Flux?

Strange this time of year - it's neither one thing nor the other - just waiting now for new year. And my favourite men are not about to talk to - although it's probably good to give some attention to the one at home isn't it? It's odd to wonder where we'll all be this time next year - will I still be here, will things still be the same?? Do I need something to push me out of this, or would I be better staying and making the best?? Who knows.

I've been out walking quite a bit the last few days which has been nice - really would like to lose a few pounds this year, especially with the important birthday looming. And it has been lovely to recharge the batteries a bit, and catch up with old friends.

Got a lot of plans for the new year, and I've even listed them! Last year was unusual for me though, cos I am usually moving forward all the time, but last year felt like nothing changed at all. I suppose I did meet my lovely men though, and that took a lot of time and effort, but was very worthwhile I think. Missed the doc last night - I think he must have been on call, cos he sent a message, but when I replied he was gone - dammit.

Anyway, not much to say today, except have a lovely new year, and who knows what it may bring - hopefully good things for us all. Off to read my favourite blogger, dirtyboy, wow he hits the mark. Take care all xxxx

A new leaf?

Turning one over, is what I mean. It's nearly the new year and I'm feeling really optimistic about lots of things. So I've been making plans and lists and really enjoying myself doing so. I do think last year was a much better year in some ways because I did, and I plan on doing even more this year. Main plans are to finally sort out my financial situation. Made some inroads today as I have sold some stuff online - just got to remember to post them tomorrow! Also need to make some quite serious money, so I'm going to finish my novel - who knows - people buy books, why not mine? And anyway, I do love writing! Also going to pursue the private lessons avenue - I know people want lessons, and I know I'd be good at it, it's just how to go about it. Okay, the plan's in place, just got to go for it now.

Actually read something interesting about how money buys you freedom - you know, I couldn't agree more! I've felt in a trap for a long time now - yes partly it's my own doing. But I need some more freedom in my life - at the moment I'm trapped in a house with a man who won't have sex with me, dammit! You know, that needs to change, and it will. And for god's sake, I've tried every avenue with the oh, so to hell with it - I'm absolutely not going to feel bad. I need it, I'm only human.

Message from the sailor this morning - love him - and I'm wondering if the doc will be about later. Gutted I missed him.

So roll on the new year, cos I'm feeling good about so many things. Also have a landmark birthday this year and I refuse to feel my age - no, it's just a number and I feel better than I have for years. Take care, and back to my plans xxxxx

Thoughtful?

Well, Christmas is done, New Year is coming and goodness me, so many people I've spoken to have had a really horrible time. Isn't it stupid actually, spending all that money and then having a rotten time. Of course a lot is to do with spending it with horrible family members - but for most of the people I've spoken to, this is not the first time. So I don't really understand why they would keep on doing the same thing every year??

We had a smashing time despite the complete lack of significant funding - but then I do think you have to know how to kick back and have a good time even when things are at their darkest! So the good thing is I didn't overspend - the bad thing was, I didn't have it to spend anyway.

Feeling quite thoughtful now about the new year and what it might bring. Some planning needed I think, cos despite what everyone seems to think, I am bloody well not going to work all year without a break. No. I need some fun in my life. Also need to sort out my bloody finances somehow - I do feel the whole thing is draining my life spirit away, so must get on top of it all.

Maybe I'll make a list of things to do this year, which will include having sex and being very naughty with lovely men. Yes, I think so. I was talking to one of my best friends last night about internet dating. Her friend, whose marriage has split up, has been online trying to meet someone and has had no luck at all - well how about that? Maybe she's just looking in the wrong places. Mind you, I know that she was in the local wife swapping group - so I don't think she's half so prudish as she makes out - probably why her marriage ended if the truth be known.

Well, obviously I didn't relate my success stories, but I do think I've been quite lucky - I now have three men I talk to regularly, and who, quite honestly I would sleep with tomorrow - it's just the logistics that are difficult at the moment. Next year will be different. I know it.

And despite it being christmas, I heard from the lovely doc last night. Sadly, I wasn't here. I'm not sure if he was a bit drunk, cos his spelling was worse than usual - have I mentioned he is dyslexic? So maybe it's just as well I missed him. But I'm glad he was in touch after his feeling so guilty last week - we're in it for the long haul me and him - and also the sailor I think.

Anyway, think I'll go and write some lists - always a good start. When I stop feeling quite so hungover I think I'll feel quite optimistic about the new year - god it's been a hard year, and in some ways I'll be glad to see the back of it - but nevertheless, there's always good things, and that's sure been true for me. xxxx

Xmas Eve

One of my favourite days - all the rubbish is finished - just relaxing, fun, eating and family. Does make me feel a little 'what the hell am I doing' - but honestly only for a moment. Still getting texts from the sailor who is feeling very reflective (and randy, poor thing) and tell me how happy he is we found each other - well, me too.

He's away with the family or something - he never does talk much about where or how - but it does make you feel a little like everyone else has perfect lives, doesn't it, this time of year, and I think he's feeling that today. Hope he has a nice time.

Anyway, everyone descending on me in the next few hours, including extremely computer literate children, so I'll be steering clear of incriminating places on the web - including here. So, here' s hoping everyone has a lovely christmas - not too many rows and things - and am looking forward to next year and all my plans will start to work out. Take care everyone xxx

Almost a mistress??

It's funny, isn't it? This time of year - I'm already getting shoved aside in favour of the family - lucky I have my own isn't it, cos I can imagine just how miserable it must be being a mistress in the festive season. However, I'm still not getting any of the benefits of the situation, and that has to change soon! I do remember a possible night away in January was mentioned by the sailor - so that sounds hopeful doesn't it? If not I'm damned well going to Spain and getting laid, so there!

I think the doc is avoiding me - well, yes maybe he's busy - but I log on and he disappears - ho hum. Must still be the guilt! It's not right is it - I mean, he said he hadn't had sex in fifteen years, and hell, you're a long time dead aren't you? That's what I think anyway.

Christmas is nearly here though and is unstoppable - the momentum just gets mad doesn't it? Still have things to do, but I'm pretty on top of it - and more to the point, I think I may not be penniless in the new year, which will be nice. God, this poverty has to change. xxx

Chasing my tail!

Well, I've finally realised it's nearly christmas and I actually do have to get my head out of the sand! You know, I really don't like all the panic and consumerism and everything, but then, when it actually starts and the family's here and everything, it is really nice. So I guess I'll just bite the bullet and get on with it. This is me having a break haha.

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I do have another man (!) I'm not sure what to call him, so I'll call him scouse, cos he comes from there and supports Everton. He's so nice, and we've had a couple of real heart to heart chats; which we did last night. His wife walked out on him and left him with the kids - and there's seven of them! I'm so impressed by how he copes with all this - and he is just lovely to talk to - even though we argue about football! He knows my situation too, and tells me life's too short - he's right, you know. So now I have three favourite men I think, and a few that I just have mucky little chats with.

Actually, I'm getting a bit fed up with a couple of those - you know, they just fuck off when they're done and don't talk to you again - nice. I guess it's the cyber-sex equivalent of rolling over and snoring! So maybe I'll spend less time doing that, and more time writing. Need to make money, and really I am very good at mucky talk, so why not. Things will definitely be better next year, and I absolutely plan on having some sex - and maybe I'll go and watch Everton too?? xxx

Guilty?

Well, just talked to the doc again - first time after last week's wonderfulness. He told me he'd felt guilty all week - and I just felt angry - how could he spoil this for me? But then I guess he can't help how he feels. This seems to be a recurring theme actually, doesn't it? Except by me I have to say. Interesting. You know, I think I thought so long and hard (!) about actually doing this that by the time I got to it, I just didn't feel guilt at all - I'd thought it through and that was that.

And I have to say, I still prefer my two lovely men from IE to the guys I meet on Imvu, which is just not the same thing at all. I do think there's some weird games being played on there, so I just play them right back and take it for what it is. OK. But my men - no, that's real - definitely. We have relationships now, and that's it for me. Sure, I wouldn't tell them about each other, but guilt doesn't come into it - I'm just so happy to have them in my life.

Had a couple of conversations lately about the weirdness of meeting people this way - strange, huh? But, no, I don't think anyone's on to me, so not to worry. There is still a lot of prejudice against it - and actually, is it any better to meet someone when you're drunk - which, honestly, is what most of us do - or I guess when you're working. I don't think so, and I do know many many people now who it's been successful for. Not about to disclose my findings though, haha! Anyway, should hear from the sailor tomorrow - and, hey, no work!!! See you xxx

Holiday!!

Well, I've actually finished work for Christmas - what a relief - I don't think it would be so tiring if I had known from the start I'd be working right through - but all the stopping and starting was a complete pain. So, two weeks off. Will be having a good old think about many many things in my life during that time. Had a bit of a heads up about a possible job today - won't get my hopes up too much, but my goodness it's much better paid than what I'm doing. Trouble is, I can see myself getting tied into this whole - got to stay for my pension thing. No, perhaps not for me. Would much rather work abroad or something I think.

Sailor is working hard at the moment - as he works outside a lot, he's a bit pissed off - cos it's really excessively cold at the moment. And also not really in the mood for naughtiness. Well, he was a bit today - let's hope we can change that in the new year, hmmmm? Still waiting to hear from the doc - maybe he's feeling guilty again - I do hope not - where's the harm??

You know, I really do feel like I need to sort out my financial situation somehow this year - not having any money certainly curtails your freedom you know - and now the kids are off my hands, I sure do want to be free! Talking to my mate today, who has set up a business selling on ebay - maybe my own business is the way to go ultimately. I know I had a conversation with another mate and we were discussing how hard it would be to set up on our own - not too hard we thought. And then there's working for myself. Some things to think on, isn't there? Not sure about a partnership though - can so often be a recipe for disaster.

But the point is, there's so many things I want to do, and places I want to see, and I need money and freedom to do that. And I'm not getting any younger - so want to stop working one day - maybe soon! So maybe that's actually the most important thing to think about these holidays. Leave the naughty thoughts alone for a while and actually get yourself sorted!! Food for thought, isn't it??

Lovely!

Haven't quite got over the weekend yet - so I took a couple of days before I thought I could write about it. Well, everyone went out (football!) so I was home alone - and on the phone to the doc. Well my god, what can I say - I'm not sure this isn't better than real sex - just fantastic - couldn't even stand up for about twenty minutes. Wow. He's got the most naughty voice - omg - and even though he said he didn't like to talk, well, my goodness he made a good effort for a beginner. I've been thinking about it and feeling all peculiar ever since.

He did say, do you think you prefer this to the real thing - but I said hell no, I still want to get together - absolutely. So we've promised each other that we definitely will soon in the new year. Will be just fabulous I know it. He's still my absolute favourite. Got a message today on the site, but I don't really know if I can be bothered - it always seem to be such a lot of anxiety and effort for a while, and then they just go off the radar. Well, that's happened a few times. But then, not my two favourites, who are mine all mine. Maybe I shouldn't be so greedy hmmmm?

Also heard from the sailor, but we seem to be missing each other a lot the last couple of weeks. Still, as I said before, I'm absolutely not giving up on him - he is just so sweet and yummy. No way. Not even if we have a long wait. He hasn't said any more about what I said about the other woman, and how I thought she was talking rubbish and had her own agenda - but I do think it was appreciated and made him think a lot. Cos I don't really have an agenda, and no real interest in manipulating my men particularly - like I think she did - cos I think I'd go right off them anyway if I did! I think he now knows I'm here for the long haul and not for what I can get out of it - and if not I'm off sort of thing. Just really like his company you know - and if we do get together, so much the better - but I am sort of annoyed with the other woman for a) actually having had him overnight and b) having made his oh so suspicious that it's almost impossible for him to get away.

You know, I do wonder if she did something - you know, a letter or something. Maybe that would explain all the problems he has. Might ask him what he thinks tomorrow. In the meantime, looking out for the doc. See you xxxx

Work, work, work!

Had a very busy week due in part to the sickliness of health freak aforementioned colleague (haha) and her dicky back. Apparently as the faith healing, acupuncture, and assorted other crap didn't work, she's now having cortisone injections (!!!!) Bit much really isn't it? But, you know, looking back at last year, she did exactly the same thing at this time of year, and I stepped in again - my friends at work are saying, hey, just keep the reliable one hmmm? And interestingly, I think my boss is losing patience also. Ho hum.

It's also extremely cold here, which makes me just want to crawl into a hole, and keep warm until spring. Don't particularly want to be going to work in the dark thank you. Still, maybe will go abroad next year - tentative plan at the moment, but quite possible. But also worried about spending too much on gas and stuff so switching the heating off as often as I can stand it. God, depressing.

But, the good thing is, I now have more to spend on christmas - woohoo. Been talking all week to my sailor, who has cheered up immensely since his little crisis. But, unfortunately he's also been really busy working, so keep missing each other dammit. I am hoping I might hear from the doc today, but I know he's busy cos of swine flu. So one more week at work, and then two weeks of lovely leisure - gorgeous xxxxxx

Problem Solved?

Well, I think I may have done a bad thing. Let me explain - in our family it is said the women have certain 'gifts'. Now, come on, you know what I mean, you've all watched the movies. And honestly, it has happened more than once, that if someone has severely pissed off one of us, then something bad happens to them. Well, aforementioned teacher who annoyed me so much yesterday - really - has just been taken really very ill - well a bad back, so at least she's not in mortal danger. Yesterday, she told me basically, that I should ring my daughter and tell her how to do her job (yes, it's a long story, and yes does have quite a lot to do with her revolting know it all husband). Well, I said, no way, never, come off it. But was very annoyed about it. And today she's sick. A bit spooky this sometimes, but maybe it is just a coincidence.

Of course, the good thing is that I get an awful lot more work between now and christmas - hurrah! Enough to make quite a difference I think, so that's a good thing, isn't it? The bad thing was, while I was discussing all this with my boss, my lovely sailor was waiting in vain for my smutty texts as promised - dammit. Never mind, he does seem to have cheered up though - I think it was partly all those germans in rubber on a programme we both watched - hahahaha.

Also, talked to the doc last night. Boy, did I miss out in London. Dammit again. Am genuinely annoyed about this, you know! He also said he's been chucked out of home again - well maybe staying out of the way is a better way to put it. Poor thing - but he's staying at the surgery - so he doesn't mind too much - better than the crap at home apparently. But I did say, hey are you going to spain again next year - yes of course, he said. Well, can I come? Hmm, don't know, you let me down once. But he'll let me - calls me cutie, so who can resist? A week in Spain - definitely!! Ooooh next year's going to be great.

Hurrah!

I'm in such a good mood now - everything is going so well - I just heard from the doc. He's on call so he had to shoot off. Still a little depressed I couldn't meet him in London, but there we are. I did the right thing, for reasons too many and various to explain. Glad he hasn't forgotten me. Also had a nice chat with the sailor - who is much calmer today - but very pissed off. Turns out he took out his wife - bought her two birthday presents - drove her to a show - bought dinner - paid for everyone and the daughter and the boyfriend he doesn't like. Well, what did he get for all this - fuck all - not even a thank you or a peck on the cheek. Disgraceful.

Well, this is interesting, cos he said he agreed with the previous lady he was seeing, who said it was his own fault. No, I said, I don't agree. I think you're being nice, doing all the right things and so forth and she's just being rude - it's her problem, and don't you dare blame yourself just for being good to her. I also said I thought the previous lady said things like that because she perhaps had her own agenda - manipulative bitch, I think. She obviously saw the watch and stuff and thought, hey I want some of that! Please, I'm not like that really! Honestly. I mean, I've tried to convince myself I could be but I'm just a failure at all that. I just really really like him, and it makes me cross that he's treated so badly. I actually shed some tears, when I thought he was bailing on me - what a shock - but there we are. Too soft for my own good.

So, my two lovely men have cheered me up something lovely - which is great, cos the one at home is a dead loss at the moment. Have been seriously thinking about going. Honestly. Not a good moment I know, but is it ever? Maybe think about it all after christmas. Do you know though - and this is a terrible thing to say - he's always so tired and buggered, and he coughs all the time - I mean really coughs, you know? - I just wonder sometimes if there isn't something really wrong with him. I mean, all that smoking can't have helped, can it? And the loss of libido, well that could also be a symptom of something else couldn't it? It's not right, is it? He's not that old - some men have kids in their eighties. So, it makes me think, actually if that's the case, could I live with myself? But then his dad lived till eighty something, but he did have one lung removed. What a depressing thought - but I can honestly see that we might start living seperate lives soon, and without too much acrimony I think. I guess if I was happy with things, I wouldn't be here though, would I?xxx

Christmas is coming!

Well, finally starting to feel a little bit christmassy! Yes, just a little - steady on now. But I do like going for long walks with the dog, and then settling in by the fire for a nice read with a hot drink. I don't think much of all the cynical money-grabbing advertising this year - maybe it's getting to me a little more than usual? But I am determined not to bankrupt myself this year, and to that end, people will be getting much less and a lot of it home made. Maybe I can set a precedent - cos I do hate all the commercialisation of christmas - and honestly, so do most people, don't they?

I am going to spend a little money on myself though - cos I still need some sprucing up - a new hair colour is next I think. Although, looking through the wardrobe things really aren't too bad - just need to re-evaluate perhaps. And no, I'm not going on a bloody diet - I am so sick of my colleague and her diets - I really think what she needs is a new man, and a bit less self-esteem battering. She actually went to slimming world last week - now she's size 10 - and felt a little silly, cos some women there were enormous. But she still thinks she's got a problem - jeez! What's interesting is her new diet seems to consist of an awful lot of food - me and my other friend will die laughing if she puts on weight!! She might actually end up an obese and revolting size 12.

Quite looking forward to some time off over christmas and some relaxing and mooching and looking round shops. But definitely sticking to cheap shops this year. Wonder if I'll hear from any of my men over christmas? Difficult time for some of them I think. Not heard from dubai yet - I guess the internet is still off. Still thinking about that job - but would I ever really want to come home - doubt it. xxxx

A New Start?

Well, I've been a very good girl for the last couple of days - that's unexpected isn't it? No, no sexting, or cyber sex or text sex or anything - but a bit of a crisis with one lovely man. My sailor got very down and depressed and said that as it was so difficult to meet perhaps I was better off without him. Well, maybe he caught me at a low ebb, but I did sit and have a little cry - which was unexpected. But I wrote quite a long email, and the gist of it was that it didn't really matter if we didn't meet often - the important thing is to be there for each other. Which I really do believe. I would miss him terribly you know - and I know we haven't actually done the deed, but there is an understanding between us. You know, I think the other woman he was involved in might be the problem here - I think she rather laid down the law - well I'm not like that, I told him. Hope he's okay.

Haven't heard from the doc for a while either - miss him! I do often hear from him over the weekend - but I gather his wife is having some sort of treatment - wow I said, you may even start having sex? - no, he said. Shame. Still, fingers crossed.

Also, as promised to self, I've been embarking on a self-improvement campaign. I've been walking the poor dog till her legs drop off. And a lot of pampering of face and body and stuff. Of course, completely unnoticed by oh, goes without saying, doesn't it? I was thinking of going swimming as well, cos I love that, but my god, the weather. So. Next, is hair and new clothes - financially this is not a great idea, but I'm determined to trawl the second hand shops and so forth - and also not forgetting what I already have - so a sort out is needed. Gosh if only I was rich.

And don't forget, my lovely young man in dubai will be back online this weekend - can't help feeling this is just utter madness still. But hey it's fun. And what if I do go to dubai to work - oh wants me to go, to my surprise - but I don't expect he wants me to come back with an arabic husband does he? Hahahahaha xxxx what would audrey do??

A New Look?

Well, had some home truths told to me today - ouch! And I guess to be honest with some justification - along the lines of 'you could look so much better' and also 'she isn't as old as she looks'. Now I do really think all of this was well meant, but still fairly painful to hear, isn't it? So, the self-improvement programme is now going into overdrive. And in all honesty it's probably overdue - and hell, why shouldn't I look as good as I can. Fed up with trying to impress the oh, but there are other fish in the sea, aren't there? So, some money needs to be spent along with some time I think. And probably some effort - though not so keen on that, but there we are.

Actually, I think there have been conversations behind my back at work - now I really don't mind cos these are two of my best friends in the world - but they are the only people who I have ever confided in about feeling less than happy with things. Maybe they have decided what I should do - they even said I should find a younger man! My thoughts exactly.

So I think the first thing to do is clear out the wardrobe - see exactly what's what. And some extra attention to grooming is required. I was quite shocked to see my grey hair in photos lately, so I think a colour and a cut. Then we'll go shopping - I've sussed out some really good second hand shops for really expensive gear, and also some good charity shops. Cos I don't have a lot of money. But honestly I'm going for the good capsule wardrobe here - and I do have some good bits.

Guess what else I did - I looked for jobs in Dubai - how naughty am I?? And they're very well paid. Oh says I should go - oh my goodness, how tempting - somebody slap me, please.

So, off to have a bath and shave the terrible legs, and do a bit of pampering - and why not? xxx