New Guy

I have a new guy - yes, I know, greedy girl. He's very keen. And he's ten years younger than me (remember long, long ago, I was only going to go for younger men?). And he looks pretty yum. Lives a long way away, but I'll let him figure that one out - men seem to enjoy a challenge don't they? I like this one.

Also seeing the golfer in just under two weeks - reliably hot kinky sex - a lot to be said for that I think. And may well be seeing the swimmer too the week after-ish, when he'll be about again. Golly, he was older, but the best oral of my life - still getting over that!! I could also go and see him, that's a possible - he's been staying in a cottage at his daughter's - so could go and visit. Will think about that. Also wants me to go to Cyprus - not sure about that, or how I could get away, but we'll see, eh?

Still not heard from the bm since he said he was so busy. Hmmm - I'm never sure if I should read anything into it or not. But I do know he'll be getting two daughters off to university at the moment, so is probably hideously busy in reality. Wish he'd email or something though. Really wonderful sex with him - an all round good performance, lol!! Still I think this new guy might be quite special - not worried about older women either.

I'm still thinking a lot about Maslow - it's so obvious isn't it?? I have to do this or I lose my marbles. However, I'm still considering faking a depression as a reason for leaving - just not too sure I can keep it up. Good idea though. We're in separate beds now - and it's actually so much better. No rejection, which is good - and no being woken up constantly, also good - and no listening to constant wheezing - excellent! Daughter is visiting next week, so I guess I'll have to go back for a night or two. Think he'll want sex? Me neither. Don't care any more. xxxx

Wow!

I just had a bit of a revelation - which is also to say that it's so simple, and why the hell didn't I see this before?? Well, when I was starting my teaching degree, one of the first things we learnt about was Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Now I have to say, at the time it seemed like stating the bleeding obvious, so I kind of took it in and thought no more about it. Well, someone posted it today on a website I look at - in the spirit of this is why you feel like shit.

Well, it was so blindingly obvious. I knew I felt bad, I knew why, but to see it like that in a diagram, well it just hits you between the eyes doesn't it? And it also made me think that I can't really move forward in my life and achieve what I want to while I have this big gap in my support system.

On a physical level you need sex. Yes, obviously, but there's vibrators and hands and whatever isn't there? The big gap for me is connecting and affection - that's what I don't get at home - that's what I need - and that's what I'm getting from my guys. It's so obvious isn't it? And so, that's why I feel so cranky at the moment, cos they're all neglecting me!

Mind you, my American guy sent me a link - how to make lots of money - cos I said if I had loads I'd obviously spend it coming to see him! Not sure if it's legit, but could sure do with lots of money! I'll check it out. xxxxx

Sunday

I've had a much better day, and I really don't feel so bad. What was going on last week? I just felt horrible. Strange. Still no action for S, so a bit sad really, but a few things in the pipeline I think. My favourite guy who does my head in all the time, will be in touch when he can give me a definite date. He always does this - annoying, but I really don't think he can help it. Still, it helps you to be calm knowing you have other men doesn't it?

I think the swimmer will visit soon, and I'm going to see the golfer in about three weeks. So, plans are looking good. I'd like to see this other guy, but not really sure how that's going to work out. We'll see about that I think. He's definitely up for it, bless. I also have a wonderful man in the states - I think I've mentioned him. He may well come over for a visit - wow! - wouldn't that be something! I'm going multi-national!

You know, I've started to write again, and one of the things I've been writing is my thoughts about what has been happening to me over the last couple of years. I think people could be interested to read it, what do you think? And also about the whole sexless marriage thing, which I've found out so much about. It's a real epidemic and I can't believe now I ever thought I was the only one!! Also trying to finish my novels which are more likely publication material I think. Reading them again after a break was nice - they're pretty good! Need more naughty bits though - I would say that though, wouldn't I??? xxx

Change

I'm still sleeping in the spare room - and wow do I feel better! I did think about going back at the weekend, but honestly, when he got up three times in an hour to pee, I thought, no, I can't stand this. I've been sleeping so well, all wrapped up and dreaming of my lovely men. Only thing better would be if one was actually here wouldn't it?

Waiting to hear from the bm about thursday. Not holding my breath though, honestly. Bloody men! Obviously not thinking of me, sat here like a crazed nun!! I've not had sex since August and the swimmer - mind you, that kept me going for a while didn't it?? Could definitely use it though.

I was feeling really down yesterday - you know what, it's Sundays isn't it? I've got to avoid them at all costs. How do I do that?? Well, I could meet a man - I could get really busy. Must think of something though. It was bad and I haven't really got past it all day. Made me wonder if I wasn't risking my health sticking it out though. Still, what better excuse to leave - I've had a breakdown because of you!! Oh, the guilt - oh the possibilities. xxxx

Feeling Good!

You'll never guess why! It's probably not the whole story, but I've started sleeping on my own - a step backward you might think. But a good one perhaps. I feel so much better, it's like I've been suffering from sleep deprivation for the last year or something - my oh does not sleep well, and all the coughing caused by the resumed smoking doesn't help a bit. He sleeps a lot in the day too - usually an afternoon nap and an evening doze. Well I don't and I bloody well need to sleep. Of course, it also means I can mess about a bit, which does aid restful sleep I think you'll agree.

Now I'm considering whether I want to sleep with him just at weekends - and honestly, I'm thinking not. It's not like we have sex is it???? So what's the point? Did have a chat with my daughter today - said I can't see myself being here much longer. She's not surprised - she's not daft. I think she'd feel bad if she thought I was staying for her. It's not just that though - I am having to pluck up courage to an extent. And I know I'm going to be seen as the guilty party - although I was much encouraged by my friend's experience - her husband wanted all their friends to agree she'd been a bitch, and they all said, well you neglected her, what did you expect?? So I wonder if people are really as daft as you think always. Still, I know he'll try and say I'm this that and the other. Hey ho.

Really hoping to see my favourite man next week. Possibly thursday. He had some sort of work problem last week, and something with his daughter. Okay. He's a good man, actually. I know it. It's just been so long, and he promised it wouldn't be this time - and yes, I know I'm whingeing, but oh my goodness, four months!!! I don't know - the sensible part of me says, well he doesn't really care if he leaves it that long. The other part kind of thinks he's testing me in some way. God knows. Probably just means he's busy. Hope he does care, but not much I can do about it, is there? xxxx

Another rain check!!

I'd been looking forward to meeting my favourite guy for the night this week. Well, he had to go and do some business stuff apparently. Damn and blast. But next week might be good with a bit of luck, so all is not lost. And the great thing is that he's so keen to see me, and actually sounds really annoyed about it. Nice.

Well, I continue to correspond with lots of guys at the moment. Fixed up to see the golfer next month. And the swimmer is coming down in a couple of weeks - love him. I do. The best thing at the moment is this guy from the states though - I know, it's so ridiculously unlikely isn't it? But I think he's actually going to come to London just to see me! Wow! We do get on astonishingly well - he is really such a lovely guy. Wife is hopeless apparently. A recurring theme in my life at the moment. What's wrong with these women?? Don't they know men love sex - end of?? Well, they do with me, anyhow. Fine with me. I do seem to be getting a type - he's rather wealthy and distinguished and tall and thin. Nice, eh? If only I'd realised that was my type a few years ago - could have done rather better for myself maybe. Mind you, someone wrote something to me today, that made me think. He said that because of all the pain we've suffered in our sexless marriages, we must be better people for it. I'd never thought about that, just saw it as a waste of my life. Perhaps he's right though - and I'm damned sure I'm going to make the most of my life from now on. Might have a busy few weeks coming up with a bit of luck. What a year it's been!! xxx