A bit of a crisis

I had a bit of a funny moment early this weekend. Something of the 'what the hell am I doing?' variety. Weird, I didn't see that coming - I just felt awful. I started thinking about how everything would look if people were talking about me - why, because we'd been gossiping - always a bad idea. So, of course, I wrote to the swimmer, and he is so wise. He said you're on a journey, nothing you do is wrong - what other people think isn't important. I said what about you and me, I don't want you to feel bad. He said, we're sharing the journey for a while. He's right I think. This isn't something you can try and categorise.

And I'm talking to several guys online, but I'm not sleeping with all of them, so what the hell. I told one guy I was seeing someone else - he said won't he be upset if we talk. I said, until he loves me and puts a ring on my finger, I'm a free agent. And I really feel that now. If my other half had done that I might feel differently, but he didn't. So.

And....... heard from the bm. Week after next for another night of bliss. If he asked I'd be gone - ring on finger, the whole kit and caboodle. I would. So I honestly think my other guys are my safety valve. Not the swimmer though - will always adore him. Unconditional love - that's it. I'm so lucky, what lovely men. xxxx

The worst summer!!

Tomorrow is the last day - and then the summer is over - work wise I mean! What a relief - and I'm seriously wondering if I want to do it again! I've been looking at various different ways of earning a buck and having a good old think. Not sure I want to do this forever to be honest - it's just too bloody hard. Still, we'll see.

Heard from the swimmer - will be down in September for another fun-filled stress free couple of days together - adore him sooooo much! Not heard from the bm - well, wouldn't you know it?? And still talking a lot to my guy in the states. What a classy guy - so good for me! I think I'll run away with him.

Anyhow, so looking forward to chilling a bit at the weekend - and then a bit of normality. Might start to think about other things too - and seeing men! You think?? xxxx

A Quandary!

A woman I work with is making me quite angry at the moment. Not the first time I hear you say. Well, this is pretty relevant to me and my situation. This woman is about 35 years old and has two small children. Mum is about 64 and looks after the kids for her - heroic, cos they're very small. Now, dad (the sainted one) has been dead for exactly two years. Mum, good on her, has got herself a boyfriend. But my friend at work is pretty unhappy about this - apparently two years is not long enough for her to mourn. She doesn't understand why and how mum can move on at all.

Well, I've been mostly listening - today I said, have you met him? No. I thought, well how can you judge anything. And actually, what I've been thinking all along is, it's none of your damned business!! Well apparently one brother has met him and he looks like a cross between George Clooney and Harrison Ford. Well, I said if she gets tired of him..... Haha - went down like a burning spitfire!!

But in my opinion, when you're 64, you're going to grab a slice of happiness if you get a chance, aren't you? Anyhow, I asked my daughters what they thought about this - what a bitch, they said! Leave her alone, none of your business.

I was so pleased about this, I really was. I mean, you know what I'm up to - and maybe one day I'll have a similar situation, and if they behaved like that I'd be truly embarrassed that they were related to me - I honestly would. One thing she said was - I never thought mum would need to have a man to be complete. I thought, hey you do need a man to do some things hunni - or don't you think your mum does that any more? Bit my tongue though.

I'm waiting to hear from him again - grrrrrr. He always has this effect on me, doesn't he? I was so right to get myself some other men, it definitely helps a lot. Still, it's Wednesday, should hear in the next day or two. Bloody men xxxxx

Bad news!

Well, a bit of a bombshell today - the golfer has split with his wife. He told me she'd got into his email. Well, I was horrified as you can imagine - there were photos!! But apparently she only read one fairly innocuous note - thank god!! But I still feel a bit bad. He seems quite optimistic and feels it's probably the right thing in a lot of ways. I guess he's a free agent now and can search out more women much more easily if he wants - and he does, I know. It was difficult for him being with her all day, and also with no sex. They were like companions, and nothing more. And that is a bit hard, I know. Still, might go see him soon - we do do sex well the pair of us!

Another note from the bm - will send some possible dates for a meeting - yummmmm xxx And been talking to the swimmer quite a lot - adorable man. Got to see him again soon - I think he might have the record you know - the most orgasms in one afternoon record. Wow. He's really going to do this housesitting thing - I'm rather tempted to do it with him. Maybe now is not the moment though. But soon. I really feel like I don't want to still be doing the same job this time next year - and I could really go for something mad like that you know. The summer has been so hard. I told my mate at work, it just makes me feel ill that I might be here next year. He knows what I mean. I'm always saying it, but life's too short! xxxx

Love it!

Well, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all my men today. It takes a fair bit of upkeep you know. Especially now my favourite man is back on the scene (another message today x). Then I got a message from a good friend in the states - she has three on the go and has never been happier. So I said, hey, I'm catching you up!! She goes for much younger men - good for her! I don't know, I quite like older guys - at least you can have a good conversation, that's important to me, I find.

I really like this new guy in the states - he's very special. Such a shame he's so far away, isn't it? I really think he will come over though - I do!! Wouldn't that be amazing. He really likes me a lot too. It's enough to turn a girl's head isn't it?

My swimmer is going to couples counselling on monday - oh dear, I said! He said, don't worry, I won't tell! He's going to make a new life for himself, and he's going to do a lot of housesitting - which sounds brilliant doesn't it? You get paid to do it too. I could do that, couldn't I? And he's registered to do it abroad as well. How interesting, don't you think? We're absolutely definitely meeting up again - and maybe forever - I adore him, I really do.

The bm meanwhile is away in Bristol or somewhere - probably with the girlfriend. But wants to meet up soon, which is good. I'm really into this guy you know - well, you do - but I still feel it's early days and need to be cool. It's hard. But it's different with him - so wonderful. I just hope he feels the same. And I do honestly think he does. xxxx

The best news!

Well, he's been in touch - the bm - the favourite man! I was so right to sit on my hands, and not send pathetic begging type emails! Seems he's just been away, and busy, so that's fine. And he wants to meet up again ....soon!!! Well, I left 24 hours before replying - well you know, I am a rules girl! And that gave me time to be cool, but not gushing. Very well done me!

Heard from the swimmer too - we're both very happy with each other! My bestest friend. And we'll do it again soon as well. And I continue to have these lovely conversations with the lawyer in the states. What a lovely man. Goodness, what a lucky girl I am. Time was, I'd have been happy with just one of these guys I think, but maybe it's karma after going without for so long. Life is good xxxx

International??

Well, it looks like I may be about to go international. I've been talking to a lovely guy from the States - all the while thinking, hey, nothing can possibly come of this. But now, he's decided to come over and visit me!! It's just so flattering isn't it? We got to talking and he tells me all sorts of things, like how he hasn't been able to have sex with his wife in 20 years without using lube! Yeuch. I told him I'd never used it - well, I never have! We really do get on ever so well.

You know, the reason I think I do so well at this is that I don't want them to leave their wives. And of course, I genuinely love men. But most of them are a bit scared of bunny boilers - and rightly so in my opinion. This guy (the lawyer) said that he couldn't believe such a demure looking lady had such a dirty mind! Go me! Well, it's true isn't it?

I've also done incredibly well in that I've got rather well educated, smart guys. Why didn't I the first time around, that's the question isn't it? You know, I'm less and less inclined to settle for one guy in the future, if I can have lots of them. Who cares if they're married - those wives should screw them properly once in a while, then they wouldn't come after me, would they? It's not rocket science, is it? And obviously, if I was getting screwed, I probably wouldn't have gone out looking for it either. So glad I did though. Maybe I missed my calling, hmm? xxxx

Funny!

Well the dust has settled a bit, but I'm still really happy about this week. I think I'll be seeing this guy for all eternity to be honest. However it goes. The first person I had to tell was my friend in Carolina - and he really is a good friend. I don't think I've mentioned him, but he was married to an englishwoman, sexless of course - and is now with a lovely american lady in the blue ridge mountains. Idyllic or what? Mind you, they still have their problems with the daughter and the ex. What I love about him is his acid tongue - and my god, he's so witty and clever. Someone did a forum - who would you want to sleep with on here - he picked me!! How sweet, and I was incredibly flattered.

They reckon I'm the most english person on the website - not sure how to take that really! Funny though. And they've invited us over - how cool would that be? His latest is he wants me to kill my husband - now I said, he's doing a bang up job himself with the smoking and the booze. He said, no, do it for me - cos I so wish I'd killed my wife, and I'd be a million pounds richer. I can hide out over there too. Love it.

Now I'm thinking I might hear from the bm next week, cos he'll be back at work. Or have I blown it in some way. Not sure - I really do think he's just been busy. And my swimmer told me to see my other guys so I didn't turn into a crazed nun! He is perfect for me, isn't he? xxxx

A Perfect Day!

Well, sorry to be so sickening - but yesterday was even better. What a lovely man I've found. He took me to lunch, and he'd bought me a present too. Then we went to his room for the whole afternoon. Oh my goodness. You know, he may not be able to keep it up too long, but more than made up for it with enthusiastic linguistic activities - goodness me, how many times can a person come?? I'll tell you - a lot!!! We might try the blue pills next time, but he did fine without them anyhow. He's just a wonderful guy - we get on so well in every way.

He took me out to dinner as well - we had seafood, lush. You know, I was a bit nervous I might see someone I knew, but it was fine. I was looking at the other couples - so many people don't have anything to say to each other do they? No problem with us though - I guess we intrigued people a little as well - who cares? At least we're not dying slowly in a marriage with no words.

Definitely meeting up again - and soon I think. I'm so pleased I took a chance with this guy. I was a little afraid I might end up losing a good friend if we slept together - but that's not going to happen. Really. He's going to be my best friend whatever happens - shame I didn't marry him really isn't it? It really was perfect xxxx

Success!

Well, we met, we got on so well, and we ended up in bed - a perfect afternoon. And guess what, I'm doing the same tomorrow! Life is sweet. He's so nice and funny and smart! Just like I thought. And he hadn't had sex in 13 years! That's just wrong. He didn't need the blue pills either - go me!! Well, you know, I'm getting good at it now. But I have to say, he was pretty magnificent - made me come umpteen times, and the oral, oh my god!! I don't think I've ever had better - ever!!!! We had a shower together too - that was nice. Crammed a lot in in a short time actually. Tomorrow should be nice as well. And we're going to eat as well - he's so easy to talk to. And he knows everything. My darling man x

I think the lawyer was absolutely right - I need more men. He'll be coming down this way a fair bit, so it'll be perfect. You know what was nice too - my first vasectomy - so no worries at all - and he came right inside me - god, I'd forgotten how wonderful that could be. I guess I'd better save my strength for tomorrow xxxx

Tomorrow!

Well, we're meeting up tomorrow - and have it planned so I can stay out Friday if the fancy takes me - you know where I'll be don't you? I do hope we get on - and I found the coffee coloured undies too, you'll be pleased to hear. It's always so nerve-racking, this bit - I'm not too keen on it honestly. But there we are. Where will we meet? Don't know yet - could be awkward, but then how often do I see people I know? Not much.

The lawyer sent me such a nice message - you know, the sort of what we'll do when we get together message. So, I sent one back. I'm getting quite good at this. Maybe I should finish those books - you know, I do think I stalled on the naughty bits - well, if you don't get any, it can be a stumbling block, can't it? I'm quite inspired these days! He thinks I'm smart, sexy and intelligent - can't be bad can it? Wish me luck tomorrow xxx

Tuesday!

Well, as you might still imagine, not heard a thing from the bm - where is he? Although, I really think he's probably on holiday somewhere, and got his girls home. Well, be that as it may, I have been plenty busy without him. Things are getting really hot with two of my online guys - one is in the states, but he does come to england quite a lot! And he's actually quite yummy. The other, is actually quite close to home, but I'm not sure of his circumstances - so might be difficult to get together. Still the flirting is fun - I sent him some naughty photos, he went barmy, bless.

Still meeting up with my swimmer on Thursday. I gather this job might not be going to work out, but he says he'll still be travelling down this way quite a lot - sounds excellent to me? You know, if we don't get on it'll be a huge surprise, and he'll be the first one I haven't hit it off with, won't he? I'm such a slag. Hahaha. Like I care. So, getting my work done, so I can relax a bit for a couple of nights - look my best and all that - where are those gorgeous coffee lace undies my golfer liked so much?? xxxx

Money?

Well, the summer is drawing to a close, workwise - so the hectic activity of the last few weeks will give way to a much calmer me. And, to be honest, I'm getting a little fed up of my hard work making lots of money for other people. So, I think I need to start thinking and planning. I reckon I could earn good money for myself in just a few hours a week - and have lots of time off for mischief. It's got to be done!

I'm also thinking of doing some more exciting things, like travelling and so forth. You know, I really want to go on a tall ship - there's a charity that does this, and you help disabled people to sail. It just sounds brilliant. Next year?? I think so. Well, my aim of having more sex this year is working out very well isn't it? Maybe I'll have some more this week???

In all honesty, I'm a bit nervous - and partly because I think I may fall headlong for this guy when I meet him in person - I love him to pieces now, if I sleep with him, who knows what madness may ensue?? Still, It's not like I'm not going to, so let the chips fall where they may!

The other thing I've got to do, is to do more writing! And stop fooling around with men all day, when I could be writing. I've got two half finished novels - and they're both pretty good. Just need finishing. Still, nanowrimo is coming soon, if I haven't got much further by then.

I have announce to the oh that I may not come home friday - looks like that decision is made then, doesn't it? He'll be my first vasectomy - how lovely - I think that's so cool! You know, I really can't wait!! xxx

Should be exciting!

Well, I've been horribly busy at work for about eight weeks now, so of course, my pursuit of men has suffered a little bit. But not too much, I'm glad to say. This week, I am meeting, yes, meeting with the swimmer - who has almost left his wife, and is travelling down this way to see about a new job and a new place to live. How exciting. Now, we haven't met before, but we have talked so much, and actually in so much depth, that it doesn't really seem like meeting someone new. He's adorable - hope he'll be fanciable as well.

He's going to stay in a hotel in a nearby town for two nights - should give us some time. I'm debating staying out on the second night, or is that too forward. God, I need some though - and so does he. Shall think about it for a day or two I think.

And I've made such a lovely friend in the states - I shall call him the lawyer. He's rather posh, but I like him a lot - he looks rather like the bm - and I like him, don't I? He has a wife, but she's just not interested, so he sees lots of escorts - and a few amateurs. I said, hey come to england and see me. He says he might soon. Well. I like a decisive man, don't you?

So, I told my new found friend about my bm, and he said, well it could be all sorts of reasons - why don't you just drop him a note? Hmmmm I thought, perhaps I could do that. He said I should ask how the girls were and just leave it at that. What a good idea. Men are so sensible sometimes - he doesn't think I'll seem like a bunny boiler if I do. But he agrees how annoying it can be when people disappear. Well, it is if you like them a lot. He says, well, put it down to experience.

I heard from the golfer too. He's very well and looking forward to our next meeting in October. Me too! He likes to hear all the scandal - cos nothing much happens where he lives.

Talking of scandal - my friend who got caught online - well, they've had a week with no kids, and they're trying to sort it out. Apparently, he told the whole world what she'd done and how she was such a bitch. Well, actually not many people agreed with him - they said, well you leave her alone all the time with the kids, what do you expect? So it's been a bit of a shock for him - maybe it was his fault too??? Wish someone would say something like that to my oh - but then I'm not going to broadcast anything I do if I can help it. But maybe I should - after all, he's neglecting me, isn't he? Take care xxx

Reading

I'm still fairly addicted to reading about the sad thing that is the sexless marriage - I know, there's not rhyme or reason and I'm going round in circles. But I did read something so interesting today. It was about the refuser (of sex) and how they won't join in with the trying to do something about it at all. Now, boy, have I been there?? I think I've spent about ten years of my life trying to do something so that I would be worthy of loving. Mind you, a lot of that is good and useful stuff to carry me forward. A lot is not. You know, the waxing, the losing weight, the bloody tanning sessions and the underwear - and boy, all those fantastic meals waiting for the microwave to finally ruin them.

Well, I've made my peace with the sad case I was - and I'm not doing it any more. Now, this is the exact moment the refuser decides to try isn't it?? And yes, it's true! Do they realise the ultimate parting of the ways is looming, or what? He's trying to be nice, he's cooking, he's even trying to have sex!!!!! But I just can't be bothered. Anyway, he's not trying that hard to be honest - he came home from the pub yesterday afternoon and slept all evening on the sofa and then all night in bed - what, over fourteen hours!! I used to hate that pub and want to burn it down - but I'm glad he goes now, cos at least I don't have to watch him sleep any longer than that!

But, on a serious note - I just know that when the final conversation happens, and I leave, he'll promise to try harder - I know it!!!! But it's too damn late - and it was over a year ago. Last June was when I signed up on the site, and I've come too far now. And I honestly don't care if he does smoke and drink himself to death now - bring it on!! That maybe sounds harsh, but being ignored for decades will do that to you! My guy thinks he's an idiot, and I'm not sure I don't agree. xxx