Too good to be true?

Well, I'm damned sure I've written that title before. But it's all feeling a bit too great if you know what I mean. I'm having such a lovely correspondence with the swimmer and having not heard from the bm for days and wondering what the hell is really going on - yes, I know I'm doing it again and reading too much into things I think. He said he couldn't make it, and he's sorry - but I'm thinking, oh god, it's all over and he's going to marry her and move in together. Honestly. Barmy isn't it? At least I've got the sense to know it's barmy.

But I'm getting on so well with the swimmer - it's so strange and kind of wonderful. We started out as buddies - and we've just got so close. He's got a great sense of humour and I just think he could be wonderful. We talk a lot about books and pretty deep subjects, and sex and other halves and everything really. Well, if you believe people come into your life for a reason, and we both do - well why are we here together? He's even mentioned the L-word - as in what it means to him, and in relation to where we are heading. Could be. Boy do we connect on a higher level - he also loves women and sex so how can I go wrong? This is all getting very complex isn't it?

On a lighter note, I heard from the golfer who is fine. Been working hard on the house - he is good at all that stuff. And I really think of him as a good friend who I sleep with - and he is spectacularly good in bed. I don't think it's ever been better, with anyone. And he's damned well hung - and that in itself is a marvellous thing you know - don't believe any of this crap about size doesn't matter - there's no comparison really xxxx

Swimming?

Well, here I am, pretending to work, and waiting to see if the bm is about as promised. He owes me at least a conversation I think. Maybe not. I am really ticked off about next week - I haven't actually had sex since the golfer and boy was that a long time ago. Still, maybe he'll make it up to me.

I am however getting such gorgeous sexy messages ( and actually very romantic) from the swimmer, I'm tempted to switch horses here. Mind you, do I have to give up one for the other at this stage? Don't think so. No guilt, no rules - what fun! He writes such wonderful stuff, I feel quite overcome - we were even wondering if we could meet in our dreams - maybe we already do - heady stuff isn't it? Well, if we could do half the stuff he writes about, I'd be a happy bunny to be honest. What a lucky girl, really - despite the recent drought - maybe things will pick up soon. A definite hot date in june if not before. xxx

Bad news and good vibes!

What an odd day! Well, I've had some bad news from the bm - he can't make it next week. Seems his ladyfriend surprised him with some theatre tickets - cow! So there we are - I still want to keep things low key. Humph. Well, it took me ages to find a bit of equilibrium - had a bit of a vent to my friend in the states - and some chocolate - and felt a lot better. Then, and only then, I sent back a short and to the point message. Don't worry, you're worth waiting for. Not bad, eh - especially as I was considering hurting something at one point!

Still he'd better get a move on - I had such a wonderful message from the swimmer. We've really moved onto a bit of a different level you know - it was so fabulously naughty, I couldn't believe it! What have I done to deserve this. He wants me to go to france as well - I said, well yes in theory, but, well you know. And he's told the others on the website - this could be interesting. You know, I've never seen him, but I just know we'd be okay - odd, isn't it? He knows I'm seeing someone, and doesn't really care. God, all these years with no men and now I'm spoilt for choice.

You know, I had a bit of a moment at work. My colleague was saying how one of the students was really sexy looking and she wished she looked like her. Well, I said (now, I didn't mean this bitchily even if it reads that way) that I thought she'd look like she'd just walked out of auschwitz without her clothes on - and boy that ain't sexy. Well, she disagreed, and I thought, hell, what do you know? I've got a husband and two lovers, babe, and look at me! And it seems another one panting on the leash - just goes to show doesn't it - it's always the quiet ones (like me!!) xxxx

Life is good!

It's all good today; nothing much has happened, but I'm feeling very happy and positive - maybe it's the weather. Had a verrrry interesting chat with my best mate at work today. You'll remember she has a similar situation to me - and her husband is a little skinny guy. Well, she said how much she likes big guys - like this guy she knows. They're actually very close. I said, god, me too - actually thinking about the golfer - gosh, thought he'd break a rib once or twice - but boy it'd be worth it! I said, I reckon if things were different, you'd be with him. She said, oh yes, definitely. Well! And I don't think it would take much you know. From what she says he has an enormous appetite for life - and what is more attractive than that?

We also talked about going on holiday together sometime - how great would that be? She said, do you think we'd fall out? I said, no chance. We've worked together three years, and never even got irritable with each other have we? She knows my situation better than anyone, and she's been so great - I think she may suspect, but she doesn't know. And if she knew, I know she wouldn't tell!! Such a good friend.

Hoping to hear from the bm tonight - dd has gone back to uni, so he might be around I guess. Also heard from the swimmer - he's so entertaining - wonder what he actually looks like - but then I find a sense of humour so attractive. He's got to book a hotel for next week - not long now. Gosh xxxxx

Busy and wonderful!

What a lovely week I've had. Work has been just great, and I've felt really appreciated by my bosses despite the fact that we're really busy and so forth. I've gone out doing some really nice things, and got paid for it - not bad, I feel, lounging about eating ice cream - gosh! Also had a couple of emails from my guys - ooh my golfer misses me so much, how sweet. Seeing him in June I hope. And I'm having such an interesting correspondence with the swimmer. We are scarily on the same wavelength you know - it's all getting very spiritual and actually rather cool. Like him a lot. And feel like I've made a friend. How peculiar, but it feels very real in fact. I wonder if we'll ever meet.

But .... the main news is the bm got in touch, and boy was he pleased to speak to me. Our meeting is still on, and we had such a lovely chat. I might gush again, so I'm sorry, but it's amazing how well we get on. I really like him and also admire him for what he's achieved in life - but the strange and wonderful thing is, he feels the same about me - because we move in such different worlds don't we? But what an intoxicating thing, to have someone that great tell you you're wonderful - gosh! I also tease him and take the mickey on a regular basis - something I can't imagine happens to him all that often - and we have a lot of fun. Can something this wonderful go on for long I wonder? I guess we'll see won't we?

I'm also feeling a lot more relaxed about the future and life and what's happening and so forth. This is due to some conversations with the swimmer, and the feeling and belief that things happen for a reason, and work themselves out in the fullness of time and all that. I like this idea - but I do think you have to make things happen too - but listening out for the things and people that will change your life - I like that idea a lot. Strange - but I'm going to read some more about this and see what I think. It could give me a lot of answers to my own situation couldn't it? xxx

More grief at work!

Yes, it's beach weather and it's glorious. Went walking along the beach today, ogling the lovely men and eating ice cream - yes, I was working - want my job? Well, it wasn't all plain sailing - you know I said there was lots of new people? Well, already there's a difficult atmosphere - and the really difficult people haven't come back yet! Wait till they do, there'll be bloodshed!

Nice thing is, my boss really appreciates me and my besty friend so much - we're really the only people she can talk to, and she knows it won't go any further. I don't think she's trusting the witch so much these days either. Also talked to me about the next few weeks, and was very positive - I guess that's why I'm employed all year, cos I can do anything (yes, that's what she said!) So feeling very appreciated and valued today. Maybe I'll get a payrise too - yes, I will, I'm due one this month - great!

So, I'm still missing my bm - where is he? I bet he's with her - grrrr. Never mind, think calming thoughts. Still talking to the crazy swimmer, who is a very wise person to talk to about the state of my marriage and all that - my guardian angel. He keeps telling me, you know where you're going now, just don't rush it for no reason, the universe will help you and things will work out for the best. You'll see. I like that. In my mind I'm planning a future, and it's quite exciting you know. Soon.

Anyhow, two weeks tomorrow, yummmmmy. Seems like an eternity doesn't it? I think his daughter's still home, which may explain the inability to get online. Being generous here I think. But how hard is an email or something?? Might go have a calming bubble bath and then see if he's about - yes a good plan. And wax the terrible legs perhaps. Etc.... xxx

Monday!

Monday again and back to work - lots of new people around, so that made a nice change. The witch was back, but honestly didn't see a lot of her - fine with me. And spent the afternoon out with a group, so that was a nice easy day really.

Heard from the lovely golfer today - told me he liked naughty girls like me - haha - I told him I was meeting someone else, and he's rooting for me. He's such a good friend - exactly what I was looking for really. Shame we can't meet up a little more, but he is a spectacularly good lay, so it takes me a while to get over it - I couldn't take that every day - blimey!!

Hoping I might hear from the bm tonight - I know he's ever so busy though, but honestly! I do think he goes on looking for me quite a lot though - and I've been making myself fairly unavailable lately - I think that's a good thing, don't you? Might ask the golfer about him you know - his advice could be useful - he is very wise.

I think the oh tried something last night - easily put off though - trouble is, I had a pretty damn vivid dream/hallucination thing at the time that he was someone else - not someone I'd slept with, but someone from work - someone rather hot actually. Goodness. Didn't even know I fancied him - how strange - well, that kind of put me off my stride as you can imagine. And I was really tired - but that's a weak excuse. I really think I just need a damned good seeing to - two weeks and a bit if all goes well - can't wait - no, honestly, I can't!!! xxxx

Mad!

A nice quiet weekend - partly because I'm skint, and partly because I never hear from any of my fave men at the weekend - blah! Still, I probably needed the peace and quiet, cos now it will get really busy at work. And also the return of the beastly colleague who upset me so much the other week. Now, you know I'm not upset about this any more, not even a little bit. I just feel quite shocked she could be quite so vindictive to someone she'd been working with for such a long time. Must hate me, haha. But I think honestly it might be a jealousy thing now I've thought about it. She's a very uptight sort of a person actually, but tries to sell herself as a free-thinker. I think she may suspect just what a free-thinker I am!! But I'm never going to trust her with any of my secrets, don't worry. However, I am working on the 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer' wisdom - and I do think it is wise. Won't trust her an inch!

Hoping I might hear from the bm tonight - but as the weather's so nice, perhaps I won't. We'll see. Been speaking to the dj a little more. He worries me a lot - I almost want to sleep with him just to cheer him up. He needs it. But perhaps he needs a friend a lot more actually - he's had a bad time you know for one reason and another. And I've also been perusing my lovely photos - and they are - definitely doing more of that I think. How bad!

God it's two weeks till I'll see him - how will I bear it? Maybe it'll be so busy at work it'll fly by? Maybe. I've also got a party to plan for my birthday - not big, but some things to do. I guess it won't seem so long will it? I wonder where we're meeting this time? I've missed him you know - yes, I really do need my head examining don't I? xxxx

Kindred Spirits

It's funny but since I've been having my affairs, I've found lots of people in similar relationships. Now, not in real life, but on the internet - although I have a friend who I'm pretty damn sure gets even less action than me - she's actually my only friend who may have an inkling of what I'm up to. So as you know, I've been chatting to this crazy guy who is in a sexless marriage, and boy what a laugh we've had. He's just hilarious, and gives me tips to use with my guys (brilliant!). It's so great.

But this last week, I've also been chatting with a lady, similar age to me, who is having an affair. Well, we're almost like twins the way our lives are going - and it's been so nice chatting about things with someone in the same boat! Her guy refuses to admit to having an affair - apparently it's just sex - so she calls him 'my sex man'. Hilarious! He's done this quite a lot and isn't ever going to leave his wife or anything - and there's a certain honesty about that isn't there? But we both feel that it will be nice to have someone who really understands to talk to - and it so is!! Plus we talk a lot at the weekend, which is usually a stupidly quiet time for me, so it kind of fills a gap.

Well, I've got two weeks to wait for the bm - and I'm seeing the golfer in June - he sent a message today - sweet man! So, it's rather frustrating isn't it?? I've also been chatting regularly with the dj, who is so messed up. I'm still not sure I could cope with him - must reply soon actually. But the weather is gorgeous and things always seems better in the sunshine, don't they. However, was talking to the mad swimmer, and he said he thought we were very similar - both want to leave, but biding our time and making plans - yes, that's me.

Wow, and I applied for a job. Now this might well take me away during the week - I could live in the big city - and boy could I get up to some mischief if I did. The bm lives there (now, just imagine that - swoon) and the golfer is not far. Boy, this could really work out to my advantage couldn't it? It would be like being single again. And if my ultimate plan is to go, it would be a more gradual way of doing it, wouldn't it? What an amazing thought - see I always thought the universe would slowly sort things out, didn't I? xxxx

Photos!

Well, I just got sent some photos on my email. Remember after my day with the golfer, he took some photos - he's just sent them to me. Wow, are they hot and sexy. I've never done that before, and I must say I was a bit unhappy at first, but what the hell, they're worth it. It's really quite hot to see yourself in action isn't it? Boy, isn't this a year for firsts!



I also went sailing today - for work (tough job, eh?). We sailed right by the hotel I met the bm in. It did occur to me to wonder if anyone had been sailing by when we were there, cos they might have had quite a show from the sea you know! But then, it was really cold then, so I guess it was ok - who cares, anyhow?



You know, I feel such a difference in my mood now I'm not permanently cold - and I also feel much more horny. Which is not a good thing is it? I'm not seeing the bm for a couple of weeks - will tear him to pieces when I get there. What is a girl to do, especially when she's all turned on by the hot photos?? Dammit, got to see that guy more often - two months? I can get it that often at home - yes, I know, it's not a patch is it? And I'm stupidly skint at the moment, so I can't even go shopping to cheer myself up - look out next week though! I'm hitting the underwear department like a woman possessed - got to look good for my close ups!! xxx

Perfect!

Well, I heard from the man of the moment last night, and he seemed so pleased to speak to me - how lovely. Had a brilliant conversation too - god, this is just so easy. And we've arranged to meet again in a couple of weeks - gosh.

Now things are getting more busy at work but I think it'll be fine - I just may be a bit tired for a couple of days, that's all. I also had a serious chat with the lovely dj over the last few days - he's not too good, but on the mend I think. I don't know, I like him, but I've told him I'm seeing someone else and he's being all chivalrous - that's fine for the moment though, isn't it. And I also think he needs some time.

And I've got a few nice things lined up for the next few days - like going sailing - gorgeous. And the weather just gets better and better. The last time I met up with the bm it was minus 2 - that's how long ago it was!! That's got to improve in the future, hasn't it? We're meeting in the afternoon, and I'm going to come home - we both said let's save an overnight for going somewhere we could go out together - in public!! How nice. Better go shopping - and not just for underwear either.

You know he reckons my students fantasise about me when I'm teaching - I said, come off it, I'm too old - he said, no I know they do! Which I found rather disturbing actually - and tried desperately not to think about today. But thinking about it, he must just think I'm rather hot - and how lovely is that! I still hope they're not though! xxx

Clear Out!

I'm clearing out rubbish - it's quite exhilarating. Shame you can't do it with people too isn't it? (well, I suppose you can if you're totally heartless) Anyhow, it's such a worthwhile thing to do - amazing how it lifts your mood. I guess it feels like you're moving forward somehow, doesn't it?

Well, I haven't done much socially this weekend, but I do feel like I have achieved a fair bit - and I do feel rested too, which is good. I do think your home fills up with junk when you feel down and depressed, so getting rid can only be good. And gives you room to be a bit more organised too.

Also sorting out the underwear drawer - I have been going over the top - lovely. And the wardrobe too - I am looking forward to buying some new things now. And I've been writing - go me. I've written roughly half of my novel, so need to get cracking and finish. I got a bit of impetus from hearing that someone I know has written a novel and thinks she has a publisher, dammit! Well, if she can, so can I! Why not! And what's more, that would give me much more independence wouldn't it?

You know, I do love my job, but I could certainly live without it. And it would be so appealing to just write for a couple of hours and then have the day to myself, wouldn't it? Wow, all that time for naughty stuff. And actually, I love writing - just need to get down to it a little more. Great, things are moving forward.

Is he back tonight? I can't remember what he said now. Shall I make myself available or not - well, I may well be writing anyway, so I guess it can't hurt to look. Getting somewhat frustrated now, cos it's been a good while, hasn't it? A month I think. And I'm premenstrual still which doesn't help. Grrrrr! Need to think calming thoughts. xxx

Disappointed?

This may turn into a bit of a rant, so I'll apologize in advance. I'm feeling a bit pre-menstrual and also a bit annoyed. Well the problem is the oh has now given up all pretence of not smoking - and I feel disappointed. We were both going to make an effort to make things better and get on and so on. Well it seems to me this consists of him doing just the bloody same, while I have to be very careful to shut up about anything that might upset him. You know, I think the smoking may be a huge factor in the not wanting to have sex thing - and it also makes it very unpleasant when we do. Someone coughing up phlegm all over you at the moment of climax just makes you want to never do it again, believe me.


So, it's obviously not going to get any better in the future is it? Makes me think, definitely. I told him I would get a lover once, you know, and he didn't believe me. Well, I wouldn't have believed me once, but not any more. So I continue to shut up and seeth because I know if I say anything he'll call me names again and somehow it'll all be my fault. Can't live like this forever you know. And would you blame me?

So it's Sunday, and I'm at home cooking again. I think I'll get out for some fresh air later, cos that always cheers me up. And no work again tomorrow, which is also good isn't it? And I'm making my way through my list of jobs to do. Partly I'm clearing stuff out of the house cos I think I may go before long - not something I'm sharing, but there we are. I also want to buy myself some new clothes for the summer - I'm so sick of dressing in old stuff. Not that I want to spend a fortune, but it's getting depressing. Need to go and see mum as well - I'm just a bit afraid I may blurt out what's happening, and then who knows what might happen?

I'm also getting a bit creeped out by the doc - I see he's on line but he won't talk to me. But then, I don't talk to him either, I guess. It's just like he's checking me out. Just when I was thinking we could meet up in spain as well. I wonder if I should send a message - he must know I'm off the site - I miss him you know. Well, last day of the holiday tomorrow - wish I could remember when the bm said he'd be back. Hope it's tomorrow - but I am still ticked off. You know, I should stop all this second guessing and what's he thinking rubbish and just take it as it comes - you know at face value. Men say what they mean, and that's the end of it. All I have to do is believe them isn't it? Sounds so easy doesn't it? xx

Absence?

So I didn't hear from the bm last night - which is okay I guess - but maybe not. It does tick me off just a bit - but I'm consoling myself with the absence makes the heart grow fonder nonsense. I wonder if that's true - or if it just makes you not give a bugger. Still, can spend the weekend pampering myself and sorting out a few loose ends which need doing. Was a horrible morning, rain coming down in sheets - so we walked miles with the dog - got home soaked. Was quite exhilarating. Had sex this morning too, which was much less so.

You know, had a good chat with a dog walking mate. His wife left him a few years ago - he was telling me how he had no idea anything was wrong - but she just packed up and said, I won't be back, okay? Had another chap. Now, how on earth do I react to that? Was difficult. But I kind of admired her just doing what she wanted - but then it is easier when no kids are involved or anything isn't it? She did stitch him up in a major way over the house though - I'm not sure I could do that and live with myself - in fact I'm sure I couldn't. Wouldn't want to either.

You know, I think I've ticked off two of my guys - which is not such a bad thing really is it, I was getting a bit greedy. I saw today that the doc was online - but no message or anything. I think he's cross with me cos I told him I talked to other guys. Well, I'm not even on the site now. I also think I've upset the dj - I told him I was seeing someone else too - but I get the feeling with him he wants a serious relationship, no messing. I'm not quite ready for that yet you know. Although I think if I'm honest, that's what I hope will happen with the bm - but in the fullness of time, you know? Like the golfer so much, but there's not really that connection like there is with him. Wow, that was honest and a bit scary. But it is how I feel you know. And how ridiculous is that after such a short time. I think I need to grow a thicker skin and play a few more games - but it's not me you know. I always used to get terribly wounded by men when I was younger - this feels just the same - vulnerable. Not a pleasant place to be in truth - perhaps I need to play it all a bit more cool, hmmm?

Kissing!

Wow, kissing - wow! God, I miss kissing so much - my oh never kisses me even when we have sex - and you know how often that is! I woke up dreaming about being kissed last night - hot - and guess who by? My bm is some great kisser I can tell you - golly - but then he's good at a lot of things too. No sign of him yet tonight, but I'm not waiting around forever, humph. He's not the only great kisser in the universe.

I've had a nice day today - we got up early and went for a walk on the beach with the dog - now I enjoy this, but I do wonder if it's a ruse to avoid having sex. But then, I'm not sure I don't prefer walking on the beach to sex with the oh, lol. Oh, how terrible is that! I had a lovely afternoon nap as well - oh, how decadent! And I've arranged to go to spain in september - it is a kind of work related thing, but I think could also be great fun- and doesn't involve much work really. Yes, I have to go on my own - what a shame. You think I could manage some extra-curricular spanish? Sounds appealing doesn't it? I shall be with mostly well-to-do spanish businessmen - just my types methinks. Do you think it would be unprofessional to boff one or two as well? No, neither do I! Must check out flights - the sooner I book the better.

Well, I'm working through my list of things to accomplish this year, and I do think I'm doing rather well, especially as it's only April. To review, I am going to glastonbury and spain; I have seen an opera; I have two lovers; I still want to get a tattoo; go to a literary festival; get my book published; and go to a cricket match, amongst other things. And of course, it goes without saying that I have saved bugger all - but my debts are much much smaller than they were, so that's good. But this year is sure turning out to be more fun than last year, which I spent a huge part of feeling completely suicidal, or at least depressed. Life is definitely meant to be fun you know - and I'm absolutely not going to live by other people's rules any more. Let the world beware, haha!! xxx

April!

Well, it's 'english april mad day' as someone called it today!! Love it. And I do feel a bit mad - bm sent a short message saying he was going out - well I sent an even shorter one back - could even be out tomorrow, ha! And he's away for the weekend, too.

Finished work in a big damp squib this afternoon - don't have to work with the beastly one for a while anyway, but got some rather ambitious types next week - they just get on my nerves a bit. I just wish they'd stop talking shop long enough for me to have a cuppa in peace sometimes. Still, could be worse, at least they haven't stabbed me in the back, yet. But a lovely long weekend to eat chocolate and relax, what could be better. I guess the weather could be, but you can't have it all - some sex would be nice, though - but it's not a blue moon yet, is it??

I've mentioned my new friend - he's a swimmer - he sent me a virtual gift, how sweet - with a message, to my favourite bunny-boiler. I like his sense of humour. So I sent him a rhino - due to a rather long discussion about rhino sex. Perhaps you had to be there, but it was and is fun. And a nice pick me up when other men are too bloody busy to pass the time of day. Ooooh feeling bitter, or is it PMT?? Needing that chocolate now. Have a lovely april mad day, and a great easter - and don't let the weather get you down, english people! xx