End of the Year!

And what a year it's been! God when I think back to how miserable I was I honestly don't know how I didn't hurt myself. It's been so much better being an adulterous floozy, I can't tell you. Very empowering. And so much more sex than I've had perhaps ever before. Really, it can't be bad can it?

Well, the whole issue with the H has died a death - seems he really is quite happy never to have sex again. Well, I'm not.

I had such a lovely message from my new guy - he didn't say happy new year, he said Happy Our Year - cos that's what it's going to be. Wow. Maybe it will be. It's all a bit overwhelming, but he's now thinking of extending his stay in this country - I said, well, might be difficult for me to see you - he said okay, but I'll be nearer to you. How wonderful, it's ridiculous. But I have to say I have several friends who have met people online and are very happy, despite the ridiculous, we were living on different continents thing. Why shouldn't that be me??

Also sent a severely rude picture to my Canadian friend to cheer him up for new year - golly. I do like him so much. And heard from the golfer too - let me know when you want to visit. Well, yes I do - although I may have to give up all these other men for the marine you know. Oh, he's gorgeous - I must have done something so good in a previous life - or maybe it's just a reward for all my misery? Who knows - why not just enjoy it? Happy new year to all xxxx

My new man x

My new man is back and chatting with me now Christmas is over. We're making a lot of plans of what we'd like to do and things - will be amazing if it all comes true won't it? You know what else, he's an ex-marine, hence the hot arms and nice bod xxxx Boy, have I done well there!

It's all getting very intense and we're talking about the future, tentatively. But mostly looking forward to March. Goodness. But why the hell not, lots of people have got together that way. I'm not honestly sure I care what people think anyhow.

You know I'm back in the marital bed too for the moment. He started touching me - shut me up sex on offer, oh great. I said no. He said, don't you want me to touch you ever again - I said maybe not. Sounds horrid doesn't it? But it felt strangely empowering being that honest at last. I mean, he feels the same doesn't he? Surely. Or he wouldn't have avoided it for so damned long. Maybe I haven't heard the end of this, we'll see. xxx

Tired and Emotional?

Well, the main Christmas thing is over. I feel very tired and more than a little emotional - I think I'm going to have to concentrate on keeping my own counsel today more than usual! Had a nice evening with my oldest friends last night, so that was good, but there's always the nostalgic shared past thing - and I was thinking how we might never do this again. But then again, do I really want to do that every year for the rest of my life?

It's all about resistance to change really isn't it? And how scary is change actually? I think if I'm brutally honest, that's probably what's kept me here for about the last decade - fear. Not really a good basis for a relationship is it? I really must find a way to embrace change - even though I do find it so hard. Other people manage it, why not me?

Otherwise, very little going on - everyone's busy with family stuff. Hopefully less so today, and I so miss my American xxxxx

Contemplating

I'm feeling very thoughtful today, which is not surprising I guess. When I look back at the last year, I really can't believe how far I've come. Wasn't I brave?? And wow, wasn't it worth it? When I think back to last christmas and how completely miserable I felt, it's very hard to believe that things have changed quite that much. They have. And amazingly, no one seems to have noticed. Isn't that odd?

Now, I have to wonder what next year will bring. Well, I'm not going back to being the down trodden doormat I used to be, trying to mend my marriage. That's never happening. What I hope will happen is that I will move on and find myself in a brilliant relationship by next christmas. What I think may well happen is that I might be with this american. Honestly. It's sudden and crazy, but it feels totally unstoppable. And he's talking crazy stuff too, it's not coming from me.

Now I'm wondering what to do about my other men. Maybe nothing for the time being. Let's see. I always thought I'd end up with the bm, but seeing as he can go without talking to me for weeks at a time, I wonder if that would be wise honestly. This new guy can't bear it for one day. There's a lot of logistics to work out, but you know, he will. I know it. I feel loved and needed and valued - and that hasn't been the case for such a long time has it? Is it too perfect? Maybe not - maybe miracles can happen. Have a lovely boxing day xxxx

Hunky!!

Well, I've taken a look at my American, and boy did I do well - he's a real hunk! Absolutely delicious - no idea why a woman would let that go to waste!! Still, her loss is my gain. He's going to be wonderful. He took a look at me too, and thinks I'm very sexy - how nice. How come my other half doesn't? I get treated like a nagging harridan here.

As you know, I've had enough, so christmas is quite tough for me. But it sure helps having some lovely men to look forward to doesn't it? Also, the bm is home I think, so should be seeing him very soon I think. But I'm getting very excited about the American - he's not shy about his feelings either, which is rather refreshing. He really is a breath of fresh air xxxx

Christmas and everything

Well, it's all starting, and I'm doing pretty well keeping up the facade of normality for the family. Because everyone's staying, we're sleeping together again, which was quite uncomfortable the first night, but seems ok now. He's not attempted anything though, which is not a great surprise is it, honestly? I'm really not sure how I'd react now though, just don't want him any more. That's what constant rejection will do to you though, isn't it?

March is looking good - and this guy is just wonderful. I really think this could be quite special - that throws up all kinds of problems seeing where he lives, but he's ready for that, and says let's just take it one step at a time, okay with me.

You know, I have been thinking about this a lot. Maybe this is better for me in a lot of ways. I like having lots of different men, despite it being something your normal man in the street would definitely not approve of. I just feel like taking a huge great bite out of life, and sod the consequences. Why limit yourself? And I surely feel I have enough love to give to lots of men, I really do. Is it wrong? If it is, why?

I guess really I should think about the future and things, but at the moment, I just feel in limbo. Let's see.

Oh, me and my guy are fine now - it was very very close I think. We decided to draw a line under it and move on. He's a bit sad he's not the American I'm meeting in March, but there we are. If he gets over, we're definitely spending time though. It's odd, this internet thing - we are such close friends, better even than a lot of my real friends - who obviously I never talk to about all this, too dangerous!! And I know he feels the same. It's a precious thing, and I don't intend to lose it.

My good friend x

We've been talking about it all for a couple of days, me and my friend. I think we're going to be okay, and that's only because we've both been really honest, and we value each other's friendship so much. But it was touch and go there for a little while. He's so important to me though, and I can't see that changing whatever happens you know.

Also planning to meet my American guy in March. We're actually getting very seriously involved - it's a little bit scary. He asked me yesterday if I thought you could fall in love over the internet - I said, honestly, well I know someone who did, and now they live together. You know, it strikes me as actually a better way to meet people in some ways - you get to know their character and stuff first, which I think is probably a good thing. This really could be something though.

But then, there's the bm - due back yesterday, so may well hear from him soon. Adorable man. Don't want to have to choose just yet though - I'm way too greedy. Maybe I'll have to one day xx

Strange?

I don't know what to think about this, so I thought I'd write it down. Well, I chat to this guy in the states, and honestly we get on pretty well. He's quite well off, won't leave his wife, nice family, an upstanding citizen and all that. A bit frustrated yes, so he sleeps with other women, and yes, the odd escort, which I guess I can understand.

Well, he told me he's planning a trip. This trip involves him and several friends going to Singapore and holing up in a suite with a bunch of chinese hookers. Well, since he told me, I've been feeling quite sick. And then I've been thinking, well, am I being cranky? Is it me?? I just find this the most horrible sleazy thing I could possibly think of, and honestly not what I'd expect of a nice guy like him at all. And that's before I go into just how vile I think the sex tourism market is.

But you know, I really liked this guy, and I feel just horribly let down. He really can't be who I thought he was can he? Or is this actually what all men would like to do if they had the opportunity? And if they can, does that mean they should? I'm honestly debating just cutting any contact with him at all, which surprises me a bit, cos I'm quite easy going and liberal. It's getting to me though, and I'm not all that sure why - perhaps because I did care about him quite a bit. Can we still be friends and get past this - should I tell him what I think?

Perhaps the worst thing is, he asked me if I'd like to join them - no!! I really can't think of anything I'd less rather do - would he expect me to screw his sleazy friends too, so he could watch? I guess he thinks I'd enjoy it. Maybe I should just block him. Any opinions would be good - I'm confused x

Wonderful Day!!

I have had such a great day! Well, according to the family, I went shopping. But (bet you've guessed) I was actually having vast and greedy amounts of sex with my golfer fella. What a wonderful day. We had the camera out, and it all got very extremely naughty! Will I be brave enough to look when he sends them? And we had a lot of fun too - chatting about everything, making lunch, having a shower. You know, I like him a lot, and he's so great - and I honestly can tell him anything. I talk to him about the oh and my other fellas too.

He said something interesting today. He said, maybe your oh has another woman, or several - I said, oh, he spends all his time in the pub. Well, he said, why do men not see that as cheating? It's the same thing - spending your time and energy with other people, when you have said you wanted to be with your significant other, supposedly the most important person in your life. I said, you know that's exactly it!! That's what's made me so angry all these years - I guess I could stand it when I got some attention (read sex) - but now I get nothing at all. No, it's not good enough is it. Nice to clarify my thoughts though.

And even more good news - a lovely long email from the bm in a far distant country. He'll be back next week. I wonder if I can see him before christmas - if not, soon after I think. I told my fella about him. He's fine with it - but it wouldn't be vice versa I feel - I said, maybe that's cos he couldn't handle it, or maybe because I like him so much - bit of both probably. Gosh, so many men - how things can change in a year, can't they? Remember last Christmas when I felt so fat and unsexy? Wow - seems like a different person - and perhaps I was in all honesty. A wise friend told me recently, that the people close to you are the last to notice that you have changed. How true. I actually told someone I was sleeping with three men the other day - like you do - she laughed and said, oh, you'd never do that!! Oh yes I would - ain't life grand xxxxx

Still so cold!!

Well, what will happen - third week of attempting to have sex - will the weather finally be kind to me? We think it might and we're planning accordingly. Photos, yes I think so, haha. Not forgetting lots of sex - hope he has the heating turned up.

Also, looking at possible hotels for March - it's really going to happen, me and the American. Wow. What a classy floozy I am, I'm casing out some nice places too. What I really want is a log fire, but it seems health and safety won't allow them in the bedrooms - but I want sex in front of a fire!!! Come on, it's not too much, is it?

Also looks like I'll be working right up till Christmas - perfect. All adds to the swelling escape fund doesn't it? I think he's bought me a Christmas present from some bloke in the pub - impressive eh? I used to feel sad, now I just feel angry. I deserve better - and boy, I'm getting it xxxx

Blah!!

Well, we now have ridiculously heavy rain - and I have a ridiculously heavy period - not that interesting I'm afraid, but again, both good reasons why I can't get to have any sex!!! Very annoying. Maybe next week will be kinder to me?

My American has sure blossomed - sounds like he's given this lady the ride of her life to be honest! Just a little jealous, but not too much. I feel very pleased that he's crossed the line actually - and it is a big deal really isn't it? He is absolutely coming to see me in march - we have dates and everything - how amazing is that? I do feel a little better cos he keeps telling me he wishes it was me. And so do I - I am getting a greedy girl aren't I??

About time I had a call from the bm - maybe this week? What an aggravating man he is. But you know, from his perspective, I think perhaps he doesn't want to pressure me too much. He knows the situation, he knows I've had it and am in the spare bedroom. And perhaps it's wise not to move too fast really isn't it? Who knows. But I miss him terribly xx

Snow!!!!

Snow and more snow!! Can't somebody do something?? I want to have some sex!! This is really getting beyond a joke. If I don't get going soon, it'll be Christmas, and I sure won't be getting any then! Very annoying.

Never mind, he's been in touch and has the camera and the props, and we're going to have some fun with the camera. Ho ho ho!! Take my santa hat too?? Yes!! So fun.

I had a little success this week. I've been talking to this guy in the states - he contacted me first and said he was thinking of getting a little extra. He sounded very nervous, and we chatted about his worries. Then he went on his business trip on Sunday. Well, he'd barely arrived when he got the receptionist naked on his couch!! Good going. Maybe I should take up sex coaching and give up teaching. I guess he must also be very gorgeous for a woman to throw her knickers off so quickly, don't you? He's coming to see me in March.

What would I call myself? Sexual confidence for the depressed married? Coaching for the useless shagger? I do seem to have a knack xxxx