A Step in the Right Direction!

Well, I'm feeling rather pleased with myself today - I have sorted out a major money hassle to my advantage - and I've got to say it's like a huge weight off my mind. Sad perhaps, but it gets you like that, doesn't it? Hate being poor so much. Not that I'm really poor, probably just a bit financially challenged. Also splashed out on a couple of new shirts - wow, go me!! I actually also have some vouchers to spend sometime from my birthday (still can't believe I got vouchers from my bosses!!), so I feel some underwear shopping coming on again, don't you??

At the risk of pissing myself off, I will also say that I haven't heard from the bm since he was in China, so I'm seriously starting to wonder. Oh dear. No, I won't panic yet, cos I honestly and truthfully think he would have sent me a message at least if it was all off. He is straightforward. And in my experience guys say what they think (even if you're not listening) and he said he wanted to see me again.

But, of course, I do have my other guys who I'm seeing next week. This could be seriously tiring couldn't it? Let's see. You know, I was thinking really hard this morning about actually living alone, and I do really feel that that's what I want. I was thinking about all the things I could do - see my men whenever I want for one. And maybe go back to college without being told it's a waste of time. You know, the bm totally gets that - I told him I might do that, and he said, good idea - and I really admire you - wow. Well, he sure turned my head didn't he? Anyhow, I do hope to have some action to report next week, cos it's all been a bit staid for a while, hasn't it?

Mind you, I didn't tell you about my new green friend yet, did I??? I think that will have to wait till tomorrow, cos I've got some work to do! xxxx

Nothing yet!

Not heard from him yet, but then I'm hanging around here like a sad case again, so maybe I will soon. Gosh, it's hard isn't it? Still, I think we're due a break, don't you? Yes!! But I'm okay to meet the golfer - so that's going to be okay, if a bit of a tiring round journey I think - but that's okay. Also, may well pull off an afternoon with the sailor - golly, a new one. But honestly he doesn't feel new, cos we've been an item cyberlly for about a year now. Will be nice though, won't it? He is so extremely naughty - and full of creative ideas as well. I love that.

But still got a while to wait, and lots of work to do before then, so perhaps I should knuckle down and stop thinking about it all so much. I'm still talking to my swimmer, he had a bit of a bad day today - mostly his oh I think - she sounds a real cow - and actually looks a bit of a cow. He sent me a photo, and I assume that was her - yeuch. Do you think you can tell people's characters from pictures - perhaps rather more as you get older I do think. He did say something to me about her and her dried up nun friends the other day - made me laugh - god, hope that's never me! Shoot me now, please. I mean it. xxx

Working Out!

Well, some developments, and as I thought it seems to be sorting itself out wonderfully. So the golfer has to play golf on saturday morning, which makes life a bit difficult doesn't it? But I have to work on friday quite late - so it may just be impossible, mightn't it? So, that means I could meet up with his lovely self, the sailor. Golly.

I do feel the gods are on my side sometimes - they want me to have as many lovers as possible don't they - bad gods! Wait till I tell my online friend - she's going to be pissed. Can still meet the golfer in september as originally planned I think. But would be a shame to miss this one - it's so hard for him to get away!

My bm should be home today I think - so will probably hear from him on sunday. Which will be nice. Perfect case scenario - meet me next week! Oh, okay then. He's the best. You know, if I do settle for just one man in the future, I'm sure going to miss all this variety. xxx

Bless him!

Well, I've said I may be busy and I'll have to see nearer the time - but maybe if he does get away once, he could do it again! Good compromise I think - and puts off actually making a decision doesn't it? He's not a confident guy and he is worried to death about this - and actually won't stay overnight, but that's okay, it's easier for me to do an afternoon and evening isn't it? Trouble is, he had another woman before who did make him stay away - and I think in a way that's made his oh very suspicious - you know, like she's on the scent! Not good - don't want to tangle with her, she sounds a bitch - but then all these people who refuse affection are, aren't they?

Had an interesting conversation this afternoon - my swimmer said to me, the oh always tries it on really late at night when he's asleep - now, she knows he's no good to man or beast then. But, my oh keeps trying it in the morning, when I HAVE to get up for work. Don't you think it's so they can say, oh, well you're the one who doesn't want it, you're always refusing me, I feel really unloved. What utter bullshit after all the years of crap they've dealt out to us. No, not falling for that crock of shit.

You know, it's true what the swimmer says (he's very wise) - if you stop making it your responsibility, you make yourself free. I'm responsible for me and no one else. And I'm doing fine thanks, and so are my lovely men. What a lovely thing it is not to do guilt! Much more fun than the other way - tried that too long - blah! Bm back soon - a meeting I think - and even more new underwear?? xxx

Double booked!

I may have an unexpected problem - I may be about to double book myself. Well, never thought I'd ever be that much in demand again! So, the sailor was texting me this afternoon and it was really rather lovely and naughty (never thought of THAT!), and as a kind of afterthought said, I can get away, are you free. Omg - the same day I'm meeting the golfer. What bad luck. Well, could be he could catch me on the way back - need to clarify what he's up to. Oh, the irony. So, who do I choose, the guy who I've been sharing cyber naughtiness with for a year, or the guaranteed unlimited orgasms? Tough one, eh?

Work is rather nice at the moment - I seem to be flavour of the month. Strangely, all this illicit sex is lifting my spirits rather wonderfully and giving me a whole load of confidence. Maybe it should be on prescription - at this rate I won't have time to think about the menopause if and when it ever happens - and that's a good thing! Can't imagine going off sex - how boring would that be - what on earth would I write about - hot flushes or something? Don't worry, I promise I'll stop if I ever get that boring (no chance!) xxx

Relief!

Well, I'm feeling relieved and actually a bit of a clot as well. Got a lovely email from the bm, who is on his trip abroad, but sent a message. How nice. He's not effusive at all, but was just a nice message. I think some planning is in order when he gets back - either that or I'm going to have to force the issue somehow - what do you think, some photos??

And the golfer sent a message as well, saying how much he was looking forward to seeing little me again, and doing all those ridiculously naughty things to me as well. Well me too!! Just got to get the plan sorted I think. He did say something about his wife thinks he'll be having his girlfriends round, which got me a little worried. He thinks it's ok though. I hope so, I genuinely don't want to cause any trouble you know.

And a lovely message from the swimmer, who I just adore. He always tells me what he's cooking for me tonight. He's so sweet. We've just got to meet one day.

I'm actually really tired tonight, so I might have a bath and an early night, and dream some sweet dreams of my lovely men. I'm actually really lucky for such a greedy wicked girl, aren't I? xxx

Busy week ahead!

Well, it's going to be non-stop this week, which is good, cos I won't be thinking too much - and yes, that's a good thing. It's such a female thing to over think things isn't it - and honestly, I think men just say what they mean, don't they? I really do think, in my logical moments, he wouldn't keep me hanging on if he'd had enough. I don't. And I do know he's a very busy man. I do. But an email, or something?? He'll have gone today, and I'm not too sure about internet where he's going, so I'll try and keep busy and not think. Good plan.

I'm so glad I have more than one guy actually, cos this is all a bit of a headbanger really, isn't it? The waiting, the second-guessing, the planning, blah, blah. So now I have three - greedy girl. Yes, I think we're definitely on, me and the swimmer, just a matter of time. Very special I think. Yummmmy. And I'm also lucky to have a very good friend who I can talk to online about everything - she's just great. We remind each other not to be pathetic sometimes, which is good, and encourage each other with the whole business - not that I need that.

Well, seeing the golfer in a couple of weeks - and plan is in operation - yes, another course! Good stuff. I like him, but I'm totally not falling for him. It's just wonderful naughty sex. And he's a nice guy. I bet actually I'd really like his wife - she sounds so nice - not unlike myself but without the naughty bits perhaps. Boy, I need it. And more photos - yes. Will set me up nicely for the summer I think - cos it'll be a bit more difficult then. But not impossible, especially for my special wonderful man. Or the lovely swimmer, who's pretty special too I think. xxxx

Zilch!

Well, I have to vent a little cos it's driving me potty - not even an email - wtf??? Now, I know he's off tomorrow abroad and I know he's busy, but not even one sentence??? There, vent over. Maybe it's some kind of test and I'll get my reward somehow - like all those years without sex and then I meet him. Well.

But I have to say after talking to some of my internet buddies I'm feeling quite blessed. They're having quite a hard time meeting guys. And you know, I was too - then it all happened all of a sudden didn't it? Well, now I really have too many, so I can't actually complain can I? But then, what is too many? Is there such a thing - maybe not.

My goodness, I never know quite where I am with the swimmer. One minute he's being all noble and I'm not the guy for you, but we're friends, and next minute it's full on naughty stuff - writes nicely too - I like very much!! Rather colourful. Ooh my, if we meet up....mind you, perhaps I should say when because it feels kind of inevitable now. Golly, what a floozy - and what a happy floozy compared to a year ago. Where will it all end, that's what I'm starting to wonder now. No, maybe I shouldn't think too much - live for the moment. Getting a tattoo soon. Wow. Mad and wonderful stuff I think xxxx

Blimey!

This is driving me potty. He sends me one of his polite - hope you're okay emails - chat soon. Well, that was two bloody days ago - nothing. So here I am again like a lemon, working with the chat open in case he deigns to make an appearance. I shouldn't really should I? He's so cool all the time - I truly have no idea what's going on with him. I sometimes think he's going to come on and say, no, that's it. I'm marrying her and I don't want to see you again - ugh!

On a more cheerful note, I'm seeing the golfer in a few weeks, so he's been in touch again - lovely man. Feeling a little claustrophobic actually - his wife's retired, so he doesn't get out and about alone much. It's a problem I can identify with - imagine if I wasn't working! He's booked the stockings again - likes them. Hoping to stay over this time - hope I can swing it.

I'm also sending good thoughts to my american girlfriend, who is meeting a new man tomorrow. I did encourage her a tiny bit, but this new guy sounds lovely. Hope it works out for her. She's been a real godsend, and we help and encourage each other quite a lot. And we tell each other if we're getting a bit pathetic - she's so nice. This honestly isn't something you can talk about with even good friends, is it??

I also have such a lovely thing going with the swimmer. We talk all the time - but it's actually very serious stuff about life, relationships and so forth. But a bit naughty at times. We get on exceptionally well, he knows what I get up to, and he understands completely - amazing. Whatever happens he's my bestest friend I think - very strange, but there it is. Later xx

Birthday anniversary?

Well, my birthday is approaching fast and with it the one year anniversary of my being a cheating not-actually-married spouse. And today, I read Tom Allen on The Edge of Vanilla, which really made me think about this. Apparently, the day after mothers day is the highest number of people signing up on Ashley Madison - well, I checked this out, it's like the site I was on, for married people. Now, isn't that interesting - something to do with unfulfilled expectations they think. Well, yes my expectations were pretty low last year, but I still spent most of the day crying. And signed up the next day. Interesting research though, isn't it?

Well, I've had a lovely relaxing weekend, and feel lots better now. Work isn't going to be too taxing next week, so that's good as well. Money still an issue as ever, but really not as bad as this time last year. If only I had more of it, I'd bugger off tomorrow - such a tool for freedom isn't it?

I seem to be getting a lot of internet friends in a similar position to me as well, which is kind of nice. Cos I can't actually talk to anyone else about what is going on. Many women seem to be in sexless marriages - would love to see some statistics about this, but I really do think it's the last taboo, so can't see it happening. My oh was apparently telling the pub how he still got it up whenever he wanted today - so there you go! I'd be laughing if it wasn't so painful. Ouch.

Hoping to hear from the gorgeous bm tonight - it's been a while, so I'm concentrating on non-crankiness - unlike what I really want to say I guess. I know he's off on a trip next week - wonder if he has a window of opportunity??? Wish me luck xxx

Calmness!

Good news - a message from the bm. And I messaged back, but waited ages to do it. Had to keep busy though to stop myself! His computer's been out of action apparently - let's see what happens now. At least I didn't leave a load of pathetic messages for him - although it was a close thing I have to say.

Work is busying up which is nice - and I don't have to spend hardly any time with the witch. Perfect. Some of my good friends from last year are back too - great! Should be a good summer I think.

The swimmer and I are I think coming to a sort of understanding. We are going to always be good friends I think, but that's probably it really. We do live a long way apart and he's a lot older and so forth. But we do both enjoy each others company. I dare say if we did get together ever we would end up in bed because the energy between us is so strong - but then we understand each other so well that I think that could be quite cool. Goodness, I have come a long way. I remember actually thinking you should only be sleeping with one man at a time. Sod that for a game of soldiers. I'm living by my own rules now. I really think what I used to believe was a king of indoctrination or something. I certainly didn't do that when I was younger. And maybe i would think differently if I was actually married - but I'm not!

I'm quite angry with my oh at the moment - but in the spirit of trying harder, I'm just saying what I think and moving on. Let me explain. The sexless thing has gone on for a long time. I thought perhaps if he gave up smoking it would help - and actually it did a bit. Not as much as the viagra, but he won't take that. And it was nice to have sex and then not be coughed all over (yes, I know). So, a year goes by, and the sex actually is not getting any more frequent. And yes, I'm sleeping with other guys. But then, he starts smoking again! WTF??? Well, that's going to improve things isn't it? I was so mad - it's just like a big 'fuck you' isn't it??

I told him today, not in a 'make you feel guilty' way at all - if you want to kill yourself, it's your business. He said he would give up after glastonbury; so I replied, well, we both know that's bullshit, don't we? I did get a bit fed up with him telling everyone he was doing it for me before - so I guess that's how he saw it, isn't it? Not as something that might help us stay together! I can feel myself distancing myself more and more all the time. And I'm also not allowed to talk about work, or my students, so he has no idea what I do all day. Fine. I'm so bloody boring, go and talk to all those interesting old farts in the pub. My guys like listening to me, so I don't care - at all!

Sorry for the vent - I did need that cos I feel so bloody annoyed about it. That's all the effort he's putting into saving the relationship - sod all! While I have to shut up. Good balance of power. I feel like a lib dem sometimes, lol!!! xxx

That didn't last long!

Well it seems our cooling it didn't last too long, did it. He sent me rather a detailed account of his rather naughty dream about me - boy, I was pretty hot too. Sounded like me too - how strange! You know, I really like this chap, but he's worried he's too old for me - phooey I say - he's the same age as my oh. But he does appear to have a lot more life in him actually. Fun though - unconditional love and honesty that's what we're shooting for. We can do it I think, don't you?

He knows what I've been up to as well - doesn't care. He says he's glad someone's keeping his little friend happy. How nice. Could get used to this I think.

Also no news from the bm - what's going on? Eight days and not even an email. Not sure what to think honestly. I know he's busy but honestly. I do really think he'd tell me though if he wanted to call it a day, so maybe I shouldn't be so cranky. Would just love to see him again - it was all pretty damn hot, so that sort of chemistry shouldn't be wasted, should it?

Heard from the golfer as well - has found himself a possible other woman at the golf club. I said, hey, be careful so close to home - you never know. I think he may have decided against it actually. But a divorcee with two kids - now that could be real trouble couldn't it? Who knows though - I'm not jealous, honestly, just worried about my good friend. Seeing him soon though - oooh lovely. What, three weeks now - that's not long. Boy, I need it too xxxx

Calmness!

Well, we've been talking and talking and we've decided to cool it, but see where things go. The problem is we've both got such weird stuff going on at home - maybe we need to sort that out first. But we are totally honest and upfront and that's just brilliant. He is my very best friend - no doubt about that at the moment. Only person I'm honest with even.

But, I'm still chatting with my american lady. I've told her she needs to get another sex man, cos then she won't get so cranky about sex man number one. Who seems to like playing games a bit. Works for me. I told her I've got three men now, and she said, yes, they say when you decorate a house, you should use odd numbers like three and five. Maybe I should shoot for five then, or would that be greedy?

Still haven't heard from the bm. Yes, I know he's busy and all that, but a week??? Still, I'll survive. What was all that about the flat and so forth? Absolutely not going to act like a desperate sad case though - call me buster! You know where I am.

Definitely need some action - well, got some lined up for the beginning of June, but that seems such a long time!! Maybe he'll get something together soon - maybe he'll even come online and chat to me!! Grrrrr!!!

Things hotting up at work as well - not for me you understand - but all the people with the dubious morals are coming back - sure makes life more interesting. And I get to act all moralistic and middle class as well - what a hypocrit!!! What fun!! xxx

Bank Holiday!

Well, I haven't written for a while, mainly because I've had some pretty strange stuff going on and I'm trying to work it all out myself. I haven't heard from either of my favourite men, so I guess they're busy with their families. So nothing to report there. But I've been talking so much to the swimmer, and it's all getting very intense actually, and I'm starting to wonder what it's all about, actually. We are so scarily in synch and have so much in common - a good thing I suppose. Well, I've now suggested we really should swap photos and maybe meet, but I'm so nervous and it would be so tragic if we didn't actually get on! But the thing is we really started out as friends, and he knows I'm sleeping with other guys, so it really wasn't like we were looking at first.

How did it happen, I don't know. But it did change, and it feels, ridiculously, like we could really be soulmates or something. You know, I'm writing it, and as I do I'm thinking how mad it is. But it honestly doesn't feel mad, it feels right. Dear god, what on earth? Maybe I just need to meet up with my bm and get a damned good sorting out. Can you fall in love online? Surely not!