Hurrah!

I'm in such a good mood now - everything is going so well - I just heard from the doc. He's on call so he had to shoot off. Still a little depressed I couldn't meet him in London, but there we are. I did the right thing, for reasons too many and various to explain. Glad he hasn't forgotten me. Also had a nice chat with the sailor - who is much calmer today - but very pissed off. Turns out he took out his wife - bought her two birthday presents - drove her to a show - bought dinner - paid for everyone and the daughter and the boyfriend he doesn't like. Well, what did he get for all this - fuck all - not even a thank you or a peck on the cheek. Disgraceful.

Well, this is interesting, cos he said he agreed with the previous lady he was seeing, who said it was his own fault. No, I said, I don't agree. I think you're being nice, doing all the right things and so forth and she's just being rude - it's her problem, and don't you dare blame yourself just for being good to her. I also said I thought the previous lady said things like that because she perhaps had her own agenda - manipulative bitch, I think. She obviously saw the watch and stuff and thought, hey I want some of that! Please, I'm not like that really! Honestly. I mean, I've tried to convince myself I could be but I'm just a failure at all that. I just really really like him, and it makes me cross that he's treated so badly. I actually shed some tears, when I thought he was bailing on me - what a shock - but there we are. Too soft for my own good.

So, my two lovely men have cheered me up something lovely - which is great, cos the one at home is a dead loss at the moment. Have been seriously thinking about going. Honestly. Not a good moment I know, but is it ever? Maybe think about it all after christmas. Do you know though - and this is a terrible thing to say - he's always so tired and buggered, and he coughs all the time - I mean really coughs, you know? - I just wonder sometimes if there isn't something really wrong with him. I mean, all that smoking can't have helped, can it? And the loss of libido, well that could also be a symptom of something else couldn't it? It's not right, is it? He's not that old - some men have kids in their eighties. So, it makes me think, actually if that's the case, could I live with myself? But then his dad lived till eighty something, but he did have one lung removed. What a depressing thought - but I can honestly see that we might start living seperate lives soon, and without too much acrimony I think. I guess if I was happy with things, I wouldn't be here though, would I?xxx