Disappointed?

This may turn into a bit of a rant, so I'll apologize in advance. I'm feeling a bit pre-menstrual and also a bit annoyed. Well the problem is the oh has now given up all pretence of not smoking - and I feel disappointed. We were both going to make an effort to make things better and get on and so on. Well it seems to me this consists of him doing just the bloody same, while I have to be very careful to shut up about anything that might upset him. You know, I think the smoking may be a huge factor in the not wanting to have sex thing - and it also makes it very unpleasant when we do. Someone coughing up phlegm all over you at the moment of climax just makes you want to never do it again, believe me.


So, it's obviously not going to get any better in the future is it? Makes me think, definitely. I told him I would get a lover once, you know, and he didn't believe me. Well, I wouldn't have believed me once, but not any more. So I continue to shut up and seeth because I know if I say anything he'll call me names again and somehow it'll all be my fault. Can't live like this forever you know. And would you blame me?

So it's Sunday, and I'm at home cooking again. I think I'll get out for some fresh air later, cos that always cheers me up. And no work again tomorrow, which is also good isn't it? And I'm making my way through my list of jobs to do. Partly I'm clearing stuff out of the house cos I think I may go before long - not something I'm sharing, but there we are. I also want to buy myself some new clothes for the summer - I'm so sick of dressing in old stuff. Not that I want to spend a fortune, but it's getting depressing. Need to go and see mum as well - I'm just a bit afraid I may blurt out what's happening, and then who knows what might happen?

I'm also getting a bit creeped out by the doc - I see he's on line but he won't talk to me. But then, I don't talk to him either, I guess. It's just like he's checking me out. Just when I was thinking we could meet up in spain as well. I wonder if I should send a message - he must know I'm off the site - I miss him you know. Well, last day of the holiday tomorrow - wish I could remember when the bm said he'd be back. Hope it's tomorrow - but I am still ticked off. You know, I should stop all this second guessing and what's he thinking rubbish and just take it as it comes - you know at face value. Men say what they mean, and that's the end of it. All I have to do is believe them isn't it? Sounds so easy doesn't it? xx