Sick

I knew it was too good to last - I've got a rotten cold. And of course, when I get a rotten cold I also get horribly maudlin and introspective. Hope I didn't give it to my favourite guy, but I rather think I must have - after all, all those bodily fluids, lol!

I do think I've got it really rather badly for him. I don't particularly want to talk to my other guys at all - with the exception of the swimmer of course, who I love unreservedly. I just want him again, that's all. It's bad isn't it? But we are just so perfect together. My poor heart is going to get mashed isn't it? I guess like he's done to the girlfriend with the stupid foreign name. Still, let's see eh?

I do think I need to get a bit busier, especially now it's the winter and I'm not working so much. I also need to get a bit fitter - my guy's been going to the gym and now looks even more mouth watering - I'm in danger of looking like the blob next to him. Nice to have an appreciative audience for the efforts too. Hmmm Swimming and running I think - and some free weights at home. Did wonders before - how long ago was that? A lifetime - I still thought if I lost weight I'd get sex - who was that stupid person?? xx

A kind of nice surprise

Well, what a busy week. Got a new phone, and of course I couldn't work it all that well. So, of course, it went off in the middle of a lesson, and guess who had sent me a text - yes, the most frustrating man in the world. Well, having great difficulty finishing the lesson with a big cheesy grin on my face, but the great news was, he wanted to meet the next day. So, even though I meant to play hard to get and all that nonsense, of course, I said yes.

Well, so nice to see him - ssooooo nice. And he had news - he is now single - and that's a large part of why I haven't seen him. It took a bit of trying to do it nicely, and then just having to do it and cut the chord, and was actually quite vile from what he says. He's fine though - but she still thinks he's having some kind of a crisis or something, and expects to hear differently. So, despite him saying, I don't want to talk about this all night, we did for a while. I do understand very much how people don't listen to what you're saying - happened to me, right? I'm so glad we talked - it was so nice. And I'm even more glad we went to bed, it was just incredible. And I do mean incredible - and emotional too. Of course now I guess I'll be eaten up with the thought he might be dating or something. But hey, what will be will be won't it? And you know, he would tell me.

It may be we can see each other a little more often now - wouldn't that be nice. He said that he knew staying with her would be okay - but he knew he could be happier. You know, I do hope really that I could be the one who made him happier - and I'd give up the others like a shot you know - but if not, I genuinely want him to be. He deserves it, he really does. What a wonderful man xxxx

Surprise!

Well, I have had a surprising few days - in mostly a good way I think. Had a nice note from my golfer guy - we have a nice time together but that's it. Perfect. Still yet to hear from the most frustrating man in the world. But you know, he would tell me if he'd had enough. I know it. I would love to see him soon though.

Looks like the swimmer may not be down as soon as we thought, due to a change of plan by his daughter. Shame, but I think we'll meet soon anyhow you know. The big surprise is the doc got in touch again. Now, things have changed a bit, he's living away from home. And he wants to meet up for a weekend. How mad. But why not? Indeed. He's still paranoid as hell, my goodness I do hate that, but I guess I can't blame him. Especially since what happened with the golfer. Still feel a little guilty to be honest, but what could I have done?? So, I may well have to think of another brilliant excuse soon.

And I'm thinking a lot how much easier this would be if I lived on my own. Wouldn't it? Still planning and plotting. It's hard though isn't it? I need a man again and soon. Hope someone gets it together. xxxx

Mellow!

Well, I'm feeling so much better today. Spent most of the day having lots of lovely naughty sex and my whole body feels like it's glowing and happy today. See, it is a physical need! Lovely day with the golfer, who cooked me lunch, and we had such a lovely time talking about stuff as well. His wife's gone, which I still feel a bit bad about, but he made me feel better, and said he knew it would happen sometime. And he's actually quite happy on his own, despite the drop in income and so forth. But we talked a lot about the future and he's quite optimistic.

You know, we both said how we'd probably never set up in a relationship again - either living together or married. This is so much better. Mind you, he is not having much success finding someone else, but hopefully that will change soon. He is rather spectacularly good in bed, and I made so much noise I'm surprised the neighbours didn't phone the police or something - goodness me. Trouble is, a lot of women look for a good looking man don't they, and they're not always great in bed are they? And honestly, he's not great looking, but he's nice, clean, a gentleman - what the hell?

Still not feeling the slightest tiniest bit guilty - amazing. You'd think I would. Life isn't black and white though is it - am I doing a bad thing? Probably. But I need to! And that's it. xxxx

Exciting!!

Off tomorrow to have some sex - oh yes!! First time since August - two months!! Christ, I've got all these men, and that's the best I can manage? Guess it's just as well I do then isn't it? I've been doing a lot of writing lately - and I've been writing particularly naughty stories for my lawyer in the states - which he likes very much! Maybe I'll make some money at this one day. I'm seriously getting to the point where I may do. Wouldn't that make a difference to me? Plus I could tell that witch at work I was a published author too! I'm getting lots of support from strange places too - the universe is odd isn't it?

Tomorrow, meeting the golfer - reliably naughty, large and a gentleman. What more do you want? Should be great. And hopefully I won't have to wait two months till the next time - Christmas?? Don't think so.

That young guy is still in touch - and treading very carefully now. Which is a good thing. He knows I was severely pissed off - well who needs it? But we're still moving on I think. Never ever slept with anyone younger than me I just realised - about time perhaps. Should be good I think.

And still the bm continues to drive me crazy. Oh, fuck it!! Well, it's too much - he could actually be dead couldn't he? Or married - well, I wouldn't know would I? I'm so very glad I have other men.

My online friend wants me to tell my story to go in his book. So, do I tell the truth or do I tell a version of it?? Well, I don't think it's too bad honestly, and maybe if more people did what I do, the world would be a happier place. I know I'm happier. Wish me luck tomorrow xxxx

Three Days!

Three days to go till I get some action!! Go me! Nothing since August, which is depressing, but this should more than make up for it. Quite excited. Hope he's okay.

Kind of made of with the young guy - not giving him an easy ride though - how horrid am I? Well, fuck it, he upset me. And he needs to know that. This other bird is in fucking Australia or something, and how likely is that to happen - he needs to remember what side his bread's buttered on doesn't he? Just want to play with him a bit now, mwahahaha.

The swimmer wants me to go stay with him in his daughters fabulous house - well, yes I think so, don't you?? Working on my excuses as you can imagine. But may have to cut the visit short for daughter duties - I don't mind really, but, god, the timing!! It's all good as work is kind of tailing off a bit at the moment - not good for the money side of things, but gives me time to play with doesn't it?

And yet nothing from the bm!! WTF!!! This is now getting a bit much, but is not unusual for him at all. Dear god though. If this is what it's like with a successful man then I'm kind of glad I didn't do this before - however, his plan is to retire soon - and my plan is to be with him. Wonder what he'd think of that. Best not tell him eh? xxxx

Bitchy??

Am I being unreasonable - do I even care?? Well then, this young guy came back online. We chatted a bit, he said let's go on skype - I said no. I said I felt embarrassed about it and a bit foolish. Was that my fault, he said - I said yes. Well I don't know, was that a bit over the top? He did, and it was and I'm buggered if I'm going to pretend. I said who is this amazing person you can't stop talking about then? He said, well I do talk to other people. Well so do I, I said.

Well today, he's taken his status off. And I'm glad. You don't go showing bits of your body to people to have you tell them about all their other women do you? Maybe I should tell him all about my other guys - let him feel bad - cos I'm pretty sure he's all talk and no action. Or shall I just mess with him. God, this internet thing is a whole can of worms isn't it?

I still think it's kind of bad form to do well, cyber sex with someone, and then post on your status how great someone else is - or is it me??? Maybe someone should write some rules about this, cos I think that's just rude.

Last night he started apologizing -it wasn't my intention to, blah blah..... well what was your bloody intention you fool?? I didn't let him - I said I'm going - and went. Let him stew. Honestly, for someone who was a counsellor, he's a bloody fool isn't he? Sensitivity of a gnat.

You know, I do know lots of guys I see have other women - I just don't want to know all about them. Now, is that unreasonable or not? And do I actually care if it's not? The jury's still out I guess xxx

Not sure??

Hmm well not sure about new guy. I guess he sounded too good to be true actually, so hey I told you so? Well, we skyped and got on okay and I thought it was pretty good. Then I saw his profile - he'd met a wonderful new woman, couldn't stop thinking about her, blah blah - not me!! Well, bit put off if I'm honest. Yes, I know, how unreasonable - but I did feel really put out. Anyhow, Friday I gave him a bit of a cold shoulder to be honest. Not really on purpose cos I was busy. Not heard from him since. We'll see I think. Anyhow, I do have enough men really don't I? I was just being greedy.

So, next week seeing the golfer, yum. And soon will see the swimmer - my favourite man. Still not heard from the bm - love of my life, but trying hard to be cool about that. Not easy. Haven't seen him since June, which is a bit much isn't it? You know what, it's okay though, because he's not the only guy. Would be hard else I really do think.

More good news - got tickets for Glastonbury. Well, mixed feelings about this really. Remember when me and the other half had the talk? You can't leave, what about Glastonbury? Will I still be here? Honestly I hope not. But the plans are moving along, and things so who knows? Will he ever talk to me about things - I rather think not, he prefers the head in the sand - or going to the pub. Still, one day he'll come home and I'll be gone. Always said I would - and he has always known how much I hate that pub. I said I wanted to petrol bomb it once - I would too! Hate it. It's hard to come second to a load of old men. And he has the cheek to be annoyed that I go on the internet and write! Oh dear!! Rant over xxx