did a bit. Not as much as the viagra, but he won't take that. And it was nice to have sex and then not be coughed all over (yes, I know). So, a year goes by, and the sex actually is not getting any more frequent. And yes, I'm sleeping with other guys. But then, he starts smoking again! WTF??? Well, that's going to improve things isn't it? I was so mad - it's just like a big 'fuck you' isn't it??

I told him today, not in a 'make you feel guilty' way at all - if you want to kill yourself, it's your business. He said he would give up after glastonbury; so I replied, well, we both know that's bullshit, don't we? I did get a bit fed up with him telling everyone he was doing it for me before - so I guess that's how he saw it, isn't it? Not as something that might help us stay together! I can feel myself distancing myself more and more all the time. And I'm also not allowed to talk about work, or my students, so he has no idea what I do all day. Fine. I'm so bloody boring, go and talk to all those interesting old farts in the pub. My guys like listening to me, so I don't care - at all!

Sorry for the vent - I did need that cos I feel so bloody annoyed about it. That's all the effort he's putting into saving the relationship - sod all! While I have to shut up. Good balance of power. I feel like a lib dem sometimes, lol!!! xxx